SOMETHING'S ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF SUNSHINE (RHOC RECAP)

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Real Housewives of Orange County is a lot like your fun drinking bestie from college; she was the life of the party years ago, but now you’re a grown up with a job and a family, and she’s doing body shots with tourists at Dave & Buster’s. Fun Bridget is a sad, sick adult who needs to quit wearing tube tops from Hot Topic. Same with all the ladies on RHOC.

These Housewives, some of whom have been on the show for over a decade, have not fundamentally evolved. Sure, they may be more Christian, or wealthier, or more organic, but they still spend money they don’t have, choose horrible men as partners, and treat each other like shit. It’s like Waiting for Godot but blonder and with dumber leads.

Our torture begins at the Beador household with the painfully slow, multiseason dissolution of Shannon Beador’s marriage to her husband, David The Worst. Shannon describes David as “emotionally distant,” which is a funny way of saying ‘sociopath’.

Shannon has gained 40lbs after Vicki Gunvalson started a rumor last season that David was abusing Shannon. Shannon was still recuperating from David’s past affair so this rumor sent her into tailspin filled with comfort food and comfort vodka.

Shannon is preparing a healthy quinoa bowl for her family’s dinner in hopes that this food will help her lose weight so that David will love her, even a little. David is nonplussed about the quinoa and Shannon is crushed and oh god, please just stab David. Just Big Little Lies that motherfucker. If there’s one thing that may unite these women, it’s murdering a douchebag. And day drinking.

Next, derangement incarnate, Vicki Gunvalson invites Kelly Dodd to her office to badmouth the other Housewives while musing about why everyone can’t just get along. Vicki doesn’t understand why Tamra Judge is so upset that she started a rumor that her husband is gay or why Shannon Beador is so upset that she started a rumor that her husband beats her. They’re just rumors, and it’s not like rumors can hurt people, right??? It’s probably that everyone is jealous of Vicki because according to her, “They’re not the popular girls. We are the popular girls.” Right, popular like Romy and Michele. Super aspirational.

Tamra Judge is still very into Jesus and attends a bible study group hosted by Lydia McLaughlin, who was on the show a few years, back but was less compelling than oatmeal so she was booted. But now she’s back to grace us with her oatmeal essence again. Tamra cries to Lydia’s churchly friends, who are all wearing enormous diamonds, about her estrangement from her teenage daughter. All the pious women squeeze Tamra tight, their diamonds shining the light of jesus all over the room.

Meanwhile, Meghan King Edmonds had a baby girl named Aspen and she’s beautiful. Thank god, because Meghan admits her husband, Jimmy, is not beautiful. Also, it was super easy for Meghan to lose the pregnancy weight thanks to “genetics, breast-feeding, and god.” (Maybe Shannon just needs god to love her more so she can lose those lbs.) Meghan is also shoving uncomfortable shoes on her baby’s feet because “beauty is pain”. Move over Mary Tyler Moore, I just found the most loveable woman on TV.

Back in Casa Most Locas, Vicki is dating Steve, a retired homicide detective, who she describes as reliable, dependable, honest, and trustworthy. She also admits that she still misses her abusive conman ex-boyfriend, Brooks. Because Vicki is fucking NUTS. Run Steve! All your years on the force won’t save you from this certifiable psycho. Just leave her house, get in your car and don’t stop until you reach Tijuana. Then get facial reconstruction surgery and change your name to Pat. And maybe, just maybe, she won’t find you and eat your soul.

Speaking of soulless, Kelly is planning on getting vaginal rejuvenation surgery to fix her rocky marriage, because you know what they say: Never go to bed angry, and after a certain age, always tighten your vagina. Kelly offers to pay for her mom’s surgery as well, because you know what they say: Mothers and daughters are closest when daughters become mothers and when they get two-for-one vaginal rejuvenation surgery deals. Her mom declines. You’re missing the deal of the century, mom!

Lydia, who is the personification of a Disney princess (huge eyes, not much personality) has a hot husband, Doug, and three boys named Sterling, Maverick, and Roman because cartoon mermaids don’t name their sons Matthew. Lydia and family pack into the quaintest Cadillac golf cart you have ever seen and head to the park to teach Maverick how to ride a bike. He succeeds and everyone cheers, and then Lydia stares off into the distance and coos “I want much more than this provincial liiiiiife.”

Tamra and her niece meet Shannon and her daughter to shop for prom dresses. Shannon reveals that she’s not buying any “fat clothes” because she intends to lose the weight. Tamra isn’t convinced but only tells that to the camera and all of the viewers and not Shannon because she’s such a good friend.

Later, Lydia meets Vicki for dinner to try to convince her to be friends with Tamra again because Frozen had a happy ending so why shouldn’t this? Vicki insists that her friendship with Tamra is irreparably broken. Lydia mulls over what type of friendship potion she can cook up to make these besties love each other again. Here’s a hint: Add vodka.

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