Oh, my dear sweet little squirrel friends. DEEP SIGH. I don't know about you, but for weeks and weeks I've been whining and lamenting about this season. Where is the drama? Where is my scandal? Surely there are huddled masses of charisma uniqueness nerve and talent yearning to break free. Somewhere? HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY. HEREEEE KITTYYYY. WHERE ARE THEY. Well, baby girl. Be careful what you wish for. Drama Club met for the first time last night. It wasn't the drama I was looking for, and it certainly wasn't coming from any of the directions I expected ... but Girl Friend ... it showed up ... and it was a hot mess.
First off? Can you believe that mess from last week? Each of these more difficult challenges really do clean house, and last week's roast of Michelle was no exception. BYE FARRAH. Don't let the door hit your cry baby ass on the way back to the nursery. These girls are a lot of things, but maybe hilarious isn't one of them. The highlights review of last week's episode at the top of the show got me anxious again. I don't know if there's anything worse than watching jokes bomb. IT WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I still do not understand why Alexis was green. Do you? AND DO NOT tell me that was some sort of Wicked reference. Bitch, I basically invented being a Broadway Show Queen and if that was an Elphaba reference somebody needs to send that girl back to Shubert Alley to TRY AGAIN. Nope. Not having it. I need an apology. Just kidding, Alexis talks too much it'll take her all damned day and I AM BUSY TODAY (the rest of my life).
Ru saves us from more Roast tragedy by bursting into the work room looking like a Vera Bradley gay fantasia. Who is making these suits? No seriously? Somebody write me and let me know. I'm not being hateful or the least bit shady. I need a new summer look. Though, I'm guessing my broke ass can't afford whatever magic fun house made this pink situation. This is wearable gay wallpaper at its finest. I AM HERE FOR IT. Maybe I'll get a kickstarter?
This week is the TV Pilot challenge. It makes me long for last year's hilarious turn from Bob. Remember that body suit made entirely from glitter and that giant white fur? The queens are separated into three groups. We have Sasha and Shea on one team, Peppermint, Alexis, & Trinity on another and then Nina and Valentina. Group work always sounds like a good idea, but it never turns out great ... especially on reality TV shows.
The girls get to work right away.
Sasha & Shea work well together. They're cute AF and have this silly Blacksploitation/Russian Spy thing going on? These queens are two of my faves, and they really commit to making it work and do a nice job. I don't have a lot to say here. I love them both and they turn it out for this challenge. It's not life changing, but they make it work.
Peppermint, Alexis, & Trinity have a bit of a bumpy start ... mostly because Alexis is in crisis mode from BOMBING TF out of the roast last week. This green bitch loves to get bossy and decide she wants to do something someone else has already claimed. SHUSH YA MOUTH FOR A MINUTE GIRL AND DO YO JOB. Their concept is basically ... moms with gay sons get schooled by a nun realness. It's cute maybe? MAYBE. Trinity really kills this one with her scene stealing nun. Peppermint's mom is cute and funny and smart, while Alexis struggles to stand out from the group. This makes me wonder about Alexis. This is the second week in a row where she finds herself in the middle of a challenge that she should be KILLING. Instead? HOT MESSY MESS. Overall? They do an OK job. Their show is not great but sorta works.
Nina & Valentina end up as partners by accident. Everyone gets away from Nina as soon as the challenge is announced because she has been a MOOOOOOOODYYYYY BITCH. We see clips of her backstage thinking everyone is talking about her and assuming that there's some sort of conspiracy against her. Poor Valentina doesn't move quick enough and gets stuck with Nina. Poor thing. They struggle to come up with an idea and decide to not have a solid script for their show. The idea isn't all that bad. They're both prostitutes who decide to climb up from their situation by being contestants on Ru Paul's Drag Race. Sounds funny, right? IT IS. Except they don't have a script and basically struggle their way through their taping. LIFE LESSON: YOU CAN BE THE MOST TALENTED AND INCREDIBLE PERSON WITH THE BEST IDEAS THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN BUT IF YOU DON'T PUT IN THE WORK YOUR SHIT IS GOING TO FAIL.
YOU BETTA WORK MF. That's all I have to say about that.
Sasha, ever the drag historian, gives us a class in Club Kid and what that means. We didn't have any teachable moments in the work room this week, so this is our "After School Special" for the episode. Y'all have google. Look that shit up. Club Kid Looks. Blah blah blah ... it expands what it means to do drag and changed he art form forever.
The runway is pretty cool. It's the most inspired the girls have been possibly all season. There are A LOT of really great looks. Everyone is serving high art. The only exceptions to this are probably Nina, Alexis, and Valentina.
Nina's makeup is some sort of Skeletor situation, which looks cool, but then she's drawn a heart and a rib cage on her chest that isn't amazing and she's wearing a tutu. Like. That's it. That's all you got? Alexis also spent a lot of time on her makeup but the over all look is a dud. Her face is a 10 but then she's wearing some sort of lace body suit thing with a corset. GIVE ME 100% all over drag, y'all. COMEEE ONNNNN. Valentina is basically dressed like a bull fighter? It's super red and her face is covered? It doesn't read as club kid AT ALL.
Sasha and Shea win the challenge because YEAH DUDE OF COURSE WHO DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE. There's a HIGH HIGH HIGH ASS DRAMA CLUB meeting on the runway because Alexis is feeling delicate that she's about to find her ass in the bottom again. She throws her team under the buss a little and tries to blame them for her poor performance. Peppermint (OH MY GOD THIS GIRL IS FINALLY AWAKE ... WHEN WILL SHE SHOW UP FOR AN ENTIRE EPISODE) lets her have it as she should. Bottom line? Alexis talks to much and makes excuses and I'm ready for her to hit the yellow brick road. Valentina and Nina end up in the bottom.
Blessed Lord Jesus hold my heart. Dios Mio!
The song starts and the two are doin' alright. Valentina still has her face covered with the mask from her runway look. The camera keeps flashing between the lip sync and the judges table. Back and forth and back and forth. All of America is dizzy with a definite case of vertigo. Ru does something she ain't never did. She stops the lip sync and tells Valentina to remove the mask.
VALENTINA SAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO.
I almost broke into my TV and slapped the shit out of this kid for disrespecting THE QUEEN. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Young people. WHEW LORD. She finally agrees. They start the music again and we see why she didn't want to remove the mask. THIS GIRL DID NOT KNOW THE WORDS TO THE SONG. GIRL. WHAT. It's like Charlie Hides ALL OVER AGAIN. Was Valentina asleep that episode? At least she moves around a little? Nina is sorta trying? The whole thing is so lame and it's hard to not break things. Again. How can you not be prepared for lip syncing? How? Ru says exactly what we're all thinking, "I thought you had what it takes to go all the way ... now sashay away."
What is even gonna happen now? I feel like the season is DONEZO.
I AM SHOOK.