RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE RANKED / SEASON 3
Taking this journey backwards is illuminating. I started ranking with season 6 and now I find myself in season 3, where there are like no gifs because GIFS WEREN'T INVENTED YET (!!!) Let's go-->
Who are these people?
There are some personalities here, but a lot of filler as well. India Ferrah, Phoenix, Venus. Also known by their boy names: Dane Cook’s gay little brother, Copies-Lady-Gaga’s-Already-Terrible-Dance-Moves, Sour Madonna.
Don't pick bitches up
Mimi Imfurst is crazy. She literally breaks down weeping hysterically during the first challenge. She PICKS UP INDIA FERRAH! Someone! All the gifs in the world, please! This is an epic moment in Drag Race herstory, and earns her an economy ticket back to Crazyland.
Speaking of epic: Raja ::: stomps ::: the ::: runway ::: She stomps it all the way. She’s got amazing lewks. She’s seasoned. She’s a little meany-mean Heather.
Heathers vs. Boogers: In this corner, the Heathers (Manila, Delta Work, Carmen Carrera, Raja). In this corner, Boogers (Shangela, Alexis, Stacy Lane Mathews.) This is stupid and high school, but it does create one of the first attempts at Reality Show Villainy/Rivalry.
Shangela (Fun fact: my phone corrects her name to Shingles) was eliminated in the first episode of season two. Here, she pops out of RuPaul’s box and proceeds to whine and fuck shit up. She attempts to destroy the sanctity of the Interior Illusions Lounge by throwing a drink at Mimi Imfurst. She makes other people style her wigs and sew her clothes. She tricks (granted, this is not much of a feat) Carmen Carrera into picking reggae during the singing challenge. She dons the tiniest fake cowboy hat and perches it on top of a ratty wig and an unhemmed piece of silver fabric. When the others try to get her to country it up, she insists that she’s repping new country, like Carrie Underwood. YEAH OKAY. Still, she’s saved by her trickery and Carmen Carrera’s dumbness. Later, IRL, she will do a death drop and break her leg! Stretch first, gurl.
But still, Shangela is terrible. She’s conniving and manipulative. It’s a great relief when she falls, but she’s stirred up bad feelings all around. I don’t like that at all.
Puerto Rican Queens
We have Alexis Matteo and everyone’s favorite hair show model, Yara Sofia. They both dominate in the Susan Powder Fitness Video challenge. LET ME REPEAT THAT: SUSAN POWDER. Now that, my friends, is a deep cut. Alexis is pageant for days and loves her big fake latex tits and her military hookup. She does a hilarious butch, pregnant Alicia Keys in Snatch Game and I think she banged Amber Rose. Yara is an elusive chupacubra sent here to charm our hearts. She does the standup challenge dressed as a little person dancing woman emoji. It is the craziest thing that has ever happened.
Yara seems to have the edge over Alexis going into the final four, the Money Ball, but after Alexis has a fit and does some voodoo mind trick on her, she melts down during the lipsync and shreds her luxe ball gown. It’s sad to see someone undone by the pressures of the show. I also think that she spoiled the winner to the press and is the reason we now have the live, crown all three winners finales that we all know and tolerate.
The standard narrative is that Raja had the crown locked up from the beginning. That may be true, but I think it discounts the power of my fave of this season, Manila. Manila is a camp queen, and she is funny and a bit racist. She participates in the Heathers stuff but she doesn’t go all in. She wins three challenges and she gives a LIPSYNC FOR THE GODS to MacArthur’s Park, which confuses me because why didn’t they have that song for the cake challenge? I don’t understand. It’s a song about cake.
She also nails the standard makeover challenge—Jocks in Frocks—which is my favorite of all makeovers. They take straight athletic type dude bros and make them sparkle. Her dude bro is the dudest bro to ever bro down, and also annoying just like her! They truly are sisters. She does her slightly racist Asian drag and turns this burnt ginger into a fan thwomping queen, who later fist pumps when Manila wins the challenge. Raja stumbles and ends up in a Paula Abdul fueled lesbian two-way with Carmen Carrera in the lipsync. This, too, is one for the ages. There is nudity and it is marvelous. This is what we pay to see, folks. Re-live that ish here; Carmen Carerra is so pretty!
Season Three is heavy on the design challenges, and the cattiness. I may be different from most, but I don’t like cattiness. I prefer when everyone is truly getting along like loving sisters (see: season 8 of RuPaul’s Best Friend Race). All bow to Raja, who was outed by Jenny Jones in the 90s. I think after that, she deserved the win.
J/K! MANILA 4 LYFE!