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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WE REVIEW THE NEW JENI'S ICE CREAM FLAVORS

WE REVIEW THE NEW JENI'S ICE CREAM FLAVORS

we're excited.

we're excited.

Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream is the most pretentious, ridiculous, expensive ice cream in the entire world. But sometimes we just wanna feel like Oprah and pay $14 for a pint of ice cream, ya know? FOURTEEN DOLLARS. That's more than the minimum wage in Illinois, ya'll.

We have two super important questions before we take a single bite. Number one: Who is gonna tell Jeni that her name is misspelled? Does she have an email or a number we can call, because that giant sign could not have been cheap and her name is incorrect ALL OVER IT. Also, how has someone not defaced it so it reads "penis"? It would be super easy to do that. (Not that we would.) Can't unsee it now though, can you? Number two: SPLENDID? Is she from Northern Ireland? Splendid? Old girl needs to take it down a notch. Splendid.

Jeni introduced a whole bunch of whack-a-doo flavors for spring and we do not want you to waste $14 on something that could be real gross, so we decided to test them for you. On a Saturday. On Southport. With a line down the block. You're welcome.

Jeni says, "Our spring collection explores what it takes to change your perception in a single instant," and we hate this sentence SO MUCH. Spring collection? Is this wearable ice cream? Also, what do those words mean? Let's just say this description is not splendid, and hope the ice cream fares better.

BLACKCURRANT LAMBIC SORBET

WHAT JENI SAYS IT TASTES LIKE: This is one of those sour beer sorbets with bursting berry flavor as striking as its natural hue. 

WHAT WE SAY IT TASTES LIKE: 
JO: I'm lactose intolerant, this is going to be bad.
AG: You're lactose intolerant???
JO: Well, lactose delicate.
AG: This tastes like heartburn to me.
JO: Yeah, it tastes like wine, sour.
AG: Why's iambic in the title? Did a poet make it.
JO: It's "lambic." I think it's a type of beer.
AG: It looks like there's beets in it. If there's not, that's a real missed opportunity for Jeni. Rich people love beets.

VERDICT:  Sorbet for when your mom is visiting from Libertyville and wants to feel like a fancy city gal while recounting memories from that trip she took to Napa in 1997.

COCOA CURRY COCO

WHAT JENI SAYS IT TASTES LIKE: Cocoa Curry Coco has always reminded Jeni of a great candy bar—creamy milk-first chocolate, complementing flavors, a little texture.

WHAT WE SAY IT TASTES LIKE: 
JO: It looks like something you'd walk up on by Wrigley Field.
AG: It's like one of those "poo or candy bar" games they have at baby showers. <choking> It tastes like a spice cabinet.
JO: Like someone shat in a box and you ate it. 
AG: Real earthy. There's like shards of tree bark in it. I hate it so much.

VERDICT: Super gross. Only order this if you don't want to eat ice cream at all but want to look like you're eating ice cream and just let it melt. Or if you're into self-flagellation. 

GENMAICHA & MARSHMALLOWS

WHAT JENI SAYS IT TASTES LIKE: When genmaicha is steeped in cream, the resulting soft green ice cream tastes nutty and slightly tannic and has this wonderful toasted rice scent. 

WHAT WE SAY IT TASTES LIKE: 
JO: It tastes like a white person.
AG: It tastes like cold.
JO: It tastes like nothing.

VERDICT: Like buying a t-shirt at the Gap.


ORANGE BLOSSOM BUTTERMILK FROZEN YOGURT

WHAT JENI SAYS IT TASTES LIKE: That full flavor comes from combining two of Jeni’s favorite orange essential oils: tangerine for bright acidity, and neroli (the blossom of the bitter orange tree) for a honeyed, floral fragrance.

WHAT WE SAY IT TASTES LIKE: 
AG: The sign says this is Orange Blossom BFY. I really hope this means "butt-fuckin' yogurt," cause that's hilarious.
JO: It's like a freshly cut field of grass.
AG: It tastes like the inside of a LUSH store. 
JO: A real soapy undertone.
AG: It looks like a bath bomb, it tastes like a bath bomb, it is a bath bomb.

VERDICT: Light some candles, throw it in your bathtub, see what happens.

SUPERMOON

WHAT JENI SAYS IT TASTES LIKE: The yellow half tastes like the most marshmallowy marshmallow ever, and the blue side is like sweet and floral candied violet.

WHAT WE SAY IT TASTES LIKE: 
AG: It looks like a child's bedroom. Or like a kid's special blanket made out of cheap fleece.
JO: It tastes like Lucky Charm marshmallows.
AG: Exactly. With an undertone of perfume.

EDITORS NOTE: At this point Jeremy declares himself an "ice cream sommelier."

VERDICT: Not bad! But the only adult who would eat this is a frat boy on his way to a Cubs game.

OSMANTHUS & BLACKBERRY CRACKLE

WHAT JENI SAYS IT TASTES LIKE: We start by steeping dried, yellow osmanthus flowers in cream for an ice cream so rich in stone fruit flavor that you’ll be transported to sunny days at the farmers market, tables covered in tender-skinned peaches.

WHAT WE SAY IT TASTES LIKE: 
JO: <Jeremy completely flipped out when he put this in his mouth and looked like he was chewing on glass. He kept spitting out the "crackle" and looking at it in his hand>
AG: The "crackle" looks like a used Jolly Rancher or a half-eaten cough drop. It's sticky and stuck in my teeth.

VERDICT: It's alright, but the texture is weird. Drop it on the floor by accident and ask for a different flavor.

ULTRAMARINE BLUE BUTT FUCKIN' YOGURT

WHAT JENI SAYS IT TASTES LIKE: How she imagines Matisse’s signature Ultramarine Blue tastes is encapsulated in our electrifying wild blueberry buttermilk frozen yogurt. It’s a flavor we describe as “spacefruit”—a term we use for something that tastes both alien and familiar. 

WHAT WE SAY IT TASTES LIKE: 
JO: It tastes like a farmers market in summer.
AG: Oddly, not colored blue at all?

VERDICT: We like it a lot, it's our favorite of the day!

EDITORS NOTE: Except we each also got a scoop of our actual favorites, lavender for Jeremy (obviously) and salty caramel for Adrienne (obviously).

The last one is the "crackle"-->

AG: Let's be honest, you could never eat a whole tub of any of these.
JO: Can you believe we haven't seen one white person with dreads in here?
AG: I CANNOT.
 

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