#CONSENT (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)

Before we get started, if you don’t think that someone grabbing someone else and lunging at them for a kiss, being told to stop, and then immediately doing it again is not a form of sexual assault then you should stop reading and also we are in a fight. 

Shep cleans up his house from the frat party that was held there the night before totally against his will while he was present and drunk and also throwing the party. He yells at the beer cans and cigarette butts and they just stare at him like, “Dude, you bought us.” 

T-Rav meets JD at his restaurant and I feel like it’s the morning but JD is drinking a full on bourbon because it’s after 9AM and what is he, a farmer? They talk about how things are going with T-Rav and Landon and then we cut to a scene where Landon tries to get T-Rav to read her poetry and thank gawd he declines because I’m sure his intonation would have been for shit.

JD predicts that Kathryn is going to find out that T-Rav is dating Landon and then will kill a rabbit a la Fatal Attraction and, you know, Kathryn is not Glenn Close in the 80’s basic bitch crazy. She is brand new millennial pink crazy and when she finds out that T-Rav and Landon are dating she’s going to be way more inventive then that – she’s going to steal a speed boat, race it up the Cooper River, light the Ravennel bridge on fire, jump the speed boat over the river bank into T-Rav's living room, jump out, scream in T-Rav's face that he’s the worst human alive, make out with him, give him a very aggressive/consensual hand job, punch him the throat, steal his cocaine, call an Uber, and make the Uber to take her through the Taco Bell drivethru.

Landon hangs out with her dad and he shows up all like Steven Bannon and Droopy Dog had a love child who’s also super disappointed in Landon. They go for a drive and Landon tells her dad about her website and he legit falls asleep while she is talking. They arrive at some property he’s developing and he’s basically like, “Honey, just come here once a week and I’ll pay you $400,000” and she’s like, “I want to be my own person who doesn’t take a job from my father!” and he’s like, “Cool, but your necklace is technically a dead chicken and I’m paying your rent so at least this way I get something out of it.” Landon says her website is the first thing she’s ever done on her own in her life and leaves out the part where she’s not actually doing any of it. And then in testimonial an emotional Landon says that going to work for her father is just like marrying T-Rav, and both of them are essentially giving up on herself and holy shit when did Landon gain self-awareness? She’s not wrong that either of these things would be her giving up on herself, but I don’t feel like she’s run the calculation where she herself sucks and therefore should be given up on ASAP. In summary: her dad really needs a facial.

Cammie comes over the Shep’s and she has matched her hair tie to her shirt and girl stop pushing me. Shep’s house is clean and he is feeding himself and reading a terrible book and it’s noon and Cammie is extra impressed. Cammie, your ridiculously low standards are one of the reasons that these men are so worthless. Being not a monster is not impressive. Shep says that he can’t live in this house anymore because it was built on an Indian party ground so parties keep spontaneously occurring. Do you think that Shep realizes that when he moves he will also be physically present in his new house and therefore all of his horrible life choices will still be in play?

Cammie thinks that she and Shep both have issues of being vulnerable which: no. Cammie’s issue is that she doesn’t want to have a child and she’s being forced to by her husband/society, and Shep’s issue is that his life is meaningless and he low key wants to die all of the time. Shep tells Cammie, “I’m not happy” and, like the level 5 enabler she is, Cammie responds, “You’re happy” and then Shep says, “I feel nothing towards anyone and it’s been that way a long time. I need help,” and Cameron is like, “Anyway, let’s get you married!”

Cameron and Chelsea help Kathryn pick out an outfit for her photo shoot, and can we pick a new term for a photo shoot that you requested and are paying for? Like “Millennial Glamour Shots?” Chelsea and Cameron basically ignore Kathryn and talk about how Cammie should do a Millennial Glamour Shots of her body now before a baby ruins it. This way her husband will better be able to masturbate to his memories of how fine she used to be. How…thoughtful?

Austen stops by Chelsea’s work to have a weird car talk where he invites her to come meet his parents and she tells him that Shep pulled her outside of a bar and tried to make out with her face multiple times while also telling her that Austen is weird and poor and probably finger banging Landon. While Chelsea talks Austen just sits quietly and uses all of his energy to suppress his urge to punch through his car window. And he does pretty good not punching things but he does bad not making this all about him and he's feelings. Like, instead of saying, "I'm sorry that happened to you, how are you feeling?” he’s like, “Here is what I’m going to say to Shep cause he touched my things. By the way, you are my things.”

Austen meets up with Craig and tells him what happened and Craig responds, “Yeah. Shep’s a shitty person.” Whitney comes and really doesn’t want to hear about any of it because sexual assault is boring AF. Then Shep shows up and is extra chummy with Austen because the best offense is maintaining that you are in no way responsible for your actions. Austen is like, “Tell me about the bad thing you did,” and Shep is like, “You clearly know the bad thing I did and also I don’t know what bad thing I did and also I don’t care,” and Austen is like “You did the bad thing,” and Shep is like, “I did do the bad thing and it was a test and Chelsea passed congrats and you’re welcome.” And Austen is like, “You are bullshit,” and Shep is like, “You’re engaged to Landon cause you FaceTimed her once,” and Austen is like, “Don’t touch my things,” and Shep is like, “Chelsea isn’t your things cause she’s not your girlfriend and therefore she’s everyone’s things,” and Austen is like, “You are a bad man doing bad things,” and Shep is like, “Cameron told me that Chelsea was my things. Also, Chelsea walked into that alley to be assaulted of me of her own free will and therefore obviously wanted it,” and Austen is like, “DON’T TOUCH MY THINGS” and Shep is like “I TOUCH ALL THE THINGS” and some random named Beau is like, “Wow, is this the rape culture Facebook is always talking about?” and Shep is like, “I’M THE VICTIM” and Austen is like, "You mentioned once that you have more money than me,” and Shep is like, “HOW DARE YOU SIR I SAID GOOD DAY,” and leaves.

Kathryn goes to her Millennial Glamour Shots and T-Rav brings Kensie over. Not to be the worst, but who did Kensie’s hair it is awful. T-Rav seems to be legit delighted by his daughter. By the end of the photo shoot it is night and no way did that baby get a nap or dinner so she is melting down and screaming and demanding to go home with Kathryn because she can’t read custody agreements yet. And it really is the saddest thing because she wants her mommy and Kathryn has to walk away while sobbing and this is very sad and also a granola bar could have prevented this whole scene from happening.

Cammie goes to Chelsea’s because I guess it’s their show now. Chelsea tells Cammie about the bad kiss attempt. And here is my #1 issue with Cameron: she is the quintessential “cool girl.” She really does, deep in her core, think that dudes are cooler and smarter and funnier and overall way better than women and this is why she always, always, always sides with the dude. ALWAYS. Cammie says it’s cool that Shep tried to make out with Chelsea against her will twice because it means that Shep really likes her. And if you didn’t dress so nice men wouldn’t yell at you on the street, it’s a compliment, it’s not their fault, maybe think of what you could do differently next time, boys will be boys, rape culture isn’t real, and why don’t you smile more? Chelsea gently points out that Cammie trying to get Shep to date her is kind of terrible because Shep lives like gutter trash and Chelsea maybe deserves better than gutter trash? Cameron is like, “Um…I’m going to go scream at Shep, and by scream at Shep I mean help him excuse his actions.”

Craig and Naomie go to therapy. Craig is hella mad because Chelsea told a charming anecdote a party where Craig confused pescatarian for Episcopalian and Chelsea listens to his concerns and responds by GOING IN. She tells Craig, “You exhibit loser behavior,” “Successful people don’t sleep all day,” “I can’t come home after a 14 hour day and find you in bed,” and “He thinks he’s perfect and it’s not accurate,” which was so brutal it caused my husband to look up from his computer and say, “WOW.” They are breaking up and I’m 100% for it.

Cammie meets Shep and tells him that maybe he shouldn’t do the sexual assault. He says he can’t remember the sexual assault which means it doesn’t count and also, if he did it, it was only because he wants shiny things. Cammie maintains that Shep is a smart, kind human and, girl, you know that even if that is true Shep is actively trying to drown that smart, kind human with whiskey because it’s that part of him that makes him feel things, which he cannot stand. Anyway, Shep is awful and if you see him the streets you should preemptively call 911, just to be safe.