Kill. Me. Now. Here's your recap: Everyone is racist, men are trash. THE END.
The Men Tell All served up everything we hate about The Bachelor franchise. Manufactured drama. Dumb people trying to sound smart, but not in a funny way. Producers proselytizing on issues that the damn show helps create. But we get to see all the kids new lewks and reunite with Jack Stone's teeth, so yay?
We start with rehashing the fight between Whaboom and Blake, YAWN. The first time around it was the worst goddamn acting I've seen since Lindsay Lohan stumbled through her Oprah series pretending she was sober. Why do we have to see it again? NO ONE CARES ABOUT A BANANA. BUT DID YOU SEE ADAM (WHO?) IS WEARING GREY BOOTIES?
DeMario says the scrunchie chick is his side piece. “Are there any ocular facts that we dated?” DeMario asks. An entire room of optometry students looks up from grinding monocles to throw packages of daily wear at the TV. At home I'm filled with rage because I cannot stand when people try to obfuscate meaning with BIG WORDS. Also, DeMario is real hyped up and gesticulating all around, glad to be back on TV. This must've been filmed before the Bachelor in Paradise scandal, I'm worried about everything coming down the pike for him, it's so uncomfortable. TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN, DEMARIO.
No one likes Iggy and his monochromatic outfit and golden chain.
Kenny is a big ham. He's really serving us Chippendale-working-the-crowd-realness. Will he be the next Bachelor? I can't believe they would allow him to wear such an ugly tie if that were true. But they sure are giving him a lot of screen time, the producers even trot out his little daughter WHO IS THE DAMN CUTEST and she gives her dad a rose in an odd ceremony reminiscent of the Purity Ball, when girls symbolically marry their dads and promise to remain virgins till marriage.
The producers decide to send Kenny and Makenzie to Disneyland anyway and it's adorable. Kenny Bachelor Watch: Medium or High Alert? Me thinks America won't tolerate two black people in a row and that's why we have TRUMP <<<crying>>> but I hope they have fun in Disneyland because I adore Makenzie.
It's time to rehash Kenny and Lee. Sigh. I mean, maybe this is the problem with America. Everybody wants to talk about shit and act like there are "two sides." NO. Lee is a racist, gaslighting, micro-aggressing piece of shit. The end. No one on that stage should have to "educate him" or "listen to his point of view." Sorry bout it. His public shaming lasts forever and includes Chris reading his rascist-ass tweets until LEE DENOUNCES FORMER LEE. Is he sincere? Is he gonna learn? I mean he's still wearing the exact same mismatched three piece suit and Whoville hair and is lounged on the shaming couch like he owns the place, so methinks he's learned NOTHING.
I AM CALLING THE POLICE ON DEAN'S HAIR.
Rachel arrives and her makeup looks great. She schools Lee some more. She schools DeMario a bit and he gives her a thumbs up. Adam Who We Don’t Know From Adam asks for an explanation from Rachel, which is hilarious. She tries to be all, I did know Adam and Matt! (WHO) and it's like, girl, bye.
TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE HAVE PASSED.
Typically the best part of the Men Tell All is when we get to see the preview for the final episode. But since the editing was weird with the fantasy suites, this was sort of off and non-exciting. I mean at this point, are we supposed to be all invested when she eliminates Eric? Like that's happening. And is there any drama at the end? Did anyone bone? Or is she just going to mount Bryan in that silvery fish gown and fly off into the night? WHO CARES I CAN'T WAIT I LOVE THIS ISH. Real talk: Do you think Peter will go out with me when he comes back to Wisconsin???