OH. MY. GOD.
To borrow words from one of my most favorite Housewives, "TAKE A XANAX, TAKE A XANAX, TAKE A XANAX!" Tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was so traumatic, dramatic, shocking and over the top I ate my left hand while watching. I shoved it in my mouth bit by bit. I ate the whole thing. Now if we could just get Dorito to do the same with her foot, this episode won't have been for naught. But. I'm getting ahead of myself. Again. Take a Xanax. Tonight was rough, but maybe the greatest episode of Beverly Hills OF ALL TIME.
You can tell this episode is going to be a doozy RIGHT AWAY. The "previously" section went way way WAY back to the beginning of the season to basically remind us of everything that has gone down since January. For a moment there, I thought I was having a stroke. I quickly did the math and realized, nope, some mf shit is about to hit the mf fan. We see bits of panty-gate. We see moments from smoothie town. This is all gearing us up for something obviously, BUT WHAT!
AND BOOM! We're back on the antique junk boat in Hong Kong.
Bravo starts off by doing that annoying replay thing it does after commercial breaks. It replays the last 20 or so seconds you saw before commercial. It starts off the episode with bits of the fight from last week. As if I don't remember every breath of this conversation and haven't been repeating it in my head while I sleep for the last week. I AM A FAN BRAVO, I'm also smarter than this, please let the story advance. DANG.
All of the ladies are watching the confrontation with such focus and it's hilarious. Where normally they're popping off at the mouth, they're all stunned into silence (EVEN LVP) and are flipping their heads back and forth as if watching a tennis match. It's super funny. They don't even bother picking their jaws up off the floor as they gawk at these two.
Erika presses Dorito and asks why she constantly seeks her approval, and goes on to finally ask what we've all been thinking since this season's very first episode. How could Dorito take something innocent like not wearing underwear and gossip to everyone in the group about it, and basically slut shame Erika non-stop for weeks on end while Dorito's gross-ass husband gets to be forgiven. Why is she the bad guy and the butt of the joke? Yes, friends. We're back at PANTY GATE. How could Dorito stir up all of this BS and not think she had hurt Erika's feelings? HOW? Seriously. HOWWWW.
There's a lot of screaming from Dorito per usual. Not much is solved. She sorta apologizes for the panty situation, but she's screaming and super aggressive. Erika doesn't acknowledge the apology, why should she. I'm honestly not sure if Erika just doesn't hear Dorito's apology because she's squealing at such a level that only dogs can hear her, or if she's just destracted by the nine million bobby pins that have Dorito's Gwyneth Paltrow look-a-like wig smashed down into some sort of gross matted art piece.
Everyone gets off of the boat in a rush and goes back to the hotel for the night, and just like that it's the next day. We begin with Dorito on the phone to PK. They're giggling about Erika and being super awful. I'm not sure if you've been paying attention, but Dorito IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. They call Erika needy and desperate and make fun of AND blame her glam squad for her "attitude problem" and "coldness." Why you gotta be mean about the glam squad? REALLY? OMG. BREAKS PLATE. I've never wanted to jump into my TV and shave someone's head so desperately before in my life. Please tell me she's not coming back next season. I can't stand her.
The ladies visit a giant Buddha. Honestly. Who even cares. They're only doing this so you can take a deep breath because the drama is so thick. Buddha is cool and all, but Erika Jayne is way cooler and I don't even wanna talk about this shit. It rained. They're all dressed inappropriately. Lisa chases a cow. It's a pretty mess (see what I did there?).
We're back at the hotel and Dorito is with her glam squad. Though, is it a "squad" if you can only afford one person?
GASP. DID YOU JUST SAY GLAM SQUAD.
YES. I said glam squad.
You mean right after we watched this garbage person make fun of Erika's glam squad?
YES. THAT. I ALMOST HAD A RAGE STROKE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE BITCHES.
They go to dinner. This always makes me giggle. Do these people eat? I'm not so sure. There's food brought to the table. There's the gorgeous Hong Kong skyline as a backdrop. BUT. Ain't nobody talking. It's awkward with a capitol BITCH.
Eden, yes, Ms. Sasoon if you're nasty, breaks the silence by saying, "I think there's an elephant at the table." Thanks, sweetheart. You've done nothing for the last three episodes but wear a black wig and look stoned, but this one moment might have saved you from being fired. Well, unless she actually sees an elephant at the table. Somebody call a doctor just in case.
Rinna gets all bossy and decides to be the moderator. She asks Dorito if she has (everyone's favorite word) apologized. Dorito is visibly annoyed and word vomits on Rinna. Erika interrupts them and says, "NO. SHE. HAS. NOT. APOLOGIZED." She uses her very best Disney Villain voice here. It's kinda amazing, and everyone shuts up.
There is so much back and forth. SO MUCH. At one point Dorito tries to say she doesn't remember being gossipy OR what she said that was so bad and everyone's faces melt off. It's really bad. There is finally a somewhat believable apology (god how many mf times am I gonna type that word) from Dorit. BUT. It is clear that Erika is not interested in forgiving her. Why should she? Erika is pissed BEYOND BEYOND BEYOND because the gossip got out of control. And now she has to talk to her husband. And it's embarrassing to have everyone basically call you a slut and a whore or whatever they might say or suggest. Everyone agrees that it's a total mess.
Emmy Award Winning Actress Eileen Davidson steps up to the plate. She and Erika are BFFs, she's clearly going to be the one to put out this fire. Eileen says, "...it's not a big crime, it's not like she has killed your child."
This was well intentioned, but the absolute wrong thing to say in this moment. Erika loses her shit. She has a kid. Wait. Am I the only person who doesn't remember this? She has a kid and he's a police officer. Erika gets super emotional and tells Eileen (EILEEN HER BFF) to never speak of her child again. There's more apologizing and Erika repeats over and over for none of them to ever speak of her child. They don't know what she goes through every night. She calls them ALL out on their privilege, since none of them know what it's like to have a police officer as a child. She actually tells them all to shut the fuck up. It's the scariest most riveting moment of TV since Beyonce's Lemonade was on HBO last spring.
I don't think I've EVER seen this show with a quiet LVP. She's so quiet, she barely has anything to do. There are a couple moments where she tries to stand up for Dorito, but Erika basically melts her. It's shocking (amazing).
Erika totally loses it. BUT. AGAIN. Why wouldn't she? She's stressed and traveling and these girls are coming at her fast and furious. Just when you think Erika might jump through the window and flap her wings back home ... Rinna (who clearly cannot stand being out done in the drama department) opens her mouth and drops this A-Bomb...
"Remember that first dinner party we had at your house Dorito? Why did everyone leave me alone at the table? Did you all get up to go do coke in the bathroom?"
Jaws drop. Hope you took that Xanny.
To be continued...