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Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

KARDASHIAN KORRESPONDENT KOMMUNIQUE (Ep. 2 Recap)

KARDASHIAN KORRESPONDENT KOMMUNIQUE (Ep. 2 Recap)

Have ya heard?

KIM’S BEEN ROBBED KIM’S BEEN ROBBED KIM’S BEEN ROBBED

and we’re about to get Kris’ carefully curated behind the scenes, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN PARIS and, no spoilers, but I’ve got a solution to keep Kim safe forevermore. LET’S GO-->

We open with a very dramatic screen letting us know that on October 3rd at 2:30 a.m., Kim was robbed at gunpoint in her Paris apartment. We don’t even get any intro music because this shit is serious.

CUT TO ONE WEEK EARLIER

Omg look at how easy life was then. Kim and Kourt are going to Paris fashion week and la de da our biggest problem is WHAT TO WEAR??!!?!

Minions flit about packing their outfits and godammit I wish we were in a musical right now because this would be the moment where the girls and the staff would burst into song and clutch silky fabrics to their breasts and jump ecstatically on the bed. Can’t you see it? Instead we get Mason reading Kourtney to filth. He tells Kourt that she looks like “a balloon” and like “Steve Urkel, but a girl.” LOL SHADE.

PARIS

KIM WALKS INTO A SEA OF PAPARAZZI AND IT’S SO GLAMOROUS DO YOU GET IT LET’S GO TO BALMAIN TO MAKE SURE YOU GET IT

The girls try on BALMAIN to wear to the BALMAIN show. Kris wears a black latex trench coat because, little known fact, The Matrix is her favorite movie.

sorry Kris is blurry, I had to zoom from my couch cause lazy.

sorry Kris is blurry, I had to zoom from my couch cause lazy.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Kanye didn’t like Kim’s outfits so he flew to Paris to fix them.

WHUT.

Does this not seem intensely fucked up to anyone else? This is straight up Skarsgard in Big Little Lies fucked up. No one seems concerned about how controlling and fucking weird this is.

Who the fuck flies around the world to tell someone what to wear? Especially when these heauxs have a hundred professionals on staff who are BEING PAID to do that.

Adding to the confusion, Yeezy Skarsgard wears a Champion sweatshirt from Wal-Mart (!!!) while he critiques the outfits. He explains to the fashion designers HE FLEW TO PARIS TO SAVE KIM FROM HER SHOES. That’s right, KIM PICKED OUT THE WRONG SHOES YESTERDAY. He didn’t see the final final lewk. HOW DARE YOU KIM.

I mean, poor Kim, right? She hasn’t even been robbed yet and she’s still got a lot of shit to deal with. But at least she has someone to lift her long-ass Pocahontas weave out of her necklace the second after she puts it on, which is more than I have in terms of servants. Though I did just teach my kid to make drinks in the Keurig so I don’t have to get my ass off the couch! #winning

GIVENCHY SHOW

Kendall walks in the show. Kim looks like she has a nightgown on. Really nothing is happening other than all these designers are in deep with Business Kardashian. So let’s go see what Yeezy Skarsgard is up to in NYC?

Look at that! Yeezy has his own documentary team! HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE DOCUMENTING THESE PEOPLE’S LIVES. Anyway, let’s watch some Saint Pablo documentary footage. Kim’s getting robbed, Kanye’s getting his fade right.

But then Yeezy receives the news: KIM’S BEEN ROBBED. And I actually feel really bad for him. He stops the show.

It occurs to me then that the only solution to keep Kimmy K and the Krew safe is to keep the cameras rolling AT ALL TIMES, Truman Show style. Think about it, if the crew had been there, broadcasting live, this could’ve never happened. We need to keep a camera on her 24/7 so we can PROTECT HER WITH OUR EYES.

Right????

KIM RETURNS TO NYC

Everyone is so traumatized they had to leave Paris before the sun came up. Kim enters a building. She’s wearing eggplant sweatpants, a tank top with her tits falling out, and the most uncomfortable shoes I’ve ever seen. Gotta say, this is not my post-robbery recovery outfit, which would be maternity sweatpants that say "OREGON" across the ass and a sweatshirt with toothpaste on it. But you do you, girl.

Kim is reunited with North and it’s sweet.

Kris cries about how awful it is but never takes any responsibility. She’s never like, is this my fault, should I have not done this to my family. Kanye makes some threats about how he’d never stop until a motherfucker was dead if they had hurt Kim and I’m like, FOR REAL IS THIS BIG LITTLE LIES OR WHAT. Is North bff with Irmabella / Emmabella / Amabella / Alabama?

Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim convene in LA to discuss the robbery. Kim is not wearing much makeup so we know it’s serious.

Kim recounts the story and there’s not like any new details, but it all sounds pretty horrific and I feel really bad for her. I saw a play where a person was shot in a surprising way and it scared the shit out of me, like if I woke up to pee in the night it was the very first thing I thought about for weeks and that was just dramaturgy. But this episode is still annoying because they repeat the same information over and over and over and there’s no real insight past what we’ve already read in US Weekly. Also, I got my hair dyed for like 3 hours 6 weeks ago and read an article about this robbery in Vanity Fair that was way more interesting than this episode.

Anyway, Kim could’ve died, ya’ll, so let’s watch some “home movie” footage of Kim and Yeezy and the kids. This is a little weird since their whole lives are a home movie, like how secret is this footage, lol. But their kids are cute and THE FUTURE OF THE EMPIRE.

EVERYBODY HAS TO BE ARMED FROM NOW ON, Kris says.

Gurl.

 

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