KARDASHIAN KORRESPONDENT KOMMUNIQUE (Ep. 3 recap)
This episode is all about SECURITY. Kris is worried about the safety of her children—not to mention their oodles of diamonds and Yeezy sportswear. She impresses upon us the great weight of the responsibility she bears. No one can protect her kids like her. Ummmmm…. I mean she put them all on TV and monetized their every move? Whatever you say, #MamaBear.
A devastating list of the Paris PTSD symptoms the Krew exhibits:
Kendall wears a condom hat.
Kim can’t sleep without four security guards outside her house.
Disguises: Khlo as a Carmen Sandiego Pimp; Kris as the lead guitarist in a mariachi band; Caitlyn as a pirate wench.
Kourt is SO. TIRED.
Kim sees a therapist. And by therapist, she means someone shot up her lips straight to CRAZY TOWN.
As I previously noted, the solution to keep the krew safe and sound is simple, KAMERAS. Konstant surveillance. Kris isn’t so sure, so she forces us to sit through an entire episode on the tragic toll plebeians have taken on Vida Kardashian.
Khloe is nervous to be the first to do press since the robbery so 700 minions attend to her ponytail. On Ellen, Khlo says the fam really appreciates “all your guyses love” and I wonder if she ever regrets not going to college. I mean probably not. I went to college and graduate school and like, who wore it better, ya know?
Kris and Khlo ride in the back of an SUV and get “spiritual.” Kris tells us that Kim has had a Blackberry forever and has never ever ever ever set the alarm but on the day of the robbery—wait for it—it went off! She says this is Dead Dad Kardashian communicating to them through—wait for it—FALSE ALARMS. Ummm, I’m wondering about that whole college thing again because if this were true, IT WOULDN’T BE A FALSE ALARM, IT WOULD BE A REGULAR ALARM. Like one that says, bitch get out, you about to get jacked!
Let’s go over to Kourtney’s and eat some bland, gluten-free food because even in the face of tragedy we stay on brand. Kim doesn’t have much of an appetite these days and gravely advises Rob and Chyna to stop posting flashy snaps of their Rolexes.
This is all very strange. First of all, Chyna is the last person I'd rob because everyone knows Chyna is tough as nails and ain't gonna be having that shit. Second of all, have they really never considered that acting like nouveau riche assholes would one day bite them in the ass? Look, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves came out in 1991, and we were all pre-teens then, so I know these girls saw that ish. TAKE THE LESSON.
OMG! Right at this moment someone conveniently texts Kim a Halloween costume of Kimmy K getting robbed. Scott says, “That’s crazy.” Kim says it sucks being judged by the whole world. I would think it would suck more being judged by Yeezy Skarsgard and not being allowed to pick out your own shoes, but to each his own.
Over at Kris’ house Kendall lounges in leather pants and tells us about her stalker. Sort of. It’s a very convoluted story that involves a mentally ill guy, a gate, a car, and Kendall crying, and her stalker is in jail till they go to court.
Kim and Kourt talk about the robbery some more. And then this:
“Where are dad’s old Fila sweatsuits?”
“I don’t know. I used to have them.”
“That’s so sad.”
OH NO WILL IT NEVER END, MAYBE KYLIE IS BEING ROBBED HER ALARM IS GOING OFF HAAAAAALLLLP!
Kylie sobs on the phone, WHAT IF THEY HURT NORMAN THE DOG. Kris is spazzing out and yelling at Corey like an asshole. She has literally no chill. He tells her to chill and she's like, "Don't tell someone who's having a panic attack to chill!!!!!"
And guess what, ya'll? IT'S A REAL FALSE ALARM. Did Dead Dad Kardashian send it? But why would he be haunting a Jenner? It's a mystery. Kris and Corey fight about it. She can’t forgive herself for what happened in Paris. I don’t think she fully gets it. It’s bigger than Paris. But Corey is totally reasonable, wants to help, and I want to date him. How do I get a nice boyfriend? I need Botox and millions of dollars?
OH GOD HERE COMES CAITLYN.
She’s got a weird salmon colored pirate shirt on but she has amazing hair. If this is how Caitlyn’s hair can look with intervention, surely someone can help me grow my bangs out?
You guys, we’ve been through a lot, but we’re still a family and family is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING so let's have a party for Kim.
A SURPRISE PARTY.
But let's wait on the driveway instead of jumping out at her, because TRIGGERS.
All Kim wants for her birthday is SECURITY.
Omg everyone, please stop robbing, stalking, and burglaring the Kardashians, I cannot even take one more episode like this where they insist we feel bad for them about circumstances they brought upon themselves. Look, no one deserves to be robbed and traumatized. But also it's not like they're Barbra Streisand and just wanted to share their talents with the world, only to be crushed by their adoring fans. These people have kourted every single ounce of attention they've ever gotten and I’m going to need security if they don’t PIPE DOWN. You have enough money, if you’re really upset, like, go live on Johnny Depp’s island and I'll watch the Great British Baking Show on Sunday nights instead.