MEN ARE GARBAGE (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)

Southern Charm Season 4 Episode 3

How is it anyone is having sex with these men?

Welcome back! We start the episode the same way we always do – seeing what all of these shallow people are up to. Austen runs! Landon sprays her face with an unknown substance that I’m guessing is bleach! T-Rav scoffs at someone on the phone while the American-flag elephant on his desk serves as an ironic reminder that he will never be in politics again! Cameran and her bouncy ponytail go to the gym!

Chelsea joins Cameran at the gym and they participate in that cliché where empirically beautiful women stand around and disparage themselves. Chelsea hasn’t worked out for two weeks! But Cameran is super weak! But Chelsea is even weaker! But Cameran eats nothing but Twinkies and circus peanuts! Calm down ladies – you’re both prettier than 99% of the US population. After they workout, Cameran lays on the floor and pants and asks Chelsea how her date with Shep went. Turns out they had a sleepover but Chelsea kept her clothes on and made Shep sleep at the foot of her bed. 

Landon and Craig meet to discuss the fundraiser that Naomie is throwing. We find out that Craig knows how to pronounce charcuterie, and I just found out that I know how to spell charcuterie on the first try, so we’re all making our WASP ancestors proud. Craig is in charge of acquiring the step-and-repeat, which is that 10 foot tall banner covered with the name of something that you don’t care about that you always see behind celebrities while you’re trying to decide who wore it best. Craig keeps calling it a step-and-release which is wrong and also a way more accurate term. Landon and Craig talk about how they’ve both been scolded by Shep, which Landon classifies as “bullying.” Girl, that ain’t bullying. If he was bullying you he would have mentioned your squinty crazy eyes and your outfits. 

Shep’s at home, talking to his Mom. She asks about the gift she just gave him and he says, “I’ll probably lose it but thank you,” and Shep’s mom, you did this, you created this child man monster, and now the very least you could do stop buying him crap that he’s just going to throw into the river while he’s blackout drunk.

In a testimonial, Shep confesses that he loves knocking people down a couple pegs. It’s like hating on people is in his blood. If the cast of Southern Charm had intro tag lines, Shep’s would be, “I hate combing my hair but I love shitting on your dreams.” 

PATRICIA PACKING CAFTAN REALNESS. She tells us that her goal in life is to bring 25 suitcases with her on a trip and Patricia, you are my #lifegoals.  Her one dog is getting pudgy and Patricia muses that she wants to invent Spanx for dogs which: are we now projecting our body dysmorphia onto our pets? You guys, stomachs are squishy and fun to poke and everyone has a squish tummy and everyone still gets laid and we should all stop pretending that squish tummies are some horrible secret we need to hide underneath layers of foundational garments.

Kathryn visits with an extra from Mannequin 2: On the Move to talk about getting back into modeling. This woman, who works at a modeling agency, is sporting a spiral perm that is so tight and bouncy that it reminds me that Ogilvie Home Perm kits used to exist. Mannequin 2 gives Kathryn some really solid modeling advice in that she should stop showing clients pictures that were taken before a series horrible decisions ruined her looks. She also suggests that Kathryn just throw her children into modeling because they have that fresh-faced toddler-guest-house look that people are really interested in right now.
The editors kill it again by intercutting footage of T-Rav in a testimonial pining about what life could have been had he met someone more mature than Kathryn with footage of him pouring himself a mid-morning bourbon. Landon comes over to T-Rav’s house and comments, “I haven’t been over here since that night that you kicked us all out.” But now she’s in hot pursuit of the man who screamed her out of his home. Thomas tells her about his upcoming polo match at his plantation and I guess that’s the proper term for that piece of property but every time he says it I wanna go take a shower and scrub off all of my skin.

Naomie is a bit anxious about this fundraiser that she’s planning and Craig tries to reassure her that it’s all going to go great despite the fact that he’s responsible for some aspects of the event. Craig uses the logic that he’s good at things so if things go bad it’s going to be good because he can make bad things good and he doesn’t understand why this isn’t calming Naomie down. He tells her to stop taking it personally that he’s going to ruin her event and instead think about it logically, which, my dude, the second logic enters her head she’s going to break up with you. Craig says that he never gets stressed out because, “I’m able to reason any worry out of my brain.”  

Shep shows up for drinks with Austen and T-Rav and brings with an unironic mullet friend. They talk about how much sex Shep has and he states, “One time I introduced myself to a girl who I had had sex with the night before,” and WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING. So, yesterday I filled out a form at my dermatologist’s and I admitted to having four drinks or more in a sitting in the past year and then my dermatologist gave me a pamphlet called “Rethinking Your Drinking” and now that I’ve read the pamphlet I feel qualified to say that every single human on this show has an immense drinking problem. Shep, PER MY DERMATOLOGIST YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IT’S NOT CUTE IT’S GOING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE. Why am I trying - whatever, do what you want, just make sure the cameras are rolling.

Craig was able to order a big sign for the fundraiser? And he’s now the best? But he also needs to print off auction items and the printer isn’t working? So he’s right back to sucking? Naomie leaves to set up for the event while Craig tries to get the printer to work by talking to his cat and, when that doesn’t work, just reasons the worry out of his brain and decides to do fuck all nothing.

PS. This is a gif, so now you know everything about Craig.

PS. This is a gif, so now you know everything about Craig.

Meanwhile, Naomie is at the event, wondering where Craig is with the auction items that he’s supposed to print out. Girl, you already know the answer. Craig shows up with 20 minutes to go and gets a bit snappish with Naomie when he realizes that hanging a 10 foot tall banner is going to take more than five minutes and also she needs the print outs that he doesn’t have. Craig comments in his testimonial that he’s amazing with stress, while, for Naomie, “Unfortunately...it cripples her.”  My dude, Naomie is fine with stress, and it is you who are terrible with stress because when you feel any stress at all you just go limp and lay on the ground and wait for your girlfriend to come by and make sure you don’t get eaten by wolves.

The fundraiser starts and Naomie shit talks Craig to her parents in French which is something I 100% would do. Cameran finds out that Shep told Whitney that, instead of sleeping head-to-toe with Chelsea, he totally banged Chelsea. Cameran shares this with Chelsea but then tries to excuse it away by saying that Shep was probably just blackout drunk at the time and besides he says terrible things all of the time to ruin relationships so Chelsea should just persevere because she can be the one to save Shep. But, like, what do you get for saving Shep? What is the actual prize? That goofy ass dude with teeth that look like you could win a bear if you throw a ball at them just being a low-grade dick to you for the rest of your life while he also cheats on you while he also complains that you’ll never be as good as his mom? HARD PASS.

Can we take a step back for a second and ask why the hell these women are even in pursuit of these overflowing trash bags of men? This show is the strongest argument I’ve ever seen for women to abandon men all together – just bank some sperm, take off into the hills, start an all-female commune, and live in goddamn bliss for the rest of our lives.

Back at the fundraiser, Chelsea starts talking to Austen and they don’t immediately hate each other. Chelsea says that she’s probably too old for Austen cause he’s in his late-20s and she’s 31 years old and Austen responds, “Um, that is crazy, you are not old,” and Chelsea is like, “I’m super impressed that you aren’t disgusted by me,” so now you know that it’s on. Is Charleston ground zero for misogyny? All of these gross dudes walking around like these ladies should be so lucky as to catch a glimpse of a testicle. LADIES, IT’S A CON.