We all have our problems.

One of mine happens to be an odd relationship with the defunct 90’s era TV show, Beverly Hills, 90210. If you don’t know the show, then this is going to be a really strange introduction for you.

I’ve watched all 10 seasons, every single episode, more than twice now, possibly four times - okay five, six - and something has come to light, as it is wont to do when you’ve done the type of depressive deep diving I have.

I began to notice, over the course of 10 life-denying seasons, that the cast of this show had a really shitty propensity for putting their shoes where they didn't belong, namely on all of the furniture. I know what you’re thinking: “You’re unwell. Why would you notice this?” And the answer is: because it’s there.

Why was this happening? Was it the director's choice? Just dumb acting? Secret code? I compiled the data. I analyzed.

This is my sad journey.

Part I: People Eat Here, You Total Grossouts.

A blasé disregard for shared public spaces abounds. The wealthy, they think they own everything.


PART II: People sleep here, you monsters.

Here’s where it starts getting egregious. The disease mutates and spreads to secondary and tertiary characters. No one is immune and no bed shall go without some sort of sole smeared all over it.


A telephone figures prominently in most of these instances. There are also shoes on pillows, which, I just … I can’t.

PART III: “My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.” - L.M. Montgomery

The disrespecting of the couch. Here is where I came to the conclusion that these people are just such shitty actors, they cannot help but treat everything as a prop. They can’t even be bothered to pretend (which is their only job!!!) that the couch belongs to someone, was bought with money, and placed inside a home and maybe you shouldn’t put your disgusting filth-shoes on it. It’s really a testament to the lowbudgetness of this show - every other scene stars a boom mic, so I don’t know what I’m expecting from these people.

“Where does contagion end and art begin?” --Neil Gaiman

My quest for answers continues. I’ve gotten nowhere and discovered nothing except this idiotic shoe business. I continue to watch the reruns, hoping for some sign, some clue … that I haven’t utterly wasted my life (I have). Join me! Wanna see more? TAKE A LOOK AT THIS MESS.

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