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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

I THINK YOU MEAN 9-0-2-1-HEAUX (RPDR EP. 7 RECAP)

I THINK YOU MEAN 9-0-2-1-HEAUX (RPDR EP. 7 RECAP)

As I sit in a Chili's eating chips and queso and spilling boneless buffalo wings all over my keyboard, Cece's "Finally" comes on the speakers and this perfect moment of kismet transports me right back to last night's lip sync where a Jellicle cat and an underdog took it to the streets to fight it out for a spot in the competition.

Sort of. 

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start here, with a producer manipulation conspiracy theory. You cannot tell me these post-elimination-Aja-make-up-close-ups are not SABOTAGE.

Holy hell.

Holy hell.

Call 911!

Call 911!

Aja. Has. The. Worst. Paint. In. All. Of. Drag. Race. Herstory.

Aja. Has. The. Worst. Paint. In. All. Of. Drag. Race. Herstory.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? I mean besides that Aja's paint is a mess. The producers and Shea already told us this a few episodes ago, but Jesus, Aja LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HER INSTAGRAM and these damn producers want to make sure we know it. And I'm just starting to feel bad for everyone involved. Why isn't anyone helping her??? I mean Naomi Smalls and the Season 8 queens tried to help Derrick Berry with her paint when it became clear bitch couldn't lift a brow! Sasha seems to know what she's doing with the makeup, why aren't you helping a bitch during the PSA makeup hour, Sasha???

Anywhoozie, it's finally time for the ACTING CHALLENGE! I'm not sure any acting challenge can beat Bob's Cookie in RuCo's Empire

but I'm still willing to watch because Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth are here, y'all! These are the exact right kind of B-crowd celebrity guest judges that this show was built on, so I'm feeling hopeful (but still sort of missing Eureka, you?)

Broadway Alexis is beside herself about this challenge because SHE LOVES 90210 and starts telling everyone what to do. This is the first time I notice her titling claims she's 32 years old and I sincerely cannot believe this.

Peppy with the heart of gold tries to hand out the roles democratically. Nina gets the role she wants, thank god! We're saved from another episode of this

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OR ARE WE??????????

But for the moment it's Aja who's going to act like a little bitch. She gets all whiney and petulant and demands a smoke break until--

Alexis: Girl, you got to grow up and accept the challenge.
Aja: I don’t have to!

This is the point in my life where I turn around real slowly and look at my 8 year old with squinty eyes and say, What are the words coming outta that mouth?

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHAT THE HELL DO THEY EXPECT? It's a fucking competition, dummies! Any real drag race star is taking whatever part she's given and serving the hell out of it. I know I say this every week but Alaska, Bob, Katya, Detox, Jinkx, ALYSSA would just wipe the floor with these queens. And yes, everyone's on a spectrum of development, I get it. But maybe World of Wonder is too hungry for $$$ and casting people who aren't ready and then not developing them enough when they're actually there. These moments of "drama" aren't so much "dramatic" as just naked word-vomit-insecurity and for die hard fans, it's more annoying than interesting. It's like the difference between seeing Beyonce at Soldier Field or attending your niece's talent show to watch her sing Halo. IT'S A BIG CRINGE, Y'ALL.

Anyway, Shea is a peacemaker and says she'll swap because she's confident enough in her talent to do whatever and genuinely a sweet person. Aja then does that awful thing where when people address her concerns and drama she tries to beg off and say it's all "fine." Gross. I think my 8 year old handles disappointment better than this. And he wore an eye patch to school this week for shits and giggles so #winning.

TIME TO SHOOT #9021Heaux

First of all, Jennie Garth's wearing a switch and I'm SO EXCITED because any day I get to make an Auntie Mame reference is a GOOD DAY!

“I know! A switch A switch! Veeeeeeer-ahhhhhh!”

“I know! A switch A switch! Veeeeeeer-ahhhhhh!”

Tori and Jennie start off by pretending to fight, but really they're just showing off their acting skillz! Too bad Shea Coulee is the one who deserves the Oscar for her look of surprised appreciation.

Jennie gives Nina a lot of notes and Nina acts like such a bitch that Tori says to Jennie, “She hates you.” WTF, THEY ARE GUESTS IN THIS HOUSE, NINA. This, again, is not a good look for Nina. 

Valentina is beautiful... and funny! Farrah just continues to be Farrah. Sorta likable and sorta nonexistent. Trinity from Orlando rolls in all Jennifer Coolidge and it's right in her trashy oeuvre. Aja and Peppy kiss-–Aja shoves her tongue down Peppy's throat with the vigor of a person who knows they are absolutely drowning in this challenge. It's embarrassing for everyone. To make matters worse, in the Draguation scene, Aja's makeup is again a wreck, it looks like she has black shit all over her lip.

TIME TO GET READY AND

Cancer sucks and I don't want anyone to have it. But I also don't really want to talk about it while I'm eating hot wings and homemade Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits and trying to enjoy my Friday night. Maybe I could handle this on a Tuesday, but these PSAs ARE TOO MUCH. But Aja does tell Sasha she conducts pyschic readings so Sasha can commune with her mother and I'm glad Aja has a Plan B.

THE BIG HAIR RUNWAY

Valentina: Probably her worst lewk to date but she's still pretty cute AF.

Farrah: This whole look just seems to dwarf her, everything seems oversized, like she’s a child putting on her mama’s showgirl dress from 1993.

Trinity from Orlando: There’s tacky in a good way (Alaska dragging a bag of trash down the runway) and then there's Trinity tacky where she’s carrying around the lycra blacklit wings of her pants like what. 

Sasha: Starting to look like a contender! Her punk lewk is great and a much needed break from the other giant hair lewks (if she doesn't say so herself).

Peppy: I think this is the best she’s ever looked? It's the most complete drag we've seen from her.

Nina Bonina Brown: She's a goddamned banjee Jellicle cat at a Real Housewives of Atlanta Halloween party. You guys, CATS was first performed the year i was born, THIRTY SEVEN YEARS AGO. This isn't some sort of earth shattering concept here.

Shea: Banjee is the word of the season and sorry for Nina, Shea is the one doing it right. She's again serving from the Miley Cyrus Collection but she’s so cute and fun and is that a slurpee? LOVE.

Alexis: It’s ok. It doesn’t feel super modern and when she compares herself to Helena Bonham Carter I’m like, mistake! Because all I’m picturing now is Belatrix Lestrange who did this lewk so. much. better.

Aja: Finally has a good outfit! Will it save her? Not to belabor the point, but this is like Aja doing Detox, and Detox would've done it better. 

The 9021Heaux sketches are pretty cute, complete with a lot of good call backs for 90210 fans, like the Adam's Apple standing in for the Peach Pit. The judges throw a lot of shade at Sasha and I think she’s pretty hilarious in her own whacked out way. No one even comments on how perfectly low her tits are. She doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom three with Nina and Aja who are both terrible. Trinity also takes the win over Shea which I cannot get behind.

But Tori and Jennie really pull their weight on panel, throwing shade at Tiffani Amber Thiessen which made the news on People.com this morning, and also this exchange:

Tori: We couldn’t tell if she (Nina) was angry when we were giving direction.
Ru: Trust me, she was angry.

Which is why the outcome of this damn lip sync makes no damn sense! Nina’s bad attitude seeps through her lip sync; it’s real low energy, even her floppy titties are just sort of sad. I don’t love Aja but at least she’s bringing some energy and having fun and does a flip and splits. 

I cannot believe Ru chose Nina over Aja. I really can’t. I mean send them both home then, I don't think anybody is in this for a redemption story for Nina.

Aja says she’s learned this show is harder than you think. No shit.

 

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KINK 101 WITH DOMME SOPHIA CHASE

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SURPRISE, BITCH (RHONY RECAP)

SURPRISE, BITCH (RHONY RECAP)