Can we be real for a second? Chicago's St. Patrick's Day celebration is the worst. I mean, HAVEN'T WHITE PEOPLE DONE ENOUGH? Standing around with a bunch of screamy, hot and sweaty (yet freezing because CHICAGO), body painted, kilted, drunk clogging leprechauns all in the name of "one time I drank a Guinness in college therefore I'm Irish" is HELL ON EARTH. It is the absolute worst. Why can't you stay home and drink yourself into oblivion alone on the couch while cry-listening to Adele like everyone else. If I wanted to hang out with angry crowds of white dudes, I'd invite myself to the White House.
Have I mentioned that I am a real live Irish person? My great grandfather fled Ireland on a boat because that's how they did it back then. I don't need a parade to celebrate the potato famine, my temper, OR my ability to drink you under the table, so everyone take off your green face paint, settle down and get off my lawn. WAIT. While we're at it? Green rivers are not an achievement, you guys. Pretty soon the EPA is gonna require all rivers to be green, so wait a minute and you can have your own. I don't need to watch Rahm Emanuel poison our wildlife LIVE ... neither do you. They broadcast that mess on television and if you really wanna be Chicago's most desperate person you can watch it LIVE on the internet.
I have lived in Chicago for ... long enough to comfortably say, "I am from Chicago, Bitch," and I have never been to the St. Patrick's Day Parade. OH MY GOD DO NOT CALL IT ST. PATTY'S: YOU ARE A GROWN ASS PERSON. I'm not going. Not now. Not ever. However, if you're looking for something to do tomorrow ... here are a few activities ... here's a list of things I'd rather do than hang out with a bunch of drunk majorettes from DeKalb.
...be trapped under this dude's arm on a ride to Howard
...while the CTA is repairing on e line of train traffic, during a snow storm with the heat broken so it's on FULL BLAST and that train car is 95 degrees ANNNND you're sitting next to some jerk face who is listening to Hamilton WITHOUT HEADPHONES.
Talk to a Straight White Male about Jonathan Franzen
I don't even know what to say here other than this gif alone is more fun than ANY parade.
Kiss Donald Trump
JK. I'm so disgusted I have to go take a bath in the sink at work.
Hang out with Angelina Jolie
A) She's the worst.
B) She came out of hiding last week to show us she's happy and doing fine ... by eating tarantualas ... during an interview.
Maybe I'll go to that parade after all.
I've never tried being dead before, but I'm like 99% sure that it's way more fun than having Shirley from the suburbs throw up all over my new sneaks.