48 LAWS OF MESSINESS (SOUTHERN CHARM RECAP)

Guys can you believe that it’s been 13 entire episodes already? And literally nothing has happened? I mean, give Andy Cohen a raise for tricking us all back onto this location-specific shit show of a carousel again. Also, full disclosure: I legit have a mild concussion right now and therefore teared up at the T-Rav and Kathryn scenes DON’T JUDGE ME.

We’re still in Key West! Key West: the basic bitch of the Florida Keys. Cammie and Landon get massages on the beach and Landon is topless and Cammie is not because those Cammie bits are only for her husband and Jesus, in that order. Kaythrn reads a book and I paused the screen and looked it up and YOU GUYS. It’s called The 48 Laws of Power and here is its description: “Amoral, cunning, ruthless, and instructive, The 48 Laws of Power is the definitive manual for anyone interested in gaining, observing, or defending against ultimate control,” i.e. those who have dated/are planning on dating Thomas Ravennel. According to the LA Times, this book is major with, “...the hip-hop set, Hollywood elite and prison inmates alike,” and, per the Kirkus Review, the overall book is “complete nonsense.” Say what you want about her parenting style/life choices/outfits, but you gotta admit that Kathryn is always ALWAYS 100% on-brand.

Anyway, let’s check in with everyone else who was contractually obligated to go on this vacation: Dani and Elizabeth search for Kathryn by just sitting around and doing nothing. T-Rav and Shep go jet skiing. JD jumps his bright pink man chest straight into the ocean. Craig texts. Naomie and Jennifer leave. Craig says that Naomie leaving is the last string and thank gawd it’s only a string and not a straw or else we’d really be in trouble/have proof that Craig read a book.

Austen and Chelsea go parasailing with the word “FURY” emblazoned on the sail behind them which is such foreshadowing I can’t even.

Whitney massages Cammie without her knowledge or consent. Kathryn walks onto the beach looking like a 1950s movie star who can’t get work. She and Dani and Elizabeth talk about whether or not Kathryn can trust Landon now and no one brings up the most important point which is: who cares? Landon says that she stood up for Kathryn because T-Rav was talking to Kathryn the way that Landon’s ex-husband used to talk to her and she will not stand for it, no sir. When did Landon grow a backbone? Landon says that she doesn’t want a man like that and I’d be all “team Landon whoo!” if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s making these great points while wearing a cover-up that looks like lettuce and it also adorned with hot pink tassels.

It’s night time! The main group takes a bus to dinner while Landon, Shep, JD, and someone I can’t remember probably because of this concussion endanger everyone on the island by driving mopeds to dinner.

At dinner, Kathryn invites T-Rav outside to chat and the cameraman finally finds an angle that makes T-Rav look moderately attractive, like a low rent coked out Tom Cruise. Anyway, Kathryn uses some of her new “48 Laws of Power” tricks on T-Rav and he agrees to work out an agreement for co-parenting without any lawyers and raise your hand if you think this plan is going to work: *everyone in the world sits on their hands*.

Meanwhile, inside, Dani says that she doesn’t feel very well and then she collapses and Elizabeth yells “Whitney help me!” as Dani slowly slips down to the ground and Whitney does help but only at the very end. T-Rav leads the EMTs into the room and they all lie that she hadn’t had any alcohol the EMTs they take her out of the restaurant strapped to this fabulous rolling chair and I guess that’s island life.

The moped crew mopeds to a parking lot where JD talks to Elizabeth about the big medical drama while also smoking a cigar like the real hero he is. Turns out that Dani was just hella dehydrated so now we can all have dinner because she’s texting and clearly doesn’t need any support whatsoever even though she just lost consciousness like 20 minutes ago. People go to the hospital all the time for no reason! Let’s get some spinach and artichoke dip!

We are as close to dinner as we’ve been in that they’re all finally sitting down at the fucking dinner table, but Landon is once again doing her “where do I sit do I have legs I don’t remember” thing and T-Rav says that he doesn’t care where Landon sits as long as it’s far the fuck away from him. Landon responds like “dude can you be nice to a human woman you aren’t going to bone?” and the answer is complete silence. Shep gives Cammie a present that’s a T-shirt that  says “At my age I need glasses” and has a picture of two glasses of wine and why is Shep your most embarrassing aunt. Craig gives Cammie an embroidered onesie that says “Arriving soon 2017” and can we take a second and ponder how that outfit makes no fucking sense? Like, it’s an outfit for a baby that has not yet been conceived and, whenever that baby does exist you can never put it in that onesie because it will have already arrived and thus can’t wear a shirt that says “arriving” and I guess it’s just a vanity onesie you’re supposed to frame or put in a scrapbook or some shit? Anyway, Cammie cries and Craig smiles and neither he nor Shep even wrapped their gifts men are garbage.

The next morning, Cammie tries to get Shep to be less drunk for his flight and he refuses. She does a pier walk with Craig and they sit down and talk about how he’s sad that Naomie left without saying goodbye and going to couples therapy has somehow made things worse between them because when you choose a therapist based on who will let you film the sessions, you’re probably not getting top-tier therapy talent. Cammie lets Craig in on the little secret that we all think he’s a dick and he says that it’s only because Naomie is smart enough to yell horrible things at him in private while he’s the dumb ass who waits to say horrible things back to her in public. Then Shep show up like GrubHub if GrubHub was a belligerent drunk. He throws biscuits and gravy at Cammie and yells at Craig that how dare he talk to beer that way and then sneezes on his shirt and says it’s fine because it’s his shirt and everyone shut the fuck up have you noticed how this one bird is amazing.

Back in Charleston, T-Rav meets with JD and JD is drinking an enormous bourbon on ice and he really puts the “fun” in “functional alcoholism”. T-Rav says he doesn’t understand why Landon starting yelling at him and rushing to Kathryn’s defense. T-Rav is really hurt that Landon would stand up for another human being in front of him and is so up in his feelings about it that he texted Landon a Jane Austen quote.

And now here’s Bam with her ridic name and those eyebrows. She’s using the eyebrow stamp everyone is Instagramming about and it’s really working for her in that it’s totally distracting me from the fact that she has a xylophone in her house. Landon tells Bam that she’s in a Jane Austen text war with Thomas.

T-Rav tells JD that he dodged a bullet and he feels both enlightened and betrayed - entrayed? Belightened? Either way, he’s a humorless dick about the whole thing. In a voice quivering with emotion he tells JD that he wants to be with a woman who feels both privileged and honored to be with him and he says it with so much intensity and vehemence it’s like 70% of the OKCupid profiles out there. The next time that he sees Landon he’s going to treat her like the waitress which I take to mean ask her for a blow job.

Kathryn meets up with Naomie and she is 100% J Crew basic mom style and orders a “coca-cola”. She wants to talk to Naomie about what the fuck is wrong with Craig. Naomie admits that she’s bitter at having had to lie to everyone for the past year by saying that Craig was eligible to take the bar when he wasn’t. Naomie admits that she’s the worst to him behind doors and he looks bad only because he’s not smart enough to keep his shit there as well.

Kathryn’s new testimonial look is Cruella De Vil goes to Dorne and I am HERE FOR IT.

Naomie is done with her exams and Craig is doing bar prep and they haven’t talked about the trip yet because they promised the producers that they would only be messy on-camera from now on. Craig says that he had a better time and was finally himself after Naomie left Key West which is such bullshit because it’s the exact opposite of what he said to Cammie on the pier. These two, I swear to gawd. If you’re going to be this dramatic at least get married, have babies, get divorced, have more babies, then get married again, adopt some babies, and then separate. They act like there’s so much on the line when all they do is sit on that tired ass couch and bitch at each other. Naomie says that they’re both assholes and he says that’s great to hear and then she interrupts him to remind him that he’s still an asshole. He says that he’s extremely angry with her still for all the shitty things she said to him that we didn’t get on tape and that he can’t remember the last time he looked over at her during a party and she wasn’t scowling at him. And now they’re hugging? Like, guys, you don’t have to keep your relationship together for the cat. That cat hates you both regardless.

Kathryn and her cape of power come over to T-Rav’s with a tiny little rose bud which is supposed to be a metaphor for their blossoming relationship. Scuse me while I throw up in my cape of shut-the-fuck-up. T-Rav says that he gets weak when he’s around Kathryn because she has a body beyond what the law should allow. The law won’t allow that body or Kathryn to see her children who are currently eating spaghetti in the guest house.

Kathryn tells T-Rav that when they were together she always felt that she was less-than T-Rav and now she feels like they’re equals and she’s forgetting the part where her knowing absolutely nothing about anything was what made T-Rav want her the most in the first place. T-Rav thinks that they could get back together and oh shit they just greenlit season 5. Now T-Rav is quoting Gone with the Wind and hugging Kathryn and then holding her and making happy groaning sounds into her neck and nuzzling her neck and saying that he thinks about her and then she says she kind of wants to kiss him. And that, boys and girls, is how you perpetuate some bullshit.

Sometime later! The gang all gets ready for some big party at JD’s restaurant that has neither a name nor a reason for being. Craig wears a white shirt with a cream jacket because some men just want to watch the world burn. Chelsea’s side-pinned hair is awful. Landon shows up and says “Hi” to Thomas and he nods at her in the exact same way you would nod at a waitress if you were also a bag of dicks.

Kathryn’s look is Mozart dominatrix dressage realness. Everyone at the party knows that Kathryn and T-Rav made out because Kathryn told Naomie, who told Cammie, who shouted it to the heavens while falling to her knees, tearing at her hair, and screaming “WHY????” Dinner is served with a knife sticking out of the mashed potatoes and it’s more upsetting than Kathryn’s outfit.

Turns out that Craig and Shep missed their connecting flight from Key West to Charleston because drunk ass Shep spilled water on a man and then started cussing him out and Craig had to hustle him out of the airport before he got arrested and WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T WE GET THAT ON CAMERA? I know that the people behind the cameras have to sleep but like hire more of them?

Craig shows off the pocket square the he made before they left. Shep came with a date named Bailey and now Austen and Bailey are talking and hugging and kissing and Chelsea and her side-swept monstrosity of a hairdo are sitting at a table, watching and fuming. She tells Austen that he’s making her look like gd idiot, and he responds that he didn’t realize that she was a woman with feels and carings. She says she does have the feels, and he says do you want me to do only you or do you want me to put my finger up other girls butts? And then they decide to date exclusively and it’s supposed to be heart-warming except for the part where they already were dating exclusively for months and are only now being honest about it so, no, no bonus points for you, only yawns.  

Craig sits with Cammie, Shep, and Landon and says that in Key West he made himself vulnerable and it freed up his life and, um, where is the footage of that? I did not see it. Anyway, Craig says that they’re all so close to all being able to exist in peace so Landon should say those awful things about Kathryn again, out loud, to her face, so we can get some closure/yelling on camera. Craig is like, “Let me meditate this shit that has nothing to do with me,” and Shep is like, “Nope, instead I will talk nonstop and make cold war allusions,” and Craig is like, “Shut up or I will hit you so hard you won’t be able to feel your legs tomorrow,” and Shep is like, “Bay of Pigs,” and Craig is like, *LEG PUNCH*

They beckon to Kathryn to come mediate their argument regarding Craig’s failure to mediate. And then we return to the old Southern Charm sweet spot: Craig making Shep insane. Shep ends up yelling that Craig is a drunk with anger issues not him, never him, he’s just a bull who will give you horns and also needs another drink.

Meanwhile, T-Rav sits on a couch with Kathryn. He says that he likes her sexy dark lips and sexy leather leggings and sexy lady vag. T-Rav confesses that he thought that Kathryn didn’t love him anymore and Kathryn responds, “I love you so much and I will always love you,” and I guess that The 48 Laws of Power might be worth the price ya’ll.