KARDASHIANS, KUKUS, AND KWIK DRAG (RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE RECAP)

The early 2000's are alive in Drag Race, ya'll. From faux fur to a Paris Hilton impersonation, we've got some real throwbacks to the era of Ugg boots, pussy flashing, sex tapes, and nascent reality shows. As expected some of the girls fit right in to the early aughts trash (Trinity from Orlando), others sort of flounder about (Nina), and some know exactly where their lane is (Alexis).

Of course we cannot forget last week's epic disaster that was Charlie Hide's lip sync.

me watching Charlie and Trinity's lip sync.

me watching Charlie and Trinity's lip sync.

A 100 year old woman with more moves than Charlie Hides.

A 100 year old woman with more moves than Charlie Hides.

Look I want to be kind to everyone but I read some interviews with Charlie where she said she had a cracked rib, yada yada, and I'm sorta like, Alyssa Edwards would death drop a cracked rib into her lung before she didn't LIP SYNC FOR HER LIFE. That is the point, girl, IT'S FOR YOUR LIFE. Not just your spot on a TV show, it's more than that, the lip sync is where you give everything inside of you for drag herstory.

It's hard to not feel as if Charlie's lip sync is sort of a metaphor for the girls this season--like they're there, but sort of not really. None of them have the professionalism or straight-up fire of Bob, Alaska, Detox, Alyssa, Katya. And godammit I'm just learning to accept it so we can all move forward.

Ru hello hello hellos into the werkroom, again dressed in the Elton John Upholstery Collection! This time it's from Elton's jazzy patio line. He looks great and gives us what we've been waiting for, a gift from the gods, A MINI CHALLENGE! THE PIT CREW! QUICK DRAG! We're in heaven. For like 30 seconds because it doesn't really last very long. But girl, Valentina looks more beautiful in quick drag than I look with an entire day of dyeing and depilatory. Okay with it, I love her.

Alexis wins the mini challenge, not really sure why, but I trust Ru implicitly so it must be right. She gets the power to assign the roles for KARDASHIAN THE MUSICAL. I feel like you could write an entire dissertation about the Kardashians infiltrating Drag Race this way, but I don't have time for that. Instead read my colleague Zane's think piece on where we're at with Drag Race, because the whole Kardashian thing feels very snake eating its tail to me and I'm in a Kardashian Koma. BUT WE'RE ALL HERE FOR FUNSIES DAMMIT SO I'M GETTING ON BOARD, DANCE BITCHES! 

There doesn’t seem to be any real tea or shade during the assigning of the roles but Nina Bonina Brown DOES NOT TAKE IT THAT WAY GIRL. No one has wanted to be inside Blac Chyna this badly since Rob Kardashian and look how that turned out for him. This storyline dominates like the entire episode. There's a real disconnect here because girl, you got Khloe, WHO ALSO HAS A GIGANTIC ASS, WORK WITH IT.

Nina continues being a bitch during rehearsals and acts like a dick to TODRICK. WHUT GIRL WHUT. Todrick stars on Broadway, girl. Todrick raps. When Todrick does drag, he looks like this:

todrick hall.png

I am sorry, but I just cannot have shade thrown at Todrick who is not only a talented artist but seems like a genuinely sweet person. My kid is almost eight and we listen to Straight Outta Oz almost every day on the way to school, rolling into the Montessori parking lot all, WRONG BITCH because I'm learning him right.

I digress. Rehearsal. Farrah can't clap, Eureka's gonna do "the sprain," Kuku as Kim is a disaster. Todrick isn’t seeing Kylie and Kendall in Farrah and Valentina. But, um, how would you turn yourself into Kylie or Kendall, they’re like blank spaces of humans? 

They barely exist LOL

They barely exist LOL

What’s it say about you really if you’re on a TV show and the main things we know about you are 1) colored wigs 2) lip filler 3) fucks Tyga. I mean this bitch has a PLATFORM. My dream is to write a Kardashian parody where there is an additional Kar-Jenner who is working on her PhD in Women’s Studies and she just CANNOT GET ALONG. Spouts feminist theory and the only one who even understands the words comin’ outta dat mouth is Yeezy (sort of).

It's time for our PSA of the week:

Eureka decides it's time to apologize to Sasha and Valentina about the eating disorder moment from last week. Her half painted face looks like a hypercolor t-shirt. Shea joins the party and for a minute I feel like I'm in the bathroom of my sorority house or a real special episode of 90210. Look, I do not want to minimize anyone's struggles, but all these teachable moments REEK OF PRODUCER MANIPULATION and like, it's not cool, hunty's. Please stop.

It's time for the LIP SYNC EXTRAVAGANZA!

But first: Meghan Trainor sitting in a goddamned unicorn onesie next to motherfucking RuPaul. If this isn't the most disrespectful thing I have ever seen...KIDS THESE DAYS.

The lip sync stand outs are: Peppy's Britney, which was EPIC. Aja's Kourtney wasn't terrible, she had the sort of vacant thing down BUT THAT PAINT, and Alexis' momager Kris was the role she was BORN TO PLAY. I made this gif for you and it is everything:

I'm not an IT professional, I hope you appreciate how amazing this is.

I'm not an IT professional, I hope you appreciate how amazing this is.

Everybody else is just whatever. Nina is still in a bad mood and I want to yell at her. GIRL. IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO PLAY KHLOE. She touches her hair CONSTANTLY and purses her lips a lot. And like her ass is huge, why is your padding so whack?

FAUX FUR RUNWAY

They barely give me any time to look at it and tell you about it, but here we go:

Peppermint: a pink cotton candy fluffball crossed with your slutty aunt from the suburbs wearing her "going out skirt"

Trinity: What is Trinity supposed to be? This is how you say “cave woman” in Orlando. UGG BOOT EXTRAVAGANZA. There are too many mixed racial metaphors going on in this lewk.

Sasha: is a whirling dervish, which is Turkish not Russian, but whatevs. It's creative and I like it.

Alexis: Real Housewife of Naperville

Cucu: Is that a Game of Thrones costume?

Nina: Uggs N Tits

Aja: I dunno. Paris Hilton realness? 

Valentina: is beautiful

Farrah Moan: Whut. Is this a "club girl" lewk? It’s like Farrah Moan as Jim Carrey as the Riddler

Shea Coule: in Miley Cyrus Collection, looks great

Eureka: there’s a whore in whoville and I love the edit they're giving her this week. SUSPICIOUS?

Panel goes about how you would expect, with Nina releasing ONE EXQUISITE TEAR down her cheek that she just refuses to wipe away. EW ARE THOSE FEELINGS? GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME. Ru does not let her off the hook and is like, stop playing the victim girl, pull it together. I sort of want to know what the hell happened to Nina in Atlanta, but also am like "................."

We get a pretty lame lip sync between Cucu and Farrah where Cucu removes her Game of Thrones cloak and gyrates around in mis-matching undergarments and now I'm like this: 

RU PULLS A TYRA AND "TAKES A MOMENT." Eureka crutches forward. They won’t let Eureka continue and I’m super fucking bummed. I love her. THIS IS SO SAD. LIKE WHY ARE FARRAH AND CUCU STAYING. But at least we know Eureka will be a real threat in season 10 after she gets some time to watch herself on TV and clean it up a bit. But what a loss for next week's SNATCH GAME, right?
 

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