RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE RANKED / SEASON 5

Season 5 is a great season. We've got Alyssa, Rolaskatox, Jinx Monsoon, I-veeeeeeeee-winnn-teeeeeeers, Coco's orange makeup, SANTINO, LIL POUNDCAKE, and a bunch of hilarious challenges and ride-or-die lipsyncs. You're about to see a lot of Alyssa Edwards in this recap and do not come for me, bitch, Alyssa is my queen. Always and forever, Alyssa Edwards. 

Alaska carries trash down the runway

Alaska's Courtney Love ratchet aesthetic is a breath of fresh air. Sure, we love the pageant girls, but Alaska takes this first dumpster-dress challenge and serves up some saran wrap realness and leaves her trash right there on the runway for Michelle Visage to pick up. 

Coco and Alyssa's feud

WHO DESERVES THIS CROWN???

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Who the fuck cares??? These two will not shut the fuck up about Miss Gay America 2010. WHAT REALLY HAPPENED? Coco says Alyssa couldn't fulfill her queenly duties. Alyssa says Coco is a snitch. Honestly, we don't care but the whole mess leads to some epic reads. 

she did look real fucking orange

she did look real fucking orange

cannot. stop. watching.

cannot. stop. watching.

Jinkx's narcolepsy

I'm going to put it out there, I was a big fan of Jinx when this season aired. She was funny, she was weird, she had a chipped front tooth. And bitch was just falling asleep all over the place, during challenges, WHILE THE PRODUCERS WERE TALKING TO HER. 

SANTINO

Santino is the best. He's a little creepy, he wants to fuck everyone, and he's not impressed by anyone's lewks. He will read you to filth. He tells Alyssa her dress is the worst he's seen in five seasons and she falls down a rabbit hole of a speech about being an ENTERTAINER. Ivy Winters makes this joke in the Roast of RuPaul:

"Sex with Santino is like Ru's music career: awkward."

And he says, "You would know." all pissed off like a child. Who throws shade at the sweet-as-pie Ivy Winters? Santino, that's who. AND I LOVE IT.  It's my mission in life to find out why Ru banished him, but I know it has to do with that Michelle Visage who is determined to be Ru's one and only. GODAMMIT, PIPE DOWN, MICHELLE. 

Rolaskatox

I like every single one of these queens and I like their clique. Come for me! I don't care, my Delta Zeta sisters will cut you. That's the entire point of being in a clique, ya'll. Detox says "Rolaskatox is a new prescription for those who are gagging," and I'm getting my ass to the doctor cause I want some.

 

Alyssa, the queen of meme

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So many b-crowd guest judges

the pointer sisters, latoya jackson, aubrey o'day, jamie lynn siegler, chaz bono, clinton kelly, juliette lewis, wilmer valderamma--it's like Ru popped into the Scientology Celebrity Centre and was like, give me your best. Ok, fine, just whatever you've got.

Lil Poundcake

Season 5 brought us the birth of Lil Poundcake. "You're not my real dad and you never will be!!" Poundcake's hobbies include "riding dirty" and she brings a much deserved win for Alaska, whose Poundcake call back on All-Stars is one of the most satisfying drag race moments of all time.

Fishy lewks

Santino literally gags

Santino literally gags

Ivy wears an actual fish

Ivy wears an actual fish

so fucking cute.

so fucking cute.

straight up jersey shore realness

straight up jersey shore realness

Alyssa's black swan

GAGGING.

THROWS SELF DOWN THE STAIRS.

DIES.

Has any queen ever been more committed to a drag race moment than Alyssa as "Bad Ru"? She fucking PICKED COCO UP and twirled that orange bitch over her hip like a rag doll and flip flapped her Natalie Portman realness all over the stage. Honestly I would've watched an hour of Alyssa dancing, she was that good, and Ru busted out these goggles to get a better look. 

Jinkx's Little Edie / Roxxxxxy's Tamar Braxton

The clear stand outs of this season's Snatch Game were Jinkx's Little Edie and Roxxxxxxxxxxxy's Tamar Braxton. Little Edie let us feel superior to all the queens who we're like, who the hell is that? YOU CALL YOURSELF A GAY MAN??? Get your Kennedy cousins straight, dahling. When Ru asks Ivy's Marilyn Monroe about JFK and Ivy's like whaaaaa? Jinkx's Little Edie pipes in, with perfect accent, "Quite the scandal really," and I'm dying. She's got a can of tuna and she's inspecting the label. She's fucking everything.

Roxxxxxxxxxxxy. I have to take this moment to say, we forget, but Roxxxxxxxxxxxy was a real competitor for the title. She was so out-classed on All-Stars, but look, Alaska and Detox weren't as fully formed on Season 5 as they are now, and Roxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxy, she had her aesthetic, she had her brand, and she never strayed. She was focused, committed, and bitchy. She beat Detox for a seat in the final three. And her Tamar Braxton was actually really hilarious. So GET YOUR LIFE ROXXXXXXXXXXXY, on this blog you get the respect you deserve.

 

The Roast of RuPaul: the most jam-packed episode ever

SO MUCH HAPPENS ON THIS EPISODE. First of all, my twin, Bruce Villanch, appears as the queen's comedy coach. I'll just leave this here.
 

This is also Coco's one shining moment when she appears as Ru's cousin from the Brewster projects. Her ghetto-realness is fabulous and she's hilarious. After every joke Ru waves her arms in the air like Michelle Visage farted. 

Roxxxxxxxy and Alyssa end up in the bottom two and have to lip sync for their lives. You know this shit is going to be epic. And it was.

Ru serves up Will Smith's kid's "Whip My Hair" and Roxxxxxxxxy volley's back a WIG REVEAL and truly epic HOW THE HELL IS THAT WIG NOT FLYING OFF hair flips while Alyssa does the splits all over the stage. After, Roxxxxxxxxxxxxxy is so emotional she tells us that her mother left her at a bus stop when she was three and mascara streams down her cheeks a la Kelly Taylor (TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR REAL FIRST TIME KELLY) and even Michelle's cold heart is touched and everyone is crying and SHANTAY YOU BOTH STAY.

Alyssa's Secret

We'll never know.