YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US (RHONY RECAP)

Have you been holding your breath since last week? I know I have. That stunning final moment was HIGH DRAMA! You could cut that tension with Carole's cheekbones, yo. Well, ready or not here we are back at Ramona’s dump in the HAMPTONBERKSHIRES. Sonja and Tins have just entered the house to a big fat bunch of rich-ass crickets. What on Earth does that sound like? Well, I’ll tell you. They sound a bag of diamonds quietly bouncing around in a Birkin. No silly. It’s morgue quiet when these girls arrive, because everyone has FEEEEEELINGS about Sonja.

The party absorbs the two of them and everything seems fine. Well, there’s definitely that “mom and dad are fighting please nobody talk about it and pretend everything is normal” feeling, but let’s ignore that and maybe everyone else will too. LOL. Like that’s gonna happen. We’re at Ramona’s girl, don’t you remember?

Sonja brings Ramona a candle as a hostess gift. It’s in a giant leopard gift bag because … well, you watch the show. Tins meets everyone, and she’s a little timid. She’s scared to meet and talk to Dorinda because Sonja has been badmouthing her non-stop. Hilarious since the minute D and Tins meet, you can see the sparks. These two are going to fall madly and deeply in love. You can almost smell their future gin soaked nights complete with stanky Virginia Slims hair. It’s gonna get dirty. I CANNOT WAIT.

D asks Tins all about why she moved away to Palm Beach and why she’s back. Tins kinda melts here and is visibly embarrassed, but D stops her and reminds her that everyone in the room has made mistakes. HOLY SHIT. It’s like Iyanla: FIX MY HAMPTONBERKSHIRES LIFE. It’s beautiful. They’re gonna be BFFs. ZOMG.

D is drinking wine but it’s hard to tell if she’s tipsy or not. She’s always a little rambunctious. The season just started, so my Dorinda drunk gauge is broken. Maybe D always sounds like this? I can’t remember. WHAT I’M SAYING HERE IS DORINDA SOUNDS WASTED. She’s not falling down though, so maybe everything is fine and I’m just a cold judgmental bitch. One thing is clear. She is gearing up for a confrontation with Sonja.

Then BOOM. They’re at the dining room table waiting for a dinner Ramona is going to pretend she prepared. You guys. She didn't make this dinner. Nope. D starts making suggestive comments about Sonja reporting to bloggers. She tries to be cool and chill about it, and move slow but she has been holding on to her feelings since last season. She instantly turns in to Cujo (look that shit up Millennials). She starts yelling at Sonja about spreading rumors and lies about her and tells her to keep her mouth shut. It’s super aggressive and everyone is uncomfortable. There are a lot of big eyes and turned heads. This makes me laugh. These people are friends with Ramona. Surely this isn't shocking. New girl Tins is really struggling. She's throwing her head back and forth like she's at a tennis match while trying to jump in to defend Sonja. Good try, baby girl, but this shiz is COMPLICATED. Maybe get another bowl of pasta.

Suddenly we cut to Candace Bushnell? I'm sorry. What. Who? Candace Bushnell the author is here? What is going on? WHY IS CANDICE BUSHNELL AT THIS PARTY? Her eyes get all wide and crazy at the yelling. Girl. You better get our your pencil and start taking notes. This mess is better than anything that happens in your books. If Lipstick Jungle were HALF this good I'd be watching that shit right now instead of these busted old wind bags. Whip out that iPhone and start recording. This is some good shit. Get your shit together and get me another TV show. Don't make me come out to White Lady, Connecticut and smack you. GAH.

The yelling continues. It’s a lot of Sonja’s unintelligible word noises and Dorinda saying KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT over and over. There's slurring because: YOU'VE MET DORINDA. Some suburban dude breaks in to sorta squelch the fighting because, “this is not how a dinner party goes.” He offers a toast to Ramonna for being a wonderful hostess and wishes everyone a happy and healthy new year. There dude. You got your 26 seconds of fame. Zip it. Why is there a dude here? ALSO? WHY DO WHITE MEN RUIN EVERYTHING. I’m not even at this party and I’m offended that this dude is HERE and talking about anything. Go back to your golf game, grandpa. Nobody asked you.

SO MUCH YELLING. It continues after whitey tries to save the world and Bethenny pulls up outside to pick up Carole. She can hear through the phone that the women are screaming at each other and being crazy. Carole isn’t ready to leave yet. I mean obviously she’s ready to get out of here because this party is a disaster, but she needs extra time to talk to Ramona.  She’s obviously going to disinvite Ramona to her election party. Lord help us all.

Everything gets very: YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US. Ramona finally becomes a party host and whisks Sonja away from the dinner table. This is really the only way to save her from D’s tirade. I mean I’m obsessed with Dorinda but like … GIRL. We get it. Settle down, maybe it's time to move on?

Carole gets up too and ends up turning a corner and running into Ramona in the next room. Yeah. LOL. That was totally accidental. HA! They talk about the election party. LORD GIVE US STRENGTH. Carole tries to explain that she doesn’t think Ramona should come, and Ramona gets just as offended as you would expect. There's some shouting here now too. YOU DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON. I AM NOT VOTING. That sort of thing. It's mostly just sad in retrospect because we know what's coming and everything feels terrible. There’s no real resolution and Carole runs out of the party (lol party?) and climbs into Bethenny’s big black famous person SUV and drives away.

NEXT MORNING.

Whew lord. It’s the next morning. I thought we were never gonna get out of that party! So much screaming. We’re at LuAnn’s house. Candace Bushnell is here again. WHY? I mean it’s fine, but it’s also super weird. Unless she’s here to announce Sex and the City 3, she need to get off my TV. GO DO SOME WORK. They’re all reviewing the previous night’s events. Dorinda and Sonja were crazy LOLOLOL I can’t believe they acted like that. LOOK AT THESE CIDER DONUTS (that's seriously a thing that gets shouted). Ramona announces that she has been disinvited to Carole’s election party. The group reaction is tepid at best. Nobody gives us convincing shock and awe. Clearly Ramona shouldn't be at that party. Ramona blames the whole thing on Bethenny’s influence. No, girl. It’s because we all know you’re a Trump supporter and we wanna poke those crazy eyes out, but we gonna let you live because murder is illegal and I am too pretty for jail.

Tins and Sonja are getting ready. They leave their place and start walking. CELEBRITIES THEY’RE JUST LIKE US: THEY WALK OUTSIDE. They’re in gray and black and have on these Pilgrim hats? Is this to remind us that Thanksgiving is just around the corner? They look a little crazy. These hats are a serious commitment. We’re not talking about a flirty fun Lady Gaga cover art hat, we are talking full on Nina, Pinta and The Santa Maria here. THAT PILGRIM LIFE DOT COM.

Just when you think Sonja and Tins might be out for a late round of trick-or-treating they arrive at LuAnn’s place for brunch. OHMYGODWHATISGOINGTOHAPPEN. They sneak in slowly and listen to the other girls. It's super nervous making. Advice: NEVER DO THIS EVER. Thank goodness nothing too terrible is being said, nobody has to feel bad about anything. Sonja and Dorinda hug right away. GASP. They got their mess out and now it’s over. The other girls take a giant sigh of relief, but also they’re just as confused as you are right now.

And then we’re suddenly back in the city. Tins is meeting up with LuAnn and Dorinda for dinner. See. I told ya they were gonna be BFFs. They meet up to become acquainted and we discover that Tins did not tell Sonja where she was going that night. You don’t have to work at NASA to know this isn’t going to go well.

You know I’d rather walk on my lips than speak negatively about anyone, HOWEVER, what is up with Tins? She looks like a supermodel when she’s interacting with the other girls, but she looks like a mom from Oklahoma in her confessionals. Is it the lighting? Is she a secret smoker? WHAT IS HAPPENING. Who is in charge of these LOOKS and who do I need to have fired? She's giving me Oklahoma I've been cleaning out the garage and we desperately need SPARKLY UPPER WEST SIDE I'VE BEEN COUNTING MY XANAX ALL MORNING REALNESS. Come on, girl. Make me jealous. You're on a TV show.

We discover that Tins is signing her divorce paperwork in Palm Springs THE VERY SAME WEEKEND LUANN IS GETTING MARRIED IN PALM SPRINGS. Did you see that? THE VERY SAME WEEKEND LUANN IS GETTING MARRIED IN PALM SPRINGS. Is this all a set up? Is a producer making this crap happen? Whoever orchestrated that shit needs a raise and like RIGHT NOW. If Tins gets to go to the wedding and the other girls don’t … WHEW LARD.

Apparently once Tins signs the divorce paperwork her record will be clear. Am I the only person who has no idea what happened? Tins doesn’t really say much, though I guess this is only her second or third episode. Maybe she can’t explain too much on camera? Maybe I’m an idiot? I have no idea. All I get is that there was drama. There was jail time. It was bad. I don’t feel like the details have been laid out clearly.

AND OH THERE’S A MUGSHOT. Again. How does this supermodel sometimes look like a tanning booth owner from Tulsa? HOW. How is that even possible.

Whatever. I’m ready for this girl to have new drama ON THIS SHOW. I don’t care about her past. Sorry you had a hard time. NEXT! Let’s live in the NOW, Bravo. I like I think we have to keep her.

NEXT DAY!

There’s a ton of filler here. It’s clear we aren’t going to make it to the election YET AGAIN. So, everyone can unclench their butts. This is a bunch of garbage so next week they can drag us back through the election. Call your doctor and get your Xanax for next week, boo boo. Blah blah blah Dorinda visits John at work. He lost weight, he’s trying to be healthy. He actually looks great. Good for him. Keep him away from the girls.

Bethenny visits Carole and we discover that her pets are all named Baby. SHE HAS TWO CATS AND ONE DOG AND THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME NAME. This is officially the funniest and craziest thing that has ever happened on RHONY. Just kidding. I forgot about that leg from like three seasons ago.

Sonja is dressed and ready for high tea. She’s in her kitchen talking to her assistant. She’s going on and on and on while this 12 year old boy nods in agreement. She found out that Tins met Lu and D for dinner the night before and she is pissed she wasn’t told about it. Tins walks in on the conversation and basically lets Sonja have it. Tins needs all the friends she can get right now and Sonja should be supportive. They argue and then hug it out and move on. I think the lesson here is Sonja is the one to befriend. She's crazy but she gets past drama REAL QUICK. Also? Tinsley Mortimer. Girl. Good job. Welcome aboard.

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