OH NO SHE BETTER DO (RPDR RECAP)

I think we might be in the upside down, you guys. I mean, obviously we are. Two things. ONE: Did you watch last week's show and TWO: do you own a dictionary. You watched? AWESOME. So then ... look up the definition of a reunion. When I look up the definition of the word reunion it is maybe different than what last week was, but you know I don't want to judge. Maybe I don't have the extra special drag queen dictionary, or maybe I'm just a big ol' cranky poop head but that mess was not a reunion. REUNIONS HAPPEN AFTER A SHOW IS DONE AND TONIGHT IS THE FINALE WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING AND WHY AM I YELLING AT YOU.

It was announced today that Mama Ru is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, so maybe she's too busy to worry about things like dictionaries and making me happy. That's fine. I ain't mad at nobody. It's just that ... well ... frankly I wish this show had an ending that makes sense to me. Not just this current season, but like EVER.

I'd tell you how it works, but you already know because you're maybe younger than me and remember everything. I probably wouldn't even mind what happened last week, if they would call it something else. That's how much of a softy I am. Part of me wants a look back at the season before the finale and part of me is filled with rage and wants to get to the finale. The finale of RPDR also always makes me a little eye rolly. SO MUCH SHOW and three seconds of getting a crown. I appreciate the fact that there are 900 zillion people crammed into that theatre, but I want my super personal and up close final moments with my girls. It's just gonna be a lot of super far off shots and echoy voices in a huge theatre.

See? I'm a bitch.

I just wish it felt more intimate, you know like the finale of Project Runway. OH MY GOD. WHEN DOES THAT SHOW COME BACK. You know I love RPDR, but PR is the best reality show on TV. 

OH MY GOD SO MUCH RAMBLING ABOUT NOTHING I CAN CONTROL.

As you know, not much happened, but here are my 3 favorite moments in no particular order.

WHAT IS THIS SHIT ON HER HEAD.

WHAT IS THIS SHIT ON HER HEAD.

1) Charlie Hides

OY VEY. Just looking at this queen give me a touch of the PTSD. Ru asks Charlie about her terrible lip sync. Yes, terrible, don't judge me. WTF WAS THAT SHIZ. Charlie comes up with some weird excuse about how his rib was cracked from the cheerleading challenge. (That sound you just heard was my eyes rolling out of my head and onto the floor) The girls tear him apart. When pressed he basically comes up with other NEW excuses (beyond this rib BS) and talks and talks (it's more talking than Alexis, yo) and talks and talks and … I fall asleep. Trinity has the best read here by saying if you’re gonna have an excuse, have one … not FIVE. He knows we saw the show, right? Charlie stood there and didn’t do anything. WHAT. There’s nothing else to say. HOWEVER. It was nice to watch him squirm about it and try to have something to say to make it alright. #FAIL

2) EUREKA!

I can’t lie. I’ve spent a lot of time this season wondering what it would have been like to have Eureka with us on this ... journey. Surely she would be in or very near the finale. Nothing much happens here other than me smiling ear to ear because I'm so happy to see her. When we review what happened with her going home … it was aiight. She was sad as is to be expected. The most shocking news in this section is that we discover Trinity actually said goodbye to Eureka's face (!!!) and told her she was sorry she was leaving because she knew how much she wanted the crown. I'm excited to see her next season. ESPECIALLY now that she'll be free of Trinity's BS.

3) VALENTINA!

I know Val basically did the same crap as Charlie, but I like her so much more so I sorta forgive her. She tells us she was up the night before her lip sync learning the lyrics by writing out the words and listening to the song. A couple of the girls called bull shit, since the song has a seven word chorus (apparently). Alexis defends her, this whole conversation was aiiight. The chat turns to talk of her social media following and goes off the rails. Her fans attacked Nina Bonita Brown and others very harshly … and Valentina didn’t do much to stop those attacks. There's a lot of sassy back and forth, but eventually they get Valentina to say she doesn’t condone the behavior. 

Uhhhh... yeah girl. The top four did not even get near the most interesting thing that happened on this episode. Well, SEASON NINE GONNA SEASON NINE ALL UP IN YOUR DVR.

BLAH BLAH BLAH ... Valentina wins Ms. Congeniality and then everything sorta melts. Val starts by dedicating the prize to her mother. Everything feels nice, AND THEN ... Aja interrupts the speech to say she doesn’t think she should be Ms Congeniality. I didn't think much about this because Aja is a dirt bag and who even cares what she has to say with her fake instagram pics and CRAZY MAKEUP, but it definitely woke me up. THEN? Farah gets up in it and says they were real friends during the show and now Val hasn’t talked to her in months. OK. AGAIN. SNOOZE WHO CARES, YOU'RE 12 AND THE BLEACH MIGHT BE GETTING TO YOU (omg. Millennials are exhausting). The girls basically decide that the title isn’t Ms Congeniality and it should be Fan Favorite. Have I already said MILLENNIALS ARE EXHAUSTING? THEN Trinity breaks in because how can so much be happening without her getting to speak and says that Valentina was always going for herself, and Valentina is the fan favorite and that’s basically the winner of the show. Fun I guess, because these bitches never bothered to bring this kind of drama to the other 300 episodes of the show, but DANG. Ru closes this part of the show by reminding everyone that you can call it what you want … and the cash prize is still in US currency. Lol

THEN? the REAL BOMB:

Ru announces that the finale will be decided by a sudden death lip sync since this season has proved that lip syncing has never been more important. OMG. THE FIRE IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW I CANNOT. Finally. I'm excited. This will be fun. This also makes me think the winner could be a surprise, but here is my prediction for tonight.

First choice: Shea Couleé, but Sasha Velour is gonna be a close second. HOWEVER. You KNOWWW KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOOOWWW Peppermint can murder a lip sync, so don't fall asleep and act like you know. Do your stretches and GET READY.