I turn 37 on Thursday.
Last night with my cat by my side, I drank a cocktail of Metamucil and Miralax and swiped as many Bumble dummies as I could while my profile still says I’m still 36. Because a 36 year old has the energy to pursue the odds of snagging the last 1/3786 decent man left on the internet.
But a 37 year old gives zero fucks.
I don’t want to hear any shit about how 37 is soooooooo young. Pipe down. A 37 year old single mother in Chicago might as well be 87.
WHO CARES I ACCEPT THIS.
I’m not really trying to go out with these dudes anywayz? I saw a dude who literally looked as if he'd peed his pants while listening to John Mayer and rocking a goatee.
This is what it is tho. A guy can pee his pants but I better not eat too much pizza or SNAP YER GHOSTED. Who even cares, I'm just going to lay out all my 37 year old fabulousness from the beginning from now on -->
THIS IS ME AT 37, YA'LL
Living life to the fullest (in sweatpants)
Fitness (FITTIN THIS WHOLE PIZZA IN MY MOUTH)
The Book of Mormon Original Broadway Cast Recording (also see: Andrew Rannels in his Andrew Christian's)
Keurig hot chocolates and teas
Olive Garden Times Square
almost 8 year old kiddo #blessed (but see I put this down low so it wouldn't turn you off, already thinking about your needs, boo!)
ON THE WEEKENDS YOU'LL FIND ME
Going to bed at 9:30
Knitting baby hats for babies I will never have
Movies at 4:00 pm to “beat the crowds”
Dinner at 5:00 pm to "beat the crowds"
running a humidifier and casually reflecting on life choices
Stanley Tucci in (in order of importance) Julie and Julia, Easy A, Burlesque, The Devil Wears Prada, and Muppets Most Wanted. Would also settle for Harry Burns or maybe at this point I'm just looking for a lady? TEXT ME!