Here we have an episode where nothing happens and we’re gearing up for things to maybe happen in the future but for now it’s 43 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back. DIVE IN.
Intro time! Kathryn says namaste to the ground. Landon is told by the producers to invite T-Rav on a date and complies. Austen, in the most shocking move of the season, decides to get some beer. Craig accomplishes something like three years after he was supposed to. Cameron’s husband agrees to have his voice on the show and she calls him “my angel” 12 times.
Let’s circle back to our boy Craig, who finally finished law school. He calls his parents to tell them the good news that he met the bare minimum requirement to graduate from law school and they seem to be genuinely proud of him and goddamnit Craig’s parents your unwavering support is part of the problem. This is what happens when you give someone unconditional love and zero negative consequences and Adderall and a sewing machine. I also just spent like 15 minutes Googling “does Adderall make you really thin or what” because Craig is SO THIN, like scary thin, and I’m convinced it’s pills and I just assume he’s on Adderall already because dude can barely sit still for three solid seconds.
Cameron ushers us into a commercial for HomeGoods. When I want to buy pillows that will tear before I get them home, I choose HomeGoods. She meets up with Chelsea and they pick out items for Cameron’s new “Zen room”, which isn’t a thing. Chelsea puts some crystals in the cart and says that they create good energy if you charge them in moonlight and, you know, if crystals did work, which they don’t, the crystals you buy at HomeGoods would for sure be fuck up and burn your house down. Also: I legit want to go to HomeGoods now. Cameron pushes around some lamps that are super duper not Zen and fills Chelsea in on the Caftan Dinner Party/Healer drama and Chelsea grabs her heart at the mere sound of Kathryn’s name. I mean, Kathryn is a total mess, but man oh man does her brand have reach.
Craig meets Naomie for dinner and excitedly tells her that he has good news and Naomie’s amazing response is to look absolutely terrified. Because Craig is such a wild card that his exciting news could be that he knocked a wall down in their house so he can use the drywall to make belt buckles for his new men’s accessory line. Craig says that he’s graduating from law school and Naomie is like “I don’t believe you,” and Craig is hurt and Naomie is like, “Doesn’t it feel great to not be a bag of dicks for a single second?” and Craig is pissed and Naomie is like, “You only graduated because I gave you a list of things to do and you finally did them you worthless sack of shit,” and Craig starts to shut down and Naomie is like, “Do you think anyone can tell that we broke up three months ago and we’re just phoning it in until filming is over cause I need this check to pay for my grad school?“
Shep’s house is full of evidence that he does not have a drinking problem. Like, people who aren’t crippled by addiction and self-loathing always have tables full of empty Busch beer cans. He calls Cameron to invite her to lunch with Kathryn and Cameron is like LOL NO FOREVER, but then she agrees to come because she needs a storyline that doesn’t involve haunted dolls/her empty uterus. Shep says that everyone in the group gives T-Rav a pass while refusing to forgive Kathryn and his logic is actually pretty sound – like, you guys all adore this one dude scumbag so you should also be fine with this lady scumbag. Meanwhile, the décor in Shep’s house is killing me because he has these giant pillows on his couch that are brown with this large floral pattern and red/orange/green fringe and what fucking grown man would pick them out and oh wait clearly his mom bought them never mind.
Landon gets a call from her sister Bam and holy shit I forgot that her sister’s name was Bam why would parents do that. Landon tells Bam that if she dated T-Rav he would propose to her immediately. She’s not wrong, but he’d also probably make you live in the guest house.
Landon and T-Rav go on a for real date. T-Rav orders a bottle of wine and immediately after Landon orders herself a cocktail and this bitch right here. We all know that Landon is awful, but that move really pissed me off. You think he ordered the bottle of wine for just himself? Like, drink that and then get yourself a cocktail. Fucking inconsiderate, man. Landon and T-Rav get down into it, like how her necklace is a form of cultural appropriation and where turquoise comes from and if T-Rav is nervous enough to spill his wine or not (he is). It’s all giggling and hands and bullshit non-facts and they have the same level of chemistry as me and the woman at Aldi who rings up my groceries. Landon wants to date T-Rav because he worships her and has all of the money but she can’t date T-Rav because he’s been to prison and constantly gets Kathryn pregnant. And T-Rav’s counter argument is basically, “Look at my teeth though!” And then some random drunk lady sitting across from them interrupts everything to steal the episode. She’s done eating, her grown son at the table with her is busy texting/ignoring her, and she rants that Landon and T-Rav have amazing chemistry that is just oozing onto the floor and running all over her feet. She says that, speaking as a southern woman who is drunk in public and has signed a release, the two of them are soul mates and she should know because she’s been married for 34 years to a man who is not here right now and her grown son is not speaking to her and love is amazing and this fate. I swear the producers found that woman on the street, kidnapped her, gave her a roofie, showed her the Notebook, spun her around twice, and pushed her into that restaurant.
The gang meets up at a restaurant called California Dreaming to see if Kathryn can still get it up to scream and throw things at them while sober. Shep and Craig make small talk with a super uncomfortable-looking Kathryn while Cameron comes in with Whitney and no one is happy to see anyone. But at least there are nachos? Everyone talks about how they support each other and no one roasts Craig for his dusty ass Back to the Future vest so you know it’s all bullshit.
Shep gets another haircut from Chelsea and how fast does his fucking hair grow. Soon he’ll either be bald or Chelsea will have to start using plastic scissors. Shep tries to figure out if she likes Austen or if she likes him and Chelsea says that she likes lamp. She’s an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a parasite she picked up while filming Survivor.
T-Rav is sad because he doesn’t have a pretty woman to help him plan his son’s first birthday party. T-Rav gets a call from his dad who says he can’t come to the party because he has a dentist appointment that day and might get a tooth pulled and that excuse is bullshit, dentists are available like most days. T-Rav is legit devastated. Even though at first I thought it was a bit because his dad said he has a dentist appointment at 2:30, which sounds just like “tooth-hurty” and is a dumb joke we make around my office all of the time no you’re lame shut up. But his dad for real is going to dentist instead of celebrating his grandson’s birth and T-Rav is for real trying not to cry on camera.
Landon has dinner with Drew and tells him how she found out that there are several other websites called Roam and that she’s never heard of Google.com or even Letmegooglethatfor you.com. Drew’s face is so long and wide I can hardly look at it – it’s like staring at a kitchen cabinet. Landon wants to get married and have kids ASAP and knows that Drew doesn’t and then she starts crying and Drew shows as much compassion as a countertop.Through her tears she says that she’s had her dog for 12 years but Drew was the first man who ever walked the dog with her. She says it’s really all she wants, to have someone to walk the dog with her, and it’s so hard because when you date men who are only interested in you for your appearance and how your appearance enhances their appearance they don’t really give a shit about your happiness or trying to make your day-to-day life better and she is so afraid of being poor that she has to date rich men but she’s starting to realize that she feels lonelier with these rich men then she does by herself and she’s so afraid of being alone and maybe it’s time to stop lying to herself about who she is and what she wants and maybe it’s time to leave Charleston and find a job at a non-profit where she can work, really work, and walk her dog by herself and know that one day she’ll find a man who wants to walk beside here. JK – not about the dog part, but everything else did not happen. She just cries and breaks up with Drew and he seems to not care much one way or the other.
Kathryn meets Elizabeth for coffee and her makeup is an interpretation of the book Harold and the Purple Crayon. It’s Saint’s first birthday and Kathryn isn’t going to be able to see him so they order a tiny cake in his honor and fuck this is bleak. Elizabeth gives Kathryn a letter T-Rav wrote where he invites her to Saint’s birthday party and she seems happy, but happy in that way where the producers told her, “Hey, T-Rav is inviting you to Saint’s party so let’s slap some purple lipstick on you and get you into this coffee shop so we can get it on film.” I mean, yeah for being invited, boo for not being able to see your children because of your series of horrific choices, and double boo for not even taking a bite of that cake.