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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WE READ LAMAR'S US WEEKLY INTERVIEW SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

WE READ LAMAR'S US WEEKLY INTERVIEW SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

I HAVE KARDASHIAN FATIGUE. I might be dying. Kim literally has a OB/GYN putting his fingers in her vagina on my TV RIGHT NOW. I don't know what's real anymore. Certainly not Khloe's ass. Is this a koma? I've lost all perspective, BUT I'M STILL NOT AS DELUSIONAL AS LAMAR.

I read Lamar's US Weekly tell-all poolside in Mexico and burst out laughing at the first pull quote, so loudly that a girl swimming by IN A MERMAID TAIL gave me the side eye. Girl, you're in a mermaid tail, I'm reading trash about Lamar Odom, we're all equals here.

The afore mentioned quote:

"Odom (in the Hollywood Hills March 24) has moved on from his marriage. 'I'm too grand of a person,' he tells US, 'I have way too much personality and I'm way too good-looking to worry about one woman.'"

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. WHUT. Too grand of a person, Girl, you almost died in a brothel.

Other highlights:

Lamar is writing an autobiography! Will it be as good as Khloe's Strong Looks Better Naked? It will be hard to beat that nonsensical title, but call me krazy, I think Lamar just might do it.

Khloe knew Lamar did coke in his "man cave" and being on a TV show about his marriage got him laid by a lot of "bitches and THOTs." Kan't lie, had to look up THOTs and really your life will be more hilarious when you read this definition.

Khloe kaught Lamar in a sleazy motel room (his words) getting high with a THOT. WHY WASN'T THIS ON KUWTK??? Are you saying it's not real?? This isn't a documentary? : (

"The only time you can fuck is when you take coke." --Lamar

Lamar says he was not drunk or on drugs the night he had 12 strokes and 2 heart attacks at the brothel. He's the Donald Trump of of US Weekly tell-alls. I ain't dumb, Lamar.

Lamar is a "rebel."

Lamar would like US Weekly to "let all the ladies know how to reach me."

Lamar is looking for someone "who is educated, beautiful inside and out, and maybe even has a good accent. A good spirit, grounded and god-fearing." YES THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE THE GIRL FOR LAMAR. A Swede who goes to church and has a PhD. I bet all the pizza in the world that Lamar's Tinder profile says he's "an entrepreneur living life to the fullest" and he has at least two topless bathroom selfies, one car selfie, and two pictures with Khloe where he's smiling with only one side of his mouth (because he does that).

Lamar with Khloe's old face.

Lamar with Khloe's old face.

Khlo won't talk to Lamar at all. Maybe that's because in his last pull quote he un-ironically describes himself as Lazarus, WHO JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD IN THE GOSPEL OF JOHN. I kannot.

 

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SHIRTLESS OLD MEN DRINKING FROSE

SHIRTLESS OLD MEN DRINKING FROSE

TALKIN' SHIT ABOUT SHIT TOWN

TALKIN' SHIT ABOUT SHIT TOWN