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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

YOU BETTER WORK: RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE EP. 4 RECAP

YOU BETTER WORK: RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE EP. 4 RECAP

LORD. The word for this week is EXPERIENCE. These Queens think experience means they are somehow exempt from WORKING THEIR ASSES OFF. The girls enter the workroom throwing every single teeny, tiny bit of shade they can find at Ms. Valentina. Aja is leading the pack, she can't believe she was in the bottom and Valentina was in the top.

Girls, we know, thank you for reminding us AGAIN on this THE FOURTH episode that Valentina has no experience doing drag. That's cool, but you better look out. You keep this up she is gonna snatch that crown right outcha hand. She's got that magic candle. You're gonna mess around and wake up and discover you've been turned into a frog.

DEEP BREATH.

CALL 911. WHAT WHAT WHHHHHHHat IS HAPPENING HERE?

CALL 911. WHAT WHAT WHHHHHHHat IS HAPPENING HERE?

Do any of you have frequent flyer miles I can borrow? I clearly need to get on an airplane, fly out to Ru's castle in LA and tell this bitch what it is. Listen, I know drag makeup is a little exaggerated and creative and what not, but WHAT ABOUT HER MESSY FACE TELLS AJA SHE HAS A WINNING LOOOOOK?  Are the mirrors being cleaned properly? CAN SHE SEE HERSELF? All I can see is that ol' girl looks like a member of Insane Clown Posse. She needs to dial back the attitude and keep her eyes on her own paper. You're trying the same old tricks that got you to this show. BUT GIRL. DRAG RACE IS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. You're not in Brooklyn anymore, bitch! CRANK IT UP A NOTCH.

THERE. I FEEL BETTER.

Ru HELLO HELLO HELLOS himself into the room wearing a yellow suit. It looks like expensive upholstery that would be in Elton John’s house. The girls are going to join the morning show drama by co-hosting competing morning talk shows. We have Aja heading up Good Morning Bitches and Trinity leading Not On Today. These two select their teams one by one. Aja is pissed at Valentina because she has no experience AND Trinity has a bumpy past with Eureka ... SO OBVIOUSLY those are their first picks. DEEP SIGH. These bitches are super close to martyrdom, but they suck at this competition. WHO YOU TRYIN' TO IMPRESS BOO BOO?

ANNNNND AGAIN. No mini-challenges. I miss the minis. That's where we really get to know the girls. Hopefully we'll get the mini-challenges back once we've dropped a few ladies. These bigger challenges, and especially these big group challenges, make everyone blend together. It's hard to tell what's going on and a few of the girls get lost.

Trinity and Eureka lock horns RIGHT AWAY and cause tension for their group AND Cucu and Charlie get into rough waters because Charlie wants to correct every breath Cucu takes. Charlie has a lot to say about her grammar and word choice. It's exhausting and I wanna burn her wigs. I'm no great Cucu fan, but CHILL OUT, B! DANG. Before you know it the girls are in a TV studio and we're filming various segments. There are no breaks, no do-overs, so the point of the challenge, I GUESS, is to see how well they're able to handle the bumps and keep it moving. It's all happening so fast though. We get zero time with my girl Ross Matthews and I find that THE MOST disappointing part of all.

What we get is a big fat wad of beige. You'd think that drag queens would tear this challenge up. It's a chance for them to be sassy and cut throat. Surprise surprise Aja and Valentina bomb because they can't get beyond their drama AND Cucu and Charlie bit it because of Charlie's need to make everything exactly perfect. Trinity and Peppermint also tank here because they have a complicated back story that doesn't read on camera ... it's just weird and unfortunate.

Trinity and Peppermint are sorta shocking to me. I was sure that Trinty's southern sass would really succeed, but that didn't happen. I also keep waiting for Peppermint to nail it ... because ISN'T SHE BETTER THAN THIS? I have a feeling she is, but she has yet to find her footing. The stand outs here are Sasha and Shea who are hilarious with a food segment AND Eureka and Nina with their DIY drag padding on a budget bits. SO. FUNNY. SO. GREAT.

Each team interviews Naya Rivera (guest judge) and it's weird. It could just be because ... Naya Rivera. Are we supposed to get excited? Is she a celebrity? Who decided they should book her and not Meredith Viera or Whoopi Goldberg, or Rosie O'Donnell. WHAT I AM SAYING HERE IS WHERE CAN I APPLY TO WORK FOR RUPAUL SEND ME A MF APPLICATION. Trinity's team talks too much and forgets to sign off at the end of the show. It's a hot mess... so they're CLEARLY in the bottom this week.

Then? We have a new section of the show that I like to call The ABC After School Special Section. WHY DO WE KEEP HAVING THESE TEACHABLE MOMENTS. This is RuPaul's Drag Race not Oprah's Next MF Chapter.

The girls are in the workroom getting runway ready and there are so many dramas coming from so many different directions it's hard to keep up. It's a drag queen shit storm. First there's some sass between Sasha and Eureka over an eating disorder joke gone wrong. MILLENNIALS YOU ARE TOO SENSITIVE PLEASE CALM DOWN. THEN. Valentina and Aja get into it over their chemistry and experience and bitchiness from Aja. This one goes from fight to makeup so fast it'll leave your head spinning. Though ... it does have me thinking that maybe Aja is Phi Phi in disguise. Except that this girl has like ZERO CHUTZPAH (YASSS, Yiddish, bitch ... look it up) THEN. THEN. You might wanna grab a cocktail for this one. Cucu talks about her work in AIDS prevention. Charlie works his way to the middle of the room and has a crying meltdown because he has watched most of his friends die of HIV/AIDS. It's sad and terrible, but then they all agree that it is important to remember the struggles of the 80s and 90s and how hard it was way back then. It's at this point that I break a mirror and eat the shards because I am from the 1970s and how am I even alive to type these words and what is the point of continuing with my old wrinkly ass existence.

The runway starts and it's so fast that I don't even know what to tell you about it. It's seriously on double FF. There are nighties. That's all I got. Everyone looks alright I guess. Nobody is a total disaster.

Sasha and Shae are the winners this week. OBVI. They spend their food segment trying to not fuck each other and it's amazing. This means that the rest of Aja's team is safe and everyone on Trinity's team is up for elimination. The stress of being in the bottom makes Nina cry. I'm not sure if she's crying because she has a chance to go home, or if it's because her makeup is a nightmare. She's one of my favorites but her makeup is terrifying, she looks like Sharon Needles and not in a good way.

Ru asks the girls who should go home. There's a three way split between Trinity (for being a bad team captain), Charlie (for being cold and lame), and Peppermint (because she clearly goofed up a couple times on screen). Ru has Charlie and Trinity lip sync. It's hard to argue with his choice. They get to do a Britney song!

Trinity looks amazing and eats Charlie alive from the moment the music starts. It's awesome, probably the best lip sync we've seen this season, though that isn't really saying much. This is also an incredibly sad moment because Charlie just stands there like your crippled grandmother and dances with her hands and waits to die. His confessional breaks in and plays over a portion of the lip sync. He says that he's not a lip sync performer because that's not how they do it in the UK. I AM SORRY WHAT? BITCH. YOU BETTER WORK.

Charlie clearly sashays his dumb ass on back to Buckingham Palace or wherever the hell she came from. AND YEAH. WHERE IS THIS BITCH EVEN FROM PICK AN ACCENT. SHIT. I sorta liked her, but how are you going to give up like that? I don't care where your experience lies. When it comes down to it you gotta LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE.

GUYS. Reality TV has been around for A WHILE now. You've seen this show. You've seen all the shows. You know what is expected. You cannot be a contestant on Project Runway and not practice making a dress out of Coke cans. You cannot be a contestant on American Idol and not practice singing country music. AND. You cannot come to RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE and not lip sync. DON'T. Now I want those frequent flyer miles so I can fly to wherever Charlie is and throw my gorgeous silver tea set at her lazy little head. How's that for spilling the tea?

 

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