FAKE WEBSITES AND GROUP TEXTS (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)

THIS BITCH IS PERFECT.

THIS BITCH IS PERFECT.

First off, the bouncy “ Ba ba doo” intro music is back and THANK GAWD. I need some ladies crooning about the birds and bees to prime me for the ridiculousness that is this show.

We open with everyone getting ready for their day, which includes a shot of Cameran carefully dabbing on some eye cream and, honey, stop because you currently look like you’re 23 and I’m going to need you to put down the beauty treatments and pick up a light drug habit to even the playing field for the rest of us.

Whitney enters Thomas’ house and jokingly yells “Room service!” which: that joke is Michael Scott-level terrible if you do while you’re entering someone’s hotel room, but this is a house, not a hotel, so not only is that a bad joke it also make no sense. Whitney is wearing a trenchcoat and the epaulettes are covered with rivets and I found it so distracting I had trouble focusing on anything else. First, I had to Google what the one part of the trenchcoat is even called so I could focus my confusion. Thanks to this image for teaching me something new:

I get it Whitney, when you first get that Bedazzler in the mail you go crazy with it, but those epaulettes never did anything to you other than have an obscure French name and I won’t stand for you treating them that way. Free the epaulettes!

Thomas and Whitney talk about how Whitney’s single now and Thomas counsels Whitney to hit the bar scene again and to “close on sight.” Whitney asks what that means and Thomas clarifies that it means that Whitney is to penetrate a woman in the same location where he first meets her, which sounds like advice you give to someone you’re trying to trick into becoming a serial rapist. Lucky for the female population of Charleston, those Bedazzled epaulettes should warn the ladies away.

Kathryn slaps on some knee-high gladiator boots and a mascara scheme you’d expect on a haunted baby doll and goes to see Danni. They talk about Kathryn failing the drug test and going to rehab and in her testimonial Kathryn shows such genuine emotion when talking about losing access to her kids that I have nothing bitchy to say about it. Kathryn says that she’s, “Humbling myself to the process,” and 100% yes for sure she has been to rehab.

kathryn southern charm

Kathryn goes on to tell Dani that she isn’t sure if she wants to rekindle a friendship with Jennifer, who is a petite firecracker of a woman who stirred up so much shit last season and then showed up to the reunion with a pregnancy that had someone made her mouth grow wider. We flash back to the reunion and Jennifer admitting that she has once breathed the same air as Thomas and you can just see Kathryn’s face morph into this mask of ice cold rage and I want to teach an acting class just to watch people recreate that scene for me.

Cameran shows up at Jennifer’s house to see her new baby and God love Jennifer for appearing on camera when she has just given birth a scant 4 weeks ago. When my child was a month old I was so busy lactating and eating pie and weeping that I and had not yet gotten around to brushing my hair. But Jennifer has hair did makeup did and has managed to put on not one but two goddamn necklaces. Her baby had brain surgery the same day he was born and Jennifer girl I’m sorry for what I said about your mouth, it’s totally gone back to normal now, and I want to buy you all of the martinis.

JENNIFER HAS A NANNY – it all makes sense now how she is standing up and having a conversation and not just sitting on the floor in a pile of spit up and asking everyone to remind her of how she used to be cool.

Shep’s obsession with Craig’s career prospects continues and they agree to hit balls at the batting cages despite the fact that they fucking loathe each other. Craig is accidentally hit with a ball and Shep gets hard. Craig lies about having never ever said that he has graduated law school and the editors show footage of him saying “I graduated from law school” and a bit of precum leaks into Shep’s shorts. Shep informs Craig that he’s been excommunicated from the group chat that he, Whitney, and Cameran have, which sounds like a really great thing to me. To quote Samantha Irby, “Group texts are a hate crime.”

shep southern charm gif

Elsewhere, Whitney, Shep, and Austen order taters. Shep asks the other guys to verify that there were pretty girls at the pool party from last week because unless dude bros agree that the girl you think is pretty is actually pretty then she can’t actually be pretty. It’s like, if your bro doesn’t want to bang this chick, is she even bangable?

Craig’s red pants are back! He’s hanging out at home and his girlfriend, Naomie, comes back from class, where she apparently spends 12 hours and day. She admits that she has no idea what Craig does all day. And then the editors earn their salaries by cutting to a shot of Craig giving his cat a wheelbarrow ride around the backyard. Editors – you guys are the real MVPs.

Did you know that Landon has a website? And that it’s total bullshit? But they’re going to have a launch party for it anyway? Even though it hasn’t yet launched? It’s called ROAM and I did a search and found www.roam.co, which makes sense and has been lauded by The Washington Post and therefore isn’t her site, and then I found www.roamtravelcompany.com and was about to roast Landon over having the longest URL I have ever seen until I noticed that THIS ISN’T HER WEBSITE EITHER. Her website is supposedly located at www.roam-guide.com but that URL goes to the same place as Landon’s attempts to be charming: fuck all nowhere. I mean, if you’re going to start a website and have it heavily featured on TV then maybe have it up and running the day the episode airs? Anyway, Landon is excited that her friends will see her fake website and see that she has a job. Landon, girl, you don’t have a job. A job is something someone pays you for, not a website you trick other people into making for you.

landon southern charm

At the party, Landon is wearing a necklace that looks like the Punisher logo redone as a breast plate. Her boyfriend who I couldn’t pick out of a line up if you paid me, Drew, shows up in a tux because it’s after 6PM, what is he, a farmer? Thomas refuses to meet Drew because peen is gross.

The restaurant where this party is being held is called Scarecrow which 100% abides by the “way you don’t want to die/meat you shouldn’t eat” template of naming hipster restaurants.At the party, Craig confronts Cameran about being left out of the group chat and she readily admits that they have a group chat but it’s cool because all they do is make fun on Craig’s Instagrams, which he immediately accepts as fine. Does Craig not have any self-esteem? Or does he have the most self-esteem?

Thomas is impressed that Landon’s site isn’t pixelated because he hasn’t been online in 22 years.  

Shep takes Landon aside at the party to talk about how she met with this group of dudes who run an app called “Yacht Me” in Nantucket, which isn’t the start to a dirty joke. They were all maybe going to get into business together but then Landon hated on their logo and told them that she rolls with billionaires and now they, like the rest of America, hate her. Landon gets really upset that these guys are saying bad things about her, and also that Shep is telling her about it. She says that Shep doesn’t understand her position because he has never had a job, which is true but you, Landon, also do not have a job. People accuse each other of not having jobs left and right on this show and I don’t know why this is supposed to be such a brutal insult in this group. Like, none of you have jobs, you’re independently wealthy and awful and that’s why you’re on reality TV. Live your truth.

The next day, Shep and Chelsea go on friendly date and decide to get drunk and oh, God, Chelsea, blink twice if you need me to come get you. 

shep southern charm

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