MS. FOURTEEN

Friday night? Deep sigh. Fridays are hard, Ru. GAH.

Alright alright alright (that's Andree 3000, not McConaughey) ... before we get started I need a deep breath moment. It's time to share some feelings. What I'm really tryin' to say is it's time for my confessional, y'all. GET READY. I'm not sure about that first episode. LAST WEEK FELT MESSY AS HELL. I am worried. I am concerned. I am in need of STAR QUALITY SHIT and I did not feel it last week. Perhaps, PERHAPS that is difficult in the first week. Fine. It's also really hard since All Stars was 3 minutes ago. I am watching and waiting for my new Alyssa, Katya, and Alaska to arrive. IT AINT HAPPENED YET. I know. Girl. Calm it. Give it a minute. BUT. These are the thoughts I've been having and I just need to let them out. I'm blaming last week on Gaga Hysteria. I'm gonna breathe, take off my meat dress and have several seats.

Last week ended with Ru wearing a banana suit. Did he not have enough time to change after a taping of Gay for Play? This "all the time dressed as a man" thing must never happen again. No, Ma'am. Momma, I need you in top form. I need that hair and face beat. I need the costumes, the jewels, I NEED GLAMOUR. Pull. It. Togethah. I know. I KNOW. I am working on forgiveness so I'm gonna move on, but ... GIRL.

Banana man ended that first episode by telling us that he was entering a 14th Queen to the competition. WHO IN THE HELL COULD IT BE! Who could possibly be worth all this build up and drama! We came back this week to see Ms. 14.

Cucu.

Yes, Cucu. Ms. Cynthia Lee Fontaine.

RECORD SCRATCH.

who.

Cucu is the 14th queen? Is this a thing I'm supposed to have feelings about? I barely remember this girl. How am I supposed to feel? I can think of some other queens I'd rather see. This season is going to be all about deep yoga breaths. Cucu has had liver cancer since we saw her last. That's terrible and I hate it for her, but she's feeling healthy and she's back. Nobody should get too worried (and they aren't PS by the way), she can't stick around for long. At least we'll have a big personality for a couple of episodes, or if nothing else we'll get a Queen saying CUCU 900 times a minute.

Kimora Blac, who is quickly becoming one of my favorites, gets this moment right by saying, "I've never seen this infamous cucu of yours but I need to see it because if you're gonna keep saying cucu around me, you better make sure yours looks better than mine. GUYS. It can't look better than hers. Kimora is HOT AF as a boy, it's distracting.

Lisa Kudrow enters the work room if for no other reason that to remind me that I DO NOT GET THE COMEBACK. There. I said it. I know people love the show INCLUDING ADRIENNE WHO PROBABLY JUST READ THIS AND FAINTED. Lisa is only there for a couple of minutes. It's kinda weird? She ran into Ru and wanted to come say hello to the ladies. We learn that when Ru enters the work room at the start of each episode and says, "Hello, hello, hello!" it's an homage to Kudrow's Valerie Cherish character.

EYEBALL EMOJI.

Ru wanted to be a cheerleader when he was in high school, so this week's challenge is a cheer battle. GASP. This is going to be fun. It's sorta shocking that they've never done this before. The girls get into two squads. Cucu leads team one and Nina heads up team two. They select their squads one at a time and Valentina is picked last. They're all super bitchy because Valentina ru-vealed last episode that she has only been doing drag for 10 months. Well, time must be moving differently wherever she's from y'all because this girl is CUTE and she's killing it in my opinion.

Nina's team gets right down to the drama immediately. They're learning their cheer in the work room and Alexis gets sssssssssssuper bitchy and fights Jaymes for specific lines. It's fun because it's clear that Alexis wants to win, but quickly turns hilarious when the camera keeps catching her unfortunate bald spot as she throws shade at Jaymes. She's obviously picking at low hanging fruit since Jaymes quickly dissolves and looks defeated and struggles with hitting his mark ... for the rest of the episode

Cucu's team works with Dom (LOLOLOLOLOL) a two time world cheer-leading champion on stunts before they learn their cheer. It's sorta lame because they've got zero drama. BUT WHO EVEN CARES, THIS TEAM IS HOTTT. Can I get a Kimora/Valentina sandwich, pretty please? I can't get past my crush on these two.

We go to commercial break and suddenly I need my soap box again...

GUYS. I AM A GAY WANNA BE NEW YORKER SO OBVI I LOVE WENDY WILLIAMS BUT WHY IS SHE HOSTING THIS SHOW? WHAT IS HAPPENING. Can't we just watch the show? I'm not all that interested in how she feels about the show or any of the queens. SIDEBAR: I love Ross's hair, AND that he's letting it go gray. Also? I love Vh1 and all, and I guess it's exciting for a drag show (a queer show) to be on a major network but ... what ... I miss LOGO and why can't we just have a big queer show on the big queer network and let that be it. Ain't that enough? Maybe Vh1 gets to more people? I don't know. But I want my LOGO situation back. ESPECIALLY if we're going to continue to be subjected to Ms. Wendy.

When we come back the girls do their Ru-tines. It's fun and silly and great, but it's kind hard to tell WTF is going on, because, well, THERE IS A LOT GOING ON. The one thing we can see for sure is that Valentina is KILLING the competition (cartwheels across the room, big teeth, it's amazing) and Jaymes is basically sleep walking his way through this shit. It's like he's trying to be Stifler's mom? He needs to try harder because Jennifer Coolidge is 100% EVERYTHING YOU MIGHT EVER NEED and this half ass BS ain't gonna cut it. FOCUS and TURN IT UP. I was honestly mostly just excited that Charlie didn't break a hip.

Peppermint tells us about being the head cheerleader in high school and getting beaten up by a dude from the basketball team once. It was scary and inspiring and now I love herrrrr. Cucu tells us a little about her cancer scare. It makes me feel a little more sympathy for her so imma turn off my shade BUT I really really really wish she'd stop saying cucu. Like. DAMN. We're getting a little more from the queens, I might be able to calm down and fully enjoy the next episode without my yoga breaths.

PRAISE OPRAH ... RU DOES DRAG.

I got real real scared last week that she wasn't gonna drag it out for us this season. The B-52s are the guest judges. And that skank of a judges table is gone now too. Thank god. I don't wanna see nobody's lower body or feet under a table. That shite was weird. What was happening last week? Was there a problem in the studio? Was the paint not dry? This week we're back to normal and I am loving everything.

The Runway! My favorite part! Category is ... White Party Realness!

Here's what. This season to the asssss season. These booties are fierce y'all. Shea Coulee with her super sexy fem-bot body suit and Valentina and her wedding dress magic are clear standouts, while Kimora Blac's trashy Lycra body suit (THAT ISN'T EVEN ALL WHITE ... WHAT) and Jaymes Mansfield's snoozy wanna be Coolidge situation are a total misses.

Ru told us last week that nobody was going home. I'm happy to learn that was only for that first episode. If I had to sit through this season with these 14 queens and cucu cucu cucu I'd jump in front of a bus. Valentina won this week and clearly deserves it. Jaymes and Kimora are in the bottom and lip sync to Love Shack by the B-52s. These two. Man. I don't know. They're both pretty ... MEH. For a minute I thought maybe they'd both go home. I guess it's too early for that kind of drama, Jaymes gets sent home. I'm not surprised.

I feel a lot better at the end of this episode than I did at the end of last week. I'm definitely blaming Gaga. She's incredible and I love her but last week was all about watching her. Next week we have guest judge Todrick Hall. OMG. I CANNOT WAIT. You know he's going to turn it up.

Until then. Cucu x 94857694835769