Here's a thing to know about the ladies of NYC. If you want to unite these girls start talking about LuAnn. Nothing makes these ladies rally and come together like dirt on the Countess. They cannot get enough of Lu, but if you throw Tom in the mix THESE BITCHES LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS. Listen, I love LuAnn as much as the next homo. Nobody can wear a statement necklace or Mom Hair like Ms. De Lesseps, but I’m drawing a line in the glitter, honey. THIS SHIT IS BORING. Is this all we're gonna get for the rest of the season? Just some back and forth and big crazy eyes about text messages and talk of this dude's magic wang and LuAnn's blind ass? WE ALREADY KNOW THEY GET MARRIED BECAUSE OPRAH INVENTED THE INTERNET FOR US SO THIS IS OLD NEWS DUDES. UGH. I need glamour. I need dancing on the tables. I need a carefully orchestrated fight about the dry cleaning guy. WTF.
OH ALRIGHT FINE. I'll wade through these gossipy waters, but I am going to be a real crabby BITCH about it. Here goes...
Sometimes I watch an episode of The Real Housewives (of any city) and I think, MOMMA WAS WRONG, HIGH SCHOOL IS FOREVER. This week’s episode was definitely proof that growing up is complicated and apparently NEVER ENDING. Whew. I had to put my pinot grigio down more than once so I could shake my fists and yell at my TV. It makes me think we’re never gonna be grown ups! NEVER. NEVER EVER.
The episode begins with Lu and Tom walking through Central Park. They chatter their damned teeth out and remind us every other 3 seconds that they’re about to get married. OMG I have to remember to say WE omg I have to say OUR omg We omg OUR omg OUR dining room and OUR wedding gifts. OMG We’re walking OUR dog and OMG you’re feeding me and making me fat and OMG you look so good in running shorts.
SNORING NOISES. This seriously cannot be happening.The thing is … ALL OF THESE LADIES ARE TALKING ABOUT IT. So like ... I guess it's a big deal. Carole is a serious journalist, so if she wants to say this is news I GOT MY NOSE ON MY TV.
Ramona visits Carole. RECORD SCRATCH. Yeah. You know it's getting deep when these two are hanging out on Carole's raggedy ass couch. Ramona calls Carole and comes over AND I AM SHOOK. They immediately chat about Dorinda’s fundraising party. Carole tells Ramona that she thought Tom was super excited about the wedding, but Lu didn’t say much about it at all. Carole isn’t sure if LuAnn is having second thoughts or normal wedding jitters, but she thinks the group should have a sit down talk about the whole thing with Lu. It’s obvious to Carole that Lu is about to make the biggest mistake of her life.
While this is going on Dorinda is at her place in the Berkshires making it nice for the weekend. She’s decorating and baking cookies (they’re store bought cookies but whatevs nobody has to know). She’s decided to slow the drama this year by having the ladies arrive in separate shifts. Girlfriend is a genius. DO WHAT SHE SAYS.
The first to arrive at D's place in the Berkshires is of course Sonja and Ramona. I’m guessing they need time to let their Xanax kick in before other people can be lowered into the cage. They have lunch and gossip about Tinsley and how she and Sonja are doing living together. Sonja complains about how Tins isn’t doing enough around the house to thank her? I don’t get it, but OK girl. They help D decorate bit as they wait for Tins who arrives later that night.
The next day Carole and Bethenny arrive looking like a couple of vampire super models. There’s dark glasses and fur everywhere. It’s kinda hilarious, except I love these two. They immediately jump in to gossiping about Tom and LuAnn. Bethenny apparently has proof from the same person who sent her texts last year that Tom has been fucking around with an ex-girlfriend. Bethenny decides she’s giving the information to Dorinda and letting her be in charge of what to do with it. She doesn’t want to be the person who drops the bomb like last time.
All of the girls meet up for lunch and hang out and … SURPRISE SURPRISE gossip about Lu and Tom. Everyone gives Dorinda all of the info they have. It’s so exhausting. GUYS. Nothing is happening. This is one of those weird build up episodes where you’re just building up tension so you're basically writhing in anxiety while eating an entire ham. YET. NOTHING IS REALLY HAPPENING. I spend this time waiting for them to swing the camera around so I can get a good look at D’s furniture. This house is crazy incredible. Maybe she needs a pool boy? I do look good in short shorts.
It’s D’s birthday. She’s clearly not in the mood for all of this BS, but she decides to take on the Lu situation. She thinks the whole thing is a bunch of messy info taken out of context and she can’t really understand how Tom even has this kind of time on his hands. She’s right. WHO HAS THIS MUCH SEX? Who can find the time for all this fucking around? GAH. ALSO? Doesn't this man have a job? He looks important and like he's not skipping meals, so when is he slingin' this diamond D around, ya know? Dorinda decides she’s going to have a conversation with Lu that evening when she arrives so she can get right back in her car and go home if she doesn't want to deal with the other ladies and all the chat.
LuAnn arrives and the ladies are decorating cookies and being festive. Everyone is clearly nervous and trying to act normal. They ask a few questions about the wedding, which excited LuAnn. I’m not exactly sure what she’s expecting. She only invited Dorinda to the wedding, why would she think the girls would be excited to ask her anything?
Dorinda gets right down to business and has a come to Jesus meeting with LuAnn. D tells her that there’s a lot of gossip flying around, and how in light of last season’s drama she wants to be the person that comes to her with all the info. D asks Lu the big question … DO YOU TRUST TOM.
Lu says she feels good and she’s happy and she trusts him. She’s aware of his past girlfriends, and doesn’t care what the other women have say about any of it. Dorinda asks LuAnn to promise her that she’s happy and not going through with the wedding out of a sense duty. Lu says she’s happy and can’t believe the girls are still talking about all the fake news.
...and then Ramona walks in the room with a glass of wine...
TO BE CONTINUED.