The show starts with us doing the usual check-in with our Charleston friends: Kathryn feeds ducks! Austen cooks eggs in a dirty pan! Landon paints a sheet on the ground? Craig inconveniences Cameran! And our dear Shep does laundry while the girl he sexually disappointed the night before exits his home/life. This woman is lovely but also needs to carry a brush in her purse for future occasions where she’s going to encounter a film crew first thing in the morning. She is also wearing a suede skirt and OMG suede should never be worn that close to the body.
Shep fields a call from his doctor who informs him that his liver has no chill and we all can hear it screaming. Shep’s liver is 6 months away from saying “fuck it”, climbing up his throat and trying to make it alone on the outside. I bet it’d be better at running a bar.
Shep seems to be genuinely concerned by the fact that he’s mortal and I don’t get it – who in the actual world believes that they can drink heavily for 15+ straight years with 0 repercussions? I mean, white privilege is real but it doesn’t prevent liver disease. Can parents of spoiled rich kids start an after-school program where they outline exactly what shit these privileged children cannot actually get away with? Drunk driving – we’ll take care of it, no problem. Cutting off your own hand while blackout drunk because Ronnie dared you – not much we can do about all that.
FINALLY PATRICIA HAS RETURNED HOME. Whitney visits while wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, an Addidas jacket, and tortoise-shell sunglasses and I think the only reason Patricia is allowing such an ensemble on her property is because Whitney emerged from her own vagina. Whit and Pat plan on having a dinner party to try to get Landon and T-Rav together and I’m 100% for this plan because it closes the asshole circle – T-Rav is an asshole, and Landon is an asshole, so together they can do the asshole cha-cha-cha and talk about invisible websites and invisible political careers and how much better they are than everyone else because their progenitors owned slaves and then maybe the combined force of their assholedom will cause T-Rav’s mansion to collapse in on them like a black hole. Fingers crossed!
Cameran is waiting for Craig to show him a home and Craig is late because he’s surrounded by “a million school buses” and then, 45 minutes later, finally shows up. He jumps out of his car and shows Cammie a receipt of a purchase that’s time-stamped to prove that he did leave to meet her an hour ago and getting stuck in traffic wasn’t his fault and no one can ever be mad at him for any reason because he is the absolute best.
Craig looks at the house and can’t believe it has a popcorn ceiling and a bathroom off of the hallway and a room with a wall. He says he can't have this lovely home in his portfolio because if he did then people would realize that he’s an empty shell of a man with nothing going for him. Craig is also upset that Naomie mentioned her unhappiness to Cameran. He says, “In a perfect world I wouldn’t do anything other than study for the bar for Naomie’s happiness. But I don’t want to resent her.” And then Cammie gets real like, “Bitch you think I want to be preggers? And you think my husband wants my ass hanging out with Shep’s toxic dick on TV all the time? Not at all, but we both put up each other’s shit because we’re married and being married sucks and you gotta step into the suck too, son.” I’m a fan of angry Cammie.
Kathryn and a contour that could cut you calls Shep because he’s one of the few cast members who doesn’t have a restraining order against her. Shep invites himself to her yoga class because one yoga class undoes decades of binge drinking – that’s why yoga is so popular.
Cammie and her fucking horrifying doll go out to eat and a restaurant where the ghost of a dog and the ghost of a woman haunt the appetizers and the waiter serves ginger colonel sanders in a wet shirt realness. Shep reads Cameran’s obsession with these dolls perfectly - ”She’s married and she’s bored and she has to believe in something.” First true thing you’ve said, Shep. Shep tells Cameran that he hasn’t drank in like 24 whole hours and now his life is completely different. I mean, that’s the essence of AA, right? Just not drinking for an arbitrary length of time to prove to yourself you can do it and therefore have no underlying issues fueling your addiction? Cammie says that she thinks that Shep only parties so much because he’s bored . So there we have it – two bored people eating lunch with their dolls. Cammie tells Shep that once he decides to fall in love with Chelsea he should place his John Malkovich-looking love doll on her front porch and pray she doesn’t call the cops. And then we see a floppy doll penis.
Patricia’s dinner party features lettuce plates and it’s the first time I’ve ever parted ways with Patricia – those plates are bad and she should feel bad. The party entails: lettuce plates (UGH), a ceramic lettuce head centerpiece (WORSE), Patricia’s fancy caftan (yes please), lettuce wedge salad (so out it’s in?), monkey place cards (want) and Costco liquor (have).
Naomie comes home and finds that Craig is embroidering their nice pillow cases with an image of their cat that doesn’t even really look like their cat. She watches the embroidery process and realizes, “Wait, you don’t even do it yourself?” because the sewing machine is clearly embroidering based on a pre-set program. Naomie - this is the whole point. Your boyfriend, who you love, is a sack of shit who does nothing and then makes you feel bad when you mention the fact that he’s a drain on you/society/your cat/the South Carolina Bar Association/his parents/the Bravo producers/sewing. Naomie asks, “What have you been doing all day?” and Craig responds, “I potentially bought a house today,” and they can’t even look at each other they are so angry. Craig says that he doesn’t think that Naomie is ride or die and, I mean, ride or die is a romantic notion but also completely unreasonable. Like, you would rather your girlfriend die than disagree with you? That is INSANE. I don’t want ride or die anything – this is your boring ass life, not a military operation, and dissent is to be expected. Especially when you’re fucking all the way up.
DINNER PARTY TIME. Patricia shows her guests the real reason for this party – so she can show off her new her turtle bell. Now the lettuce plates make so much more sense! Over dinner, Thomas discloses what he wants in a woman: someone with a vag who is allowed on a plane who has, at some point, received payment for services rendered. The group asks Landon why she’s dating a lump of cottage cheese and she says that it’s because it’s safe because cottage cheese won’t think to ask why her website still isn’t live. And then Whitney brings up having a prenup and Landon claps her hands with glee and says, “I love playing this game!” What the fuck is this game? Ex-husband planning?
Kathryn got the memo about this episode and is wearing lettuce pants to yoga. Her contour is out scoring a dime bag so we actually get to see her face for once. Shep is the only boy in the yoga class and is low key dying the entire time. Masculinity is a prison, ya’ll.
Austen meets his parents for dinner, and his parents are livid that he’s gainfully employed and making less than 200K a year. They ask Austen why he isn’t opening a business and he says, “I literally have nothing of any value to offer anyone,” but his parents push him and demand to see a business plan ASAP. They heavily imply that they will bankroll any venture that Austen can commit himself to scribbling down on a cocktail napkin. Austen, free business idea - an app that tracks Shep’s poison dick so you can be sure to not go to the same bar as him.
We are whisked away to Jennifer’s Sip and See, which is a party where “You get drunk and hold the baby,” which is so southern. When I had a newborn I kept everyone the fuck away from my house because it was all using-a-breast-pump-while-crying up in there.
LANDON IS WEARING A LETTUCE DRESS YOU GUYS. That’s it – lettuce is now hot. Update your Pinterest accordingly. Thomas comments that she looks, “Like a million bucks from back when a million bucks meant something,” and when does that revolution start? Can we make it now?
Naomie arrives on her own since she left Craig at home because he is slow and they are fighting and fuck that guy. Craig shows up late and alone and pissy and gets pissier when he realizes that Naomie is discussing why he’s the worst with Shep and Cameran. This devolves into the two of them doing that horrific thing that your parents did just before their divorce where they’re both talking to a perfectly nice third person who has nothing to do with their bullshit , in this case Jennifer’s mom, and they start not only fighting in front of her, but using her as a key tool in their fight. Like, “This is my boyfriend Craig, he’s the goddamn worst and he calls me dumb all of the time even though it’s never been proven that he can read,” and “Nice to meet you! My girlfriend, Naomie, doesn’t support my clothing line at all and I don’t know why I ever stopped having sex with 21 year olds.” Jennifer’s mom is like, “I don’t know you two but you seem great and I need to go and make sure that we never speak again,” and trots off as fast as her high heels can carry her.
Naomie leaves the party by herself and Craig moans, “I’m literally dating a teenage girl.” And then Whitney, sporting a purple blazer of unexpected reason, tells Craig, “You seem inappropriately angry,” but Craig shrugs off the comment. Who will win this fight? Will Craig admit that he is the fucking worst? Will Naomie realize that there are literally billions of men in the world who are not Craig? Will they break up and spare us this demonstration in what conflict resolution is not? Probably not.