I'M WITH HER, BITCH (RHONY RECAP)

Dude. I have election PTSD and this show is NOT helping. When the promos for the new season of RHONY started a few weeks ago I got that old itchy November feeling. I thought I was over it but NOPE. You know the feeling I'm talking about, don't act brand new. The feeling of remembering that you used to be happy and feel safe, but now you're trying to build a nuclear bomb shelter under your apartment and calculating how long you can survive on the yellow mustard in your fridge in the event someone drops the big one on us. SO YOU'RE NERVOUS AND SCARED AND YOU'RE PRETTY SURE YOUR HAIR IS FALLING OUT. YES I AM YELLING. IT'S BECAUSE ... well ... whatever you watch the news. Each episode gets us one step closer to the election. I'm not sure how reliving that is going to feel. But whatever friends ... we've got a trip to worry about. Are we going to the Hamptons or maybe it's the Berkshires (I AM POOR I DO NOT KNOW WTF I AM EVEN SAYING)?

The girls are split up into three groups. We are starting off this season totally splintered. It doesn't feel good. I'd like to blame it on new season jitters, but the lines are clearly drawn and I feel uneasy.

Group #1

Sonja and Tins (new girl Tinsley) are packing for their trip. They're giggling and yelling and being super goofy while talking about their Louie luggage. LOL. See. There's nothing to worry about. Who cares about politics or presidents or the impending nuclear doom. Sonja is still going on about Tom and Lu, and at one point Tins breaks in with a confessional and says what we're all thinking ... IT'S MAYBE TIME TO LET THIS GO FOR A MINUTE. I think maybe we'll have to let Tins stick around for a while. The jury is still out, but I'm almost ready to like her. Sonja says Berkshires eleventy hundred times and with such a weird pronunciation. Brook-SHE-ers. It's like she's reminding us that we're all poor and probably gonna die soon.

Group #2

LuAnn and Dorinda are at LuAnn and Tom's place for the weekend. Lu orders take out tacos and announces to everyone that THESE ARE TACOS. As if she's discovered a new food that no one is familiar with, though, maybe rich white ladies don't eat tacos? I don't know, but this is more proof to me that everything is about the election and so I'm eating my hand. They go for a boat ride. They're having a good time and it's fun to watch because New England in the fall is MAGIC.

Group #3

Carole and Bethenny are at B's country place. Carole is having election stress (I FEEL YOU GIRL). She's planning an election party, and this is where I start to get nauseous. She invited Ramona to her party, but Ramona was really really really really weird and defensive (SHOCKING) about it. I think it's because she's CLEARLY a Trump supporter, but I can't go there yet. Let's think about something else. B thinks Carole is too stressed and crazed over the election. It's super funny for the world's MOST STRESSED OUT AND CRAZY PERSON to give someone else a lecture on being stressed out and crazy. Whatever. They're rich so they go see an acupuncturist. There's also cupping? I wanna do both of these things, who wants to take me?

So yeah. The ladies are in three separate groups and everybody is pretty much bitching about everybody else. WTF is gonna happen? I know there is some junk brewing on the horizon, but can't we all just get along?? In spite of everything these ladies are reminding me that I love them. SHIT. I love them so much. I hope they get their mess together AND QUICK because when they have fun and are TOGETHER it is the BEST. I mean of course these women are always wrestling about something, but you know what I mean. Yes, I just talked about these women like I know them...from my busted couch in Chicago. BUT I FUCKING LOVE THEM AND I DO NOT CARE. Don't judge me, I'll call Dorinda and have her knock your teeth out.

It's evening and everyone is meeting at a restaurant for dinner. It's cute. It looks like they might be outside? BUT ... it also looks like they might be inside? There's greenery in the shape of old school hedges? It feels like we're in a hedge maze. 

Carole & B show up first and have a moment about seating. Who can sit where blah blah blah, and then Ramona shows up. She's not on one of the three teams yet (AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK WHERE SHE WAS HOW COULD YOU) ... because she was with her daughter. There was a sorority party and everyone loves her. There are pictures and we have to look at them and pretend to be interested. Echos of "I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom" are on repeat through this section.

Lu and Dorinda arrive. You can almost hear the tension close in on the table. It's a little tense, but everyone is saying hello and trying at the moment.

Carole brings up her election party and Dorinda goes off about the presidential election and how it is so close and she's so scared. Dorinda says "If I wake up on Wednesday morning, and he is the president and she’s in the White House, I’m going to say to my daughter, ‘You know what, go strip right now. Be done with it all, take your brain out of your head, find a misogynist pig and go strip because you too can be in the White House.'"

Ramona says that she wants to go to the party, but she's scared. Again. You can't really tell if Ramona is just being sensitive Ramona here. It's obvious that Carole is maybe being a little sassy about the election and how well informed everyone may OR MAY NOT be, HOWEVER what if Ramona is just a stupid Trump supporter? I MEAN WHAT IFFFFF. Do I have to hate her? SOMEBODY GET ME A PINO GRIGIO. 

B admits that she too is nervous about the party (OMG ARE THEY BONDING) because Carole is so into what's happening and is so clearly a Clinton supporter. WAIT. NO. Are they BOTH Trump supporters? How can this be a thing? BRB. I'm going to go knock over an endcap of Skinny Girl Margaritas at the grocery store.

AND THEN ... as if there wasn't enough tension ...

Ramona brings up the recent news that B made a movie where her boobs are hanging out and she's naked.

LOLSCREMINGLOL ... they weren't bonding ... that was a MF trap ... KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN THE HAMPTONBERKSHIRES ARE MESSY. 

She asks B how she discusses her boob movie drama/news with her kid. Her 6 year old kid, ps by the way. Even though it's topical, this comes out of nowhere and feels like an attack. Ramona should have just screamed: YOU MADE A TITTY MOVIE FIGHT ME. Ramona digs deeper and brings up the dogs that B adopted without telling Ramona. Maybe B needs a newsletter, you guys? This whole thing is A LOT and super weird and bitchy. B isn't really bothered about the boob movie talk, it's that Ramona and Lu start talking about it and being hateful RIGHT ACROSS THE TABLE from her. She can hear them. It blows up quickly. Bethenny decides to leave, and Carole goes with her since they rode there together. And also? Of course they do. It's not like they were gonna eat dinner you guys. Because. Well. Yeah.

It's the next day and Tins and Sonja arrive at the house they'll be staying in for the weekend. There's a dinner party at Ramona's later and they've gotta get ready and stuff. They say chic A LOT. These two haven't been around much this episode. They're obviously letting them rest before they're marched into the fire at Ramona's.

Then we're back with Ramona, Lu, and Dorinda. They're at lunch. Yeah. These three are all on the same team now? It's ... interesting? Yada yada yada ... they're rehashing the previous night. Long story short: Bethenny can dish it out, but she can't take it. True for sure, but like ... 

Carole and B are together, and it's CLEAR that B is NOT going to attend Ramona's dinner party. We see B gather firewood? WOW. YOU GUYS. CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US! They're bitching at each other about how Ramona brought up the boob movie stuff ... it was clearly meant as some kind of an ambush.

The sun goes down. I AM SO NERVOUS.

Ramona is getting ready for the party, and then everyone arrives slowly. Carol and Dorinda are talking, and we discover that Dorinda has been collecting information on Sonja. LOL. LIKE FOR REAL. Do not fuck with D. She is a MF Mobster. She has a friend who tells her info about random people, and this is how she has info on Sonja. Dorinda apparently has a file? The friend isn't FBI, but it's scary AF. Dorinda plans to confront Sonja at dinner for things that she has said online and to other people in their circle and I get so nervous I hide under a blanket. 

Then? Because television is beautiful Sonja & Tins show up at the party.

TO BE CONTINUED.

GASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSP.

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