SUMMER DIET TIPS FROM AN OLD US WEEKLY
This is exactly how seriously I've been pursuing my "summer beach body"—on a Sunday in early May, in the checkout line at Mariano's, with a cart full of healthy groceries I'd abandon as soon as I got home to order pizza, I saw this US Weekly and thought "it would be great to lose 46-ish lbs..." and placed Julianne, her abs, and my delusions on the conveyer belt atop the lettuce and carrots and scallions sentenced to die a slow death in my produce drawer. I would spend the evening ingesting the diet advice of my favorite stars alongside a pint of Jeni's Salty Caramel that they are now selling at Mariano's for $9 because motherfucker, mentally prepared to start fresh on Monday with a belly full of egg whites and air.
6+ weeks later I found "20 Slimdown Diet Tips Stars Are Using" crumpled unread at the bottom of my backpack. BUT IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR YOUR SUMMER BODY, AMIRITE.
My summer body is immediately derailed by this picture of Sarah Jessica Parker and family. Why is it so hard to believe that Sarah and Matthew are still together??? Is it because WHO IS SARAH JESSICA PARKER REALLY? I couldn't help but wonder, is she really not Carrie? How can she not be Carrie? Yes, yes, I know it's called acting, but I'm pretty sure she's Carrie and Carrie does not end up with Matthew Broderick. Confusing. Confounding. Also, talk about a person who hasn't had a hot dog. But damn clothes look good on her.
Anywhoozie here's a random spread of Britney's bikinis—
I'm exhausted just thinking about what I'd have to do to get my stomach to look like this. I mean I guess it would be worth it if the whole world was going to look at a spread of your bikini shots, but like I'd rather wear a black one piece while eating a hot dog, you?
Suffering through a photo spread on "Luna's 1st Year," (John and Chrissy are such fame whores) and finally we've made it to HOLLYWOOD'S SECRET DIET TIPS. I think the secret is "don't eat" but let's participate in the charade for a minute anyway, shall we? BUCKLE UP.
CARBS ARE YOUR FRIEND
"I thought carbs were my enemy but they're actually my best friend," says Julianne Hough. LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE! This bitch ain't had a carb since 1997. A sweet potato is not a carb. French fries dipped in ranch and pepperoni pizza with garlic butter is a carb.
"To build stamina for La La Land's dance numbers, Emma Stone did dead lifts with hefty barbells." LIAR! Have you even seen bird-boned Emma Stone? I mean I love her, but that girl hasn't eaten in years, much less "did dead lifts with heavy barbells." PLEASE.
WORK YOUR CORE
"Steal a sculpting move from Amy Opielowski, a senior manager at CorePower Yoga, where Hough and Kaley Cuoco tone. Sit with knees bent, feet flat on the ground. Bring hands behind your knees and lift one foot and then the other until shins are parallel to the floor. Slowly extend legs straight a few inches of the ground, Draw hands together at your chest, then cross one ankle over the other. Continue for 30 seconds." I FEEL ASLEEP WTF ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?
"If you're near water, gather friends for paddleboarding (like Lea Michele does)." DON'T BE STUPID US WEEKLY NOT EVERYONE LIVES IN LA OR HAS BALANCE OR WANTS TO BE LIKE LEA MICHELE.
"Bethenny Frankel enjoys avocado toast with tomato and egg for a filling breakfast." PLEASE. Bethany (corrective sp) has never eaten anything ever. I've seen her at 297823598745972 dinner parties on TV and nary a forkful has crossed her lips.
FLUSH YOUR LIFE DOWN THE TOILET
Lena lists anxiety disorder and endometriosis as contributing factors to her weight loss and this is the first piece of truth in this damn magazine! When I got divorced I was so skinny and everyone said how wonderful I looked and I was so miserable because I was getting divorced but I was so skinny. Sounds about right to me.
"Jenna Dewan-Tatum dresses up veggies with Tahini sauce!" Shut up.
EAT 3 MEALS A DAY
BUT I THOUGHT KIMMY K WAS EATING 5 SMALL MEALS A DAY?!?!?!??!?! Can we please just align on a plan?
REPLACE FOOD YOU LOVE WITH AIR
"Kristen Cavallari trades cream in soup for pureed cashews." WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN.
"MAKE SMART SWAPS: Trade bacon for fiber rich tempeh, tortillas for low-carb coconut wraps, and white rice for cauliflower." JUST KILL ME NOW WHY DON'T YOU.
GET ON THE SCALE
"Weigh-ins can help you scale back. In a 2015 study of 47 men and women, Duke University researchers found that those who weighed themselves daily lost 20 pounds over the course of six months. (The scale-averse dropped just 7.)" BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO IT WEEKLY, WHY CAN'T WE ALIGN ON CORE VALUES???
TAKE UP A NEW SPORT
Demi Lovato boxes to stay in shape: "People are stunned when they look in the cage to see who's cracking the pads that hard. Sylvester Stallone couldn't believe it was her!" Uh, ok, that definitely never happened.
OR how about you embrace dez nutz.