ERMEGERD THE FANTASY SUITES

JEREMY & ADRIENNE WATCH THE BACHELOR

YAY! The Fantasy Suites are this week, and in the world’s most famous vacation spot: FINLAND. RECORD SCRATCH. Like is that even a thing? Who goes on vacation to their freezer? It looks like the set of Frozen. When is Idina Menzel going to show up and sing everyone to sleep?

This week’s theme is fur, animal hide, and FEAR. The Finlandia snow falls from the sky like the glittery diamonds of Neil Lane and errrbody is scared, ya’ll.

First of all, what the hell, tonight is three hours long? Is this a metaphor for Nick’s time in the fantasy suite with Raven? We all must soldier on until we GET THE JOB DONE even if THIS JOB HAS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE. Also? Do we think that Raven has never had an orgasm or that she’s just never had sex? She’s from Arkansas and Jeremy assures us that’s a special, delicate place, so we can’t even be sure she knows what those words mean.

What’s the over/under on whether or not Nick actually gave Raven her first orgasm on a reality show? She was running down the street like a lunatic the next morning and stopped to talk to a stuffed reindeer, so maybe it was alright. OR maybe she’s 25 and drank 25 Dr. Peppers and went for a run and this is footage of her caffeine induced panic attack. Let’s be real, nobody likes sex that much.

Adrienne read Bachelorette Andy’s book so we know all about what happened when she boned Nick. Andy’s main complaint was that Nick asked her if she wanted to “fuck” or “make love.” That he didn’t just take the bull by the horns and MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Raven is definitely a “make love” kinda girl. PSA: Adrienne would like to point out that she’s also hooked up with a couple thirty-something dudes she also went on only two dates with, and let’s just say, the odds aren’t looking good for Raven. Praying for Raven to drop the tea at the After the Final Rose! Cause first orgasm then dumped isn’t a good look.

Rachel runs up and mounts Nick.

Then Nick and Rachel are both scared in a hut by a fire.

Rachel says something about reciprocity and Nick mumbles something about not knowing that word and that he only likes women who like other men, that’s sort of his thing. Nick wears a very tall gray knit hat like a conehead. AND THEN EARNESTLY NICK DELIVERS THE LINE OF THE NIGHT: “I MIGHT BE WHITE, BUT I’M STILL A MINORITY.”

At this point Jeremy loses his mind: “I wanted to turn off my TV and throw it into the street, but thought WHAT IF HE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF AND I’M NOT THERE TO SEE IT.” Jeremy then slapped himself three times.

GIRL. Rachel is a LAWYER. WHERE ARE HER CRITICAL THINKING SKILLZ? Nick is about a cis-gendered straight white douche bag as they come, distinctly NOT A MINORITY. You can find these assholes EVERYWHERE. Nick then lures her into his trap with his purple angora mock turtleneck and a speech about vulnerability. And then they lay down on an animal hide covered sled, pulled by what appears to be an unmanned reindeer.

FLASHBACK TO RACHEL’S MUSTARD SHORTS JUST BECAUSE:

Rachel says she feels loved. Ugh, girl. And she says they're going to go deeper while they make out on a bed. RACHEL, your investigatory skills are going to have to improve on your season. A jury of your peers would return a HELLA GUILTY verdict on Nick’s trashbaggery.

DEAR ABC: NOBODY ENJOYS LISTENING TO KISSING SOUNDS

Reindeer frolic in the snow as Vanessa trudges alone through the wilderness towards Nick’s tightest pants ever. For their date they’re going to jump in an ice bath and then into a sauna because nothing says true love like shrinkage.

I TOOK THIS PIC OF NICK’S CROTCH FOR JEREMY

And then Jeremy really lost his mind: “I have no idea what even happened in this section because Nick was wearing florescent blue spandex shorts that blinded me while I was looking for VPL so hard I went deaf.”

Nick not only drags his dirty dick on all his dates, but continues wearing the conehead gray knit cap. Nick and Vanessa jump into the first hot tub of the season (amirite??) and then two of them say the word traditional a lot without saying much of anything at all.

Vanessa starts talking about core values like she just finished an MBA group project last week. Sigh. When people in their 20’s start talking about true love, what that means, and the things they won’t give up, it really makes me want to…sit in an ice bath and COOL DOWN. Let’s not forget, Vanessa’s core values include making her adult special education students cut out scantily clad photos of her and glue them into scrapbooks.

Nick is perturbed that Vanessa has lunch with her family on Sundays. They hang out in a teepee and Vanessa whines more about her family but her hair and makeup look great. Nick says, “I love that your family is traditional.” When he clearly said in the hot tub that he did not love it. She believes his lies. She asks about his core values.

AND OMG WITH SHIFTY EYES HE SAYS, “NOT TO SOUND CORNY, BUT I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN,” and now we know everything we’ve ever needed to know about Nick. He’s a Tump supporter and if we’re smart, we're moving back to Montreal with Va-Nasty to be with Justin Trudeau and his butt.

At this point we noticed that the shoulders are cut out of Vanessa’s sweater and everyone dies. OL’ GIRL LOVES 90’s FASHION SOOOOOO MUCH. She’s got on like a body suit with cut out shoulders like straight up Jessica Simpson circa the Sweetest Sin. They fall upon the animal hides and make out.

AHHHHHHH! THE KISSING SOUNDS AGAIN! AHHHHHH. We hate everything.

Why does Nick have a new wardrobe for each girlfriend? There were three totally different winter coat situations and we love them all. ABC, can we get an interactive shopping app or what. Also, is purple Nick’s favorite color? Or is it just his color of SEDUCUTION. So. Much. Plum. Happening.

Vanessa is scared. Rachel is scared. Raven is scared.

The ladies are walking through the snow in gowns and puffy winter coats and Adrienne can’t stop thinking about all the sorority formals she went to, totally inappropriately dressed for the weather. Trudging through the snow in rickety Steve Madden heels. And everyone would just get super drunk and destroy people’s vacation homes. Sorry ‘bout it!

Chris Harrison tells Nick it’s going to be a difficult day. Nick takes his place in front of the girls and says, “Three women stand before me, but I only have two roses in my hand.” Raven gets an ORGASM AND A ROSE. It’s only right. Vanessa gets a rose.

A rivulet of mascara makes its way down Rachel’s cheek, just like my favorite moment in herstory: TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR REAL FIRST TIME, KELLY.

Game of Thrones fire pits line the walkway to Nick’s heart as he watches Rachel pull away. Like any good woman, Rachel is willing to take the burden of this break up upon herself, and we’re left to watch the heauxs screech at each other in The Women Tell All and hope Rachel’s going to pull it together for her season.