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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SURPRISE, BITCH (RHONY RECAP)

SURPRISE, BITCH (RHONY RECAP)

GREAT. At long last an episode of TV where I get to relive the horrors of THE ORANGE ASSHOLE winning the election. GAH. There have been so many promos for this mess. I was sure I was going to be strong enough to relax on my couch like the aging Hollywood Starlet I am. GIRL. Let me tell you something. I AM NOT OVER IT. I might have PTSMFD. The only good news is that it'll be over in an hour.

DEEP BREATH.

We start off with flashes of the city mixed with election signs. I think this is BRAVO's way of easing us into election night. At least they're not showing us a ticking clock, which is exactly what I start to hear the minute the episode starts. Lord. I might need to seek professional help. Carole is in the car with her mom. Weird. I always assumed Carole was an angel sent straight from Kennedy Heaven. SHE HAS A MOTHER YOU GUYS.

Carole is wearing a coat that might actually be made from the hide of a long lost Muppet. It's a coat with the skin of a blue version of Elmo on the inside? If anyone but Carole were wearing this I would have far shadier things to say about this coat. Instead? I'm going to make it about her being a Democrat and blow air kisses at my TV.

My girl is driving to Pennsylvania to go canvasing for Hillary. They're bickering back and forth like a couple of old Jewish ladies and by the time you're reading this Netflix has surely offered them a sitcom deal. This is the first time Carole has driven in a long while and she's asking all sorts of idiotic questions and pushing buttons and clicking levers while driving to make her mother crazy. It's adorable. 

YES, BITCH. I love Carole. WHAT DO YOU WANT.

Once they arrive there's a whole parallel parking scene. Carole is clearly showing off for us here. She does a great job and they go into a campaign office to get their canvasing assignment. They walk all over whatever town this is and they're fun and cute and the bickering is incredible. HONESTLY. They need their own show.

AND POOF ... we're in a plastic surgeon's office with Ramona. They don't tell us we're in a plastic surgeon's office at first, and I had a little bit of anxiety about it until I look around at all of the doctors and nurses. They all have that super surprised look on their faces. Ramona is getting her face lasered because it's her 60th birthday and she can do what she wants GOD DAMNIT.

The doctor looks CRAZY. This woman could be 900 years old for all you know. Her skin is fresh, pulled tight, and Botoxed within an inch of its life. She slathers lotion or coconut oil ... LOLOLOLOL ... no ... this is clearly Crisco ... all over Ramona's face. I'm guessing this is to keep Ramona's skin safe from the beating it's about to take? This is terrifying. It's for real like watching a horror movie. The doctor gives Ramona a shot to keep her calm, and then gives her shots IN HER FACE ... AND THEN ONE IN HER MOUTH ... to deaden her skin for the treatment. Shouldn't shots be gentle? This doctor is slamming the needles into Ramona's face and I'm SCREAMING. 

Ramona says, "I know my age and I look in the mirror and see someone 15 years younger." OK, Girl. YOU GO. I suppose if I were rich I'd have my old ass skin burnt off of my face too, but this looks INSANE. They turn on the magic laser machine and it sounds like a vacuum cleaner. Ramona has sunglasses covering her eyes, like the weirdo ones that are used in tanning beds and they laser the shit out of her face. They show A LOT of the process. It's super intense. When she’s done … her face is so red it looks like she actually visited the hot hot surface of the SUN. SO RED. Never get old you guys unless you're a millionaire. 

BLOOP. We're back with Carole and her Mom. THANK GOD. I was about to have a panic attack. Carole and her mom are going to a cute cafe to eat dinner. I HOPE WE SEE THEM EAT ACTUAL FOOD. Here's a thing to notice on this show and other Housewife shows ... YOU NEVER SEE THESE BITCHES EAT. Watch for it. Seriously. It does not happen. They sip water and Carole tells her mom about Adam (Carole's boyfriend). She explains that she and Adam are shacking up ... NOT LIVING TOGETHER, MOM, GAHHH. Carole is in her 50s, she's been dating this HOT ASS dude for a couple years, and she has yet to introduce him to her parents. It makes me laugh. FIFTY YEAR OLDS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US. We never see them eat.

Sonja goes to dinner with some dude with an accent. They've been seeing each other on and off for a while. She tells us in a confessional that she's dating two dudes. One dude she calls Frenchie, who looks young, and then this dinner date guy. She tells us that she's fucking Frenchie, but not fucking this dude, because there are dudes you fuck and then there are dudes you might marry. You need to hold off for the marrying guys because ... I don't know it's Sonja math. She's obviously way way too hot and smart to be with this dude. 

Dorinda and LuAnn are shopping. Lu got Tom a wedding gift? Wait. Is this a thing that you're supposed to do for your spouse? I don't understand. A WEDDING GIFT. AREN'T WEDDINGS EXPENSIVE ENOUGH. THE WORLD IS GARBAGE. Lu bought Tom a Rolex. A ROLEX. Is that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? They stop so Lu can google the Rolex she got Tom and when it comes up on her phone we see that Lu's phone screen is totally busted. I hope Tom is getting Lu a new iPhone because WHY IS THIS BITCH WALKING AROUND BUYING A ROLEX BUT HAS AN UGLY ASS PHONE. Pull it together. GAH.

Dorinda tells us all about the surprise party she's throwing for Ramona. There are two invitations. There's a fake invite that was sent out to everyone ... INCLUDING RAMONA ... that's for a cocktail party to introduce Ramona to dudes and then there's an actual invite to a giant surprise party. That's A LOT of work, but D knows what's up. She's the smartest. You've got to really work your shit out to hide something from Ramona. 

We flash to Carole's election party. 

HOLD ME.

Carole looks amazing. She’s wearing red gloves. Her hot ass boyfriend is in a turtleneck. They're so dreamy I can barely stand it. Carole gives us a monologue about how she's so excited to have this be the last night she has to yell at DT on her TV. Oh, Carole. If only.

Bethenny meets up with friends before the election party. She's bringing a group of girls to Carole's party. She makes a crack about how most of the girls are voting for "who Carole is voting for." The bitch doesn't even say Hillary's name. IS SHE A TRUMP SUPPORTER? Lord. Maybe she's trying to avoid revealing her political views. Why do people do that? Who even cares. ESPECIALLY IN THIS CASE. IDGAF who Bethenny is voting for, except that now I really do want to knock over all the bottles of Skinny Girl Margaritas the next time I'm in Jewel.

EVERYONE is talking about how historic the night is going to be, and they begin to arrive at the election party. It's not going as well as Carole had hoped. They're all nervous. GAH. This is too real. Bethenny comes in yelling (because her voice doesn't do low volume) asking Carole if she's freaking out. I can't help myself I love Bethenny, but REALLY GIRL. Be nice. Bethenny tells Carole that she's not going to Ramona's birthday party because she's done with Ramona and she doesn't do fake shit. MKAY GIRL MKAY.

Maps keep flashing up. It becomes clear what's happening and then one by one everyone leaves. Carole is obviously devastated.

NEXT DAY.

Carole is on the phone with her mom. She reads her the toast she wrote to celebrate Hillary's win. It's pretty great. She cries. I cry. Everything is terrible. 

Then suddenly Ramona is shopping with Carole. LOLOLOL THIS IS SO WEIRD I HAVE TO POUR MYSELF A BOTTLE OF ROSE. They start talking about the "cocktail party" and Carole is CLEARLY in a crazy place because she says, "I'm so glad you brought the party up because I thought it was a surprise." She realizes pretty quickly that she effed up and stops talking to cover herself. It's hilarious, especially since Ramona goes right on talking and doesn't understand that the surprise was just ruined.

That night Ramona is getting ready for the party. She has double booked herself. She has this cocktail party with D and then she's got a hot date. She gets tired of waiting because, well, YOU'VE MET RAMONA. D was planning on coming to pick her up, but Ramona can't take the waiting anymore because she's worried about her date so she gets in a cab. D calls the party to warn everyone that Ramona might show up, but also Ramona is RAMONA so she might not show up. The girls all arrive one by one and wait for Ramona. There are 250 people at this event. It's so cute and nice and I LOVE DORINDA.

The elevator opens and it's Ramona. They all scream surprise. Ramona is shocked. She falls down and cries and gets on the floor. It’s adorable. She had no idea. She clearly didn’t listen to a word Carole said earlier in the day, which is totally hilarious.

Wow. The party gives me hope that the world isn't over and isn't a terrible place. Well, if you have a Dorinda. <3 <3 <3

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