Welcome aboard… the worst season of Drag Race?
Your far-flung rural Rucapper is coming to you live from the desert of New Mexico. A word about my bona fides: I watched Season 1 when it aired, bitch. I know all the secrets of Tammy Brown and Ongina and Cameroon! I’ve seen Piane dance. I got this.
Everyone knows Season 7 is the worst. The only good thing about Season 7 is Katya. This list could be made up of the top 10,000 Katya moments and it would be a fantastic list. 9,999 of those moments could just be Katya doing super slow splits in a little 60's stewardess outfit and it would be divine. But that’s not what I’m being paid for, so here are Season 7's top moments:
I remember everything (ask me about an embarrassing thing that happened to me on the bus in second grade involving a Janet Jackson cassingle of “Escapade” sometime) but I don’t remember much about these ladies. Some are old, some are mean, some are young, some look at fashion magazines and don’t have friends (VIOLET). Some are pageant and some are young. Some are young. Basically, a lot of them are young. YOUNG.
This messy bitch
Sasha Bell claims that’s she cracked the code of Drag Race and is sent home after a truly horrible tangle with a shake-and-go wig and a lost tit made out of patented Adore Delano filthy pantyhose. Look -->
that's her dirty tit flying out.
Bitch, this ain't Halloween. Get yo life.
Ms. Pearl is a tired bitch
After being read for “sleepwalking” for half a season, Ms. Pearl and Ru have a confrontation in the workroom. Here’s the tee, as the kids say: Ms. Pearl is hot AF as a boy. Here’s more t: Ms. Pearl stays on the show because Logo knows their viewership. Ms. Pearl has hot boy all over her face.
Nude illusion blurred nipples
Who the hell's idea was this? Probably the worst runway in Drag Race herstory, only made worse by the fact that Logo BLURS THE DRAWN ON NIPPLES AND COOCHIES TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN. This whole mess is vaguely insulting.
These Katya lewks omg
The Trixie Mattel conspiracy theory
Ms. Trixie is sent home quite early, in a lipsync against Ms. Pearl. EVERYONE IS SHOOK. But a long time ago, I read on the internet that Ms. Trixie was planning on doing ANNE FRANK for her Snatch Game character. And that, Ms. Reader, was a bridge too far! We could not bear that indignity, that assault on good taste. Absolut Vodka Acai brand czar, Jeffery Moran, would turn over in his tiny coffin. And so Ms. Trixie is banished from the kingdom by producer machination...
...only to return in the Conjoined Twins challenge! Partnered with her friend, Ms. Pearl Smash, Ms. Trixie finally gets that the judges want "the funny girl" to be funny, and so she actually is funny for the first and only time.
Katya: my one true Russian queen. My bearded Babraham Lincoln. My hot douche in the half man/half woman dancing challenge. My perfect Cyrillic yogi. My love, my life, my ROBBED AS FUCK IN THE KATY PERRY LIPSYNC!
You see, Ms. Reader, Katya and Ms. Davenport are put in the bottom during the “Hello Kitty Gurl” challenge, even though Katya nails her 60's mom-sent-to-space-to-be-a-prostitute lewk. (SIDEBAR: On the runway Ms. Pearl wraps herself in a blanket, and Ms. Santino, visiting from the famine lands he calls home, practically jizzes on her look. Also, Ms. Santino and Ms. Violet flirt quite grossly over Red Lobster. Call me when it’s Olive Garden time, you filthy wench.)
Ms. Kennedy has been billed as the “dancing queen,” and so she wears a catsuit…? IDK, THAT’S WHAT SHE SAYS. I DON’T WRITE IT, I JUST REPORT IT. Anyway, they perform to “Eye of the Tiger” or whatever it’s called. And Katya just wows. I mean, she’s perfect. She understands this song. She’s lived it. She hits the split a second after Ms. Davenport, and she hits her split AT THE PROPER TIME. Listen to the song. Close your eyes and just listen. You know that part, when it crescendos? You know, the right time to do the splits? That’s when Katya does hers. And for her perfection she is sent home.
I stopped loving Ru just a little bit in that moment.
Ru rides a Hoverround
and then I love her still.