Ha-lei-lu the Kardashians are back! Did you miss them?
It’s sort of impossible to miss something like the ever-present Kardashians. It’s like missing your menstrual cycle—always there, always annoying. You’re ovulating, Kim’s being robbed in Paris. You have PMS, Kanye has a mental breakdown. You’re in bed with kramps, Khloe’s doing the Lord’s work dispensing “revenge bodies.” But they're back anyway.
We open at DASH New York, aka over-priced Bebe. Kourt and Cheban walk around making fun of their own products. Kourt calls the clothes soooooo 2009 while wearing a silver glittered backpack adorned with eyelashes. E! treats us to some historical images of the girls operating the Dashes and if I’ve said this once, I’ve said it a thousand time, I think these heauxs should be forced to tell us every single thing they’ve done to their faces. Khloe especially. Of course I think she looks great now, but it’s like a refurbished iPhone or something—real suspect.
LET’S GO TO MIAMI!
Khloe is dressed up like a slutty Carmen Sandiego. Scott has an uggggggggleeeeee beard and a silken floral bomber jacket (!) and a nameplate necklace (!!!). He’s hammered and Kourt is like, ew, grossssssss.
Kourt and Khlo lie in bed with full makeup.
So much makeup.
Khloe reveals she snagged herself a boyfriend. And every time you see her IRL and in interview, she has different length hair, and it’s mystifying. Kim arrives in Miami and has the exact same conversation with Khloe about her new boyfriend, yet Khloe acts like some sort of mystery has developed. Also—AEROLA WATCH ON KIMMY.
A department store wants to buy DASH, SHOULD THEY DO IT??!?!?!
They go to the Miami DASH and they’re SO SURPRISED by what’s in there. Kim says there’s no way it can be salvaged. They critique a bedazzled compact: SO GROSS. The sales woman says the plebs buy them up by the barrel. Khlo and Kim are like, EW.
They talk so much shit about how trash their store is. I hope all the tourists from Ohio that bought their DASH t-shirts and are wearing them while watching the season premiere don’t feel dumb.
No one seems worried about this.
Four douches in the back of an SUV.
Kourtney’s vocal fry: what kind of ceVICHE is the white fish ceVICHE?
Kim wants to wear off white sweatpants. Kourt wants to wear off white sweatpants. Khlo takes a phone call. Kim’s side boob is about to fall out. Khloe’s ass looks like balloons. What’s in there?
Mason is coming to the Yeezy concert. STAHHHHHP. They can’t believe it.
Four choades in the back of an SUV.
These dummies are so dumb and have nothing to say at dinner but their teeth glow like beacons of hope. Scott texts and wants to know what they’re doing and it’s a crisis that goes unresolved. “Camel toe is not a curse,” Kourt says. I’m not sure I agree.
The girls remain at odds about Dash. They yell at each other. I never yell at anyone. This makes me want to have a sister to yell at because being an adult and managing your emotions is boring and exhausting and for a moment I understand why we love these dummies.
Kim sits around sniffing something that looks like a pregnancy test pee stick. Kourt reveals DASH is sentimental because they’re dad got it for them. Kim “like kinda gets it.” Their dead dad is the only time these heauxs have any pathos. Kim continues sniffing pregnancy sticks.
Kim’s boobs. Kayne floats around on a stage. Scott looks homeless. Cheban wears a series of silver chains and looks like a douche canoe. Absolutely nothing has happened.
BACK IN LA
Reign sits in between his parents as they have a secretly coded talk. I must assume they’re speaking in code because they come to literally no conclusions, yet both seem satisfied. The kid throws the remote against the tile and no one even blinks an eye, #privilege.
Kris makes her first appearance in a military outfit BECAUSE SHE’S IN CHARGE OF THIS SHIP AND DON’T YOU HEAUXS FORGET IT and we have to talk about DASH again. Kim wears a clip-on Hot Topic lip ring to this very important business meeting, which no one mentions. DASH IS OUR ROOTS KEEP IT! They cut to a dog who looks as bored as me.
NEXT WEEK—Kim’s Robbery! The sneak peek looks pretty scary actually, and like maybe it shouldn’t be this big media moment, but whatever ethics, who cares.