YOU GUYS! I have watched every single episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. No, girl, not just this season. I said all. I MEAN ALLLLLL of them. I really think this was the best season ever. I think this cast really works well together. Yes, there are problems. Yes, there are some ladies I like more than others. Yes, Dorito had melted gold foil on her head tonight. BUT ... it works. Remember two seasons ago when we had Joyce flipping her hair and Carlton's tanorexia? Surely you didn't forget about those duds. Despite our problems (SMART ALECK HUSBANDS ... among some other junk) things are good! I love this show. I love it so much and I don't care who knows. I'm gonna be all Rinna and OWN IT.
The episode starts where we left off last week ... at LVP's Diamonds and Rose party. It's pink. It's beautiful. THE BABY HORSES (please we're at LVP's of course there's an animal show) have glittered feet. Every preview we've seen gives us some good screamy nuggets, so we know some shit is going to hit the fan. BUT. Also, I have a calendar and a DVR and the reunion is on next week, so this episode is clearly going to be wall to wall non-stop insanity.
FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS.
Aiiight. Is there Propofol in the water in 90210? SERIOUSLY. The whole season has been about these girls not remembering what they've said! Dorito is doing her sad, wounded bird imitation at LVP. Did she say anything in Mexico that suggested that Rinna was either on drugs or had a drug problem? She simply can't recall.
OHMYGOD. We saw the tape. We have the receipts. PLEASE. STAAAAAHHHHP.
The girls are still arriving for the party. Eileen shows up and hugs LVP hello. It's kinda magic. There's Erika's pink wig again. I know we talked about it last week, but I love it and want to remind you that gay people make everything better. If not for my people this would be a show about talking puddles of melted plastic. There's a lot of interest in Dorito's hair. They're all talking about it, and it's pretty clear they all think she has lost her GD mind. AND THEN ... Rinna has the quote of the century. "It looks like a big gold goose took a big gold shit on Dorit's head."
Then we see Kim Richards. Father God. You know I love everybody (except maybe Dorito and PK) but THIS BITCH LEFT TWO SEASONS AGO WHY CAN'T SHE DISAPPEAR. I know she needs a job because she's a grandma now and she ain't worked since the 1970s but that's because she cray. I am over it. She only shows up to yell at Lisa Rinna and that's not fun anymore. REPEAT: OVER IT.
Speaking of Riri, she's talking to Eden. Riri doesn't trust her, and confronts her and asks why she didn't stand up for her, since it's clear that Eden KNOWS about this Mexican Xanax smoothie festival of drama (this story is so old and tired I tried to make it sound new and fun). Eden gets super uncomfortable and weird. The problem of course is that Eden is super uncomfortable and weird ALWAYS. It's impossible to tell where this is really going. It feels like this whole miscommunication situation might blow up. (LOL OBVI)
LVP gives a speech of thanks to everyone being there to celebrate Pandora and Jason and their new Rose. LOL we're supposed to believe that these two do anything all day other than feed LVP's collection of tiny horses, gold fish, dogs, cats, rabbits, kangaroos, wildebeests and birds.
While LVP is giving her speech and being serenaded by a musician (a musician whose life goal is clearly to get his annoying little mug on #RHOBH) Dorito and Kim chat it up. They're discussing how mean and evil Rinna is. They're talking to each other like old school pals. It's weird. It's difficult to figure out where you're supposed to focus your rage. I swear I'm a lovely and kind person but I want both of them to disappear. Oh, alright. Fine. I have two confessions. ONE: they might be a little right about Riri. She's totally maybe a little bit evil. She does lash out and then apologize. HOWEVER! TWO: I love Riri, and she does totally own her shit (eventually) so I forgive her every time (just like all of you do). She's charming with her wild lips and gossipy mouth. I CAN'T HELP IT.
OMG SUDDENLY THERE'S FOOD AT THE PARTY. Ok. Maybe not. There's caviar. Can we agree that fish eggs aren't really food? Show me cheese, give me a cracker, maybe a complicated dessert. BUT OK. MMMMM. CAVIAR. Everybody say caviar a lot and pass this one plate around. HAHAHAHA ... they're not going to eat. CAVIAR CAVIAR CAVIAR.
DEEP SIGH... Now Kim is talking to LVP and Kyle. These two. They have such a bromance. Let's call them ... RichPump. RichPump wants to know what Kim and Dorito were talking about during the speech, so Kim spills. I mean, please. Twist Kim's arm. She's dying to get a paycheck so she can spend some cash on her grandchild. RINNA IS EVIL AND TERRIBLE AND ETC ETC ETC. I know. Why is this still a thing that Kim needs to discuss. Isn't AA all about forgiveness and moving on? Obviously Dorito got Kim all worked up, so now she's on a mission TO BRING HER DOWN.
Exhausted yet? I just took a Gatorade break.
While this is all going down, Riri says hello to Kim from across the room. She congratulates Kim on her grand baby ... and Kim tells Riri (OUT LOUD LIKE AFIVE YEAR OLD) that they're talking about her (because therapy works, y'all) and suggests that it's negative. Again. Surely this woman isn't THIS insane. Why is she always starting shit.
Emmy Award Winning Actress Eileen Davidson decides she can't take it anymore. She's going to clear the air for everyone. She does like to keep everything nice and orderly. I'm guessing she's still high on the success of her baby friendship with LVP. Everyone comes together under a tree to wrestle. Is there no coach to move these girls around if necessary? We're at this big gorgeous party and we're going to have to stare at the black night sky and NOT a beautifully decorated pink fantasia. STAND IN YOUR LIGHT, LADIES. STAND IN YOUR LIGHT. Everyone is confused why Kim would be weird and start an argument over issues that have nothing to do with her. REMINDER: SHE IS NOT ON THE SHOW. Eileen calls Kyle over and asks her what's happening with Kim. Kyle blames the Riri/Dorito drama, and Eileen reminds Kyle that THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH KIM.
Then Dorito comes over to where Riri and the other ladies are (STILL THIS UGLY AND DARK AREA WITH A DUMB TREE) and it's clear they're going to hash the mess of the season out RIGHT NOW AT THIS ROSE PARTY. Dorito doesn't understand where Riri's attitude in Hong Kong was coming from (she asked if Dorito thinks she can trust her husband) ... and Riri says it comes from your talk in Mexico suggesting I have a Xanax problem. The whole thing is a GIANT GIANT GIANT game of telephone. You said. She said. I heard she said. What a nightmare. It's like watching a tennis match played by incredibly dressed millionaires who have never actually played tennis and know nothing about how to act at a party. Eventually Riri pulls Eden into the mess because that's clearly where Riri heard about the xanax smoothie judgements from in the first place.
There's a lot of loud talking. It must be real weird to be a random guest at this party. Though, I guess not. If I were there I'd be bathing myself in Rose and eating everything in sight. I mean come on ... THESE PEOPLE DON'T EAT there must be a mountain of food somewhere.
There's a lot of back and forth as to whether or not this whole thing is a joke that got out of hand. OH MY LORD. Is this some weird British defense mechanism ... do they teach them this crap in school. When an American gets angry just laugh and talk about your wacky British sense of humor and walk away.
DEAR BRITISH PEOPLE: YOU AIN'T THAT COMPLICATED OR EXCITING. JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY AND KEEP IT MOVING. JK NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND YOU ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A TALKING DONKEY.
It gets super messy and Dorito feels threatened and tells Riri that she's too close and to back up. Rinna doesn't understand why if Dorito has been upset since Hong Kong she hasn't bothered to reach out to make it better. When that doesn't end the conversation as Riri intended she drags Erika into the mess by suddenly talking about how terrible Dorito has been to Erika over panty-gate.
This would be a good place to point out that LVP, Dorito, Kim, and Kyle might be on to something when they talk about Riri's deflecting. She obviously dragged Erika into the fight for no real reason other than to deflect the attention on to someone else. BUT. Riri is entertaining AF. I can't hold anything against her, she's just so GD charming!
As Erika and Dorito begin to talk we can see that PK is watching and slowly making his way over to the group. HUSBANDS SHOULD NEVER GET IN THE LADY DRAMA. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED. Erika is being super civil and calm and tries to explain her point of view. There so much rehashing here that it's maddening. Then it gets SUPER WEIRD as PK gets in the conversation and says some insulting and hurtful mess to Erika. It's almost like he and Riri are the same person. He's lashing out because he's upset that most of the group doesn't care for Dorito. The drama dies down suddenly and Dorito apologizes to Erika and it's believable. Erika wants to start over and try again. HAHAHAHAHA ... Dorito won't be back next season (If there's a God ... PS there is no God) so it doesn't even matter.
Just when you think the drama is done and nothing else can happen we're at a table chillin' with the ladies and Eden begins talking. It's shocking since she hasn't uttered more than 22 words in all the time that we've known her. It's as if she suddenly realizes that the season is over and she has spent most of her time hugging people. REMEMBER THOSE LONG ASS HUGS? Anywho ... Eden starts talking and I'm not entirely sure that it's making any sense. Riri isn't present for her after she gave her so much blah blah blah so many words. SHE IS SCREAMING. She storms out of the party and calls Riri a bitch. Poor thing. I think she's in way over her head. She came on this reality show and thought she could be a normal person. Has she watched this show ever? She didn't realize she had to be bigger than life, or at the very least be careful with what she says and to whom. (Whom? I'm never sure honestly.)
There's was so much back and forth and rehashing and general messy behavior in this episode that I'm feeling stunned. It blows up. It gets quiet. SO QUICKLY. If that wasn't the magic of editing, then it's clear these girls just cranked it up a notch for us. That's fine with me. This season was a great one. This episode was OK. It's no Kyle and Kim limo fight ... whew I needed a xanax after that one. WOW.
Eden Sasoon. Your garden was no paradise and Ms. Dorito you failed to remain crispy and fresh. I'm sorry my dears but you are up for elimination.
Now, both of you, sashay away.