SORRY, I AIN'T SORRY (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

The exes: Rob, 39 and Shivonne, 31.
The reason for the break-up: Shivonne moved away because Rob was a garbage boyfriend
What Rob wants out of this evening: To get her to move back to NYC with him and also to pretend to propose to her
What Shivonne wants out of this evening: For Rob not to be mad at her uterus for being pregnant with his baby
After the first 30 seconds I am team: Shivonne

Rob tells us that when they first started dating he was a DJ in New York and also a sack of shit. You see, Shivonne fell in love with him right away but Rob felt like the love of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life was slowing him down. Shivonne was all, “Hey! Do you want to hang out tonight?” and Rob was all, “My life is the music you’re smothering me!” Eventually, Shivonne got an opportunity to move to LA to start a career as a fitness model and she told Rob, “I’m moving to LA unless you blink twice” he held his eyes open for five minutes straight so she left.

Shivonne is now a successful fitness model in LA. Four months ago she met up with Rob in New York and they had the sex, and now she has something to tell him. What oh what could it be just kidding obvi she’s pregnant because I graduated from the 6th grade and can piece together this mystery. Also, the title of this episode is “Baby Bump.”

Rob shows up to the apartment of awkwardness first and hangs out all nervous-like. When Shivonne walks in he’s up in the bed loft so he screams “Shivonne!” to scare her and oh Rob, you’re the worst. 

Shivonne and Rob hang out in the kitchen area and talk about how Rob used to be a cheating sack of shit. He laughs about how it was that Shivonne was always his girlfriend but he was only her boyfriend like 40% of the time and she’s like, “That is not funny and now I’m going to cry,” and he’s like, “Don’t cry!” and she’s like *pregnant tears*.

Shivonne is hungry so Rob makes her a frozen pizza and I am really upset about the food situation on this show. These people are baring their souls for our entertainment, at least give them a GrubHub coupon code. Rob tells Shivonne that he has changed in that he has a) been to church twice and b) can no longer get work as a DJ. Shivonne eats pizza as Rob orders them some more food and this here gorgeous fitness model is showing us some peak pregnancy realness. Proud of you, girl.

They move over to the living room area and read the questions the producers wrote up in the hopes of giving them both fear poops. Shivonne’s question for Rob is, “Why did you think it was OK to cheat on me?” and his response is LAME like, “I never thought it was OK,” which, then she’s obviously going to follow up with so why did you do it then. You gotta take that question and PIVOT. But Rob is bad at thinking so instead he says “I didn’t think,” which Shivonne takes to mean he didn’t think about her at all, which is true, and awful, and she starts crying again and Rob gets up and walks away. YOU MADE MY BEAUTIFUL SHIVONNE CRY GET YOUR ASS BACK ON THAT COUCH AND FIX IT RIGHT NOW. But instead he just wanders around the apartment and says, “I don’t usually express myself like this.” Like how? You are literally saying nothing. So Rob decides it’s a perfect time to bring out a fake ass book with a real ass jewelry box in it and give it to Shivonne. And, it looks like a proposal, it feels like a proposal, and I’m going to quote myself here from the very first episode of this trainwreck of a show: “ Pro-tip: don’t propose to someone you aren’t currently dating. It’s not a good look.”

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As Shivonne opens the book and sees the jewelry box Rob starts to get down on one knee and then immediately stands back up and laughs and says, “It’s not what you think! It’s not what you think! It’s not what you think!” and WHAT WAS EVEN THE POINT OF THAT. Why do you have to make her feel uncomfortable all of the time? So far you have: surprise scared her, tried to reminisce about the times you cheated on her, not stopped her from blaming herself for you cheating on her, and then FAKE PROPOSED TO HER. Men are garbage why do we even with them.

Shivonne tells us that she was actually hoping he wasn’t proposing which, yes, because you are a rational adult. Shivonne, I know that you’re pregnant with his baby and all, but you’re such a catch I’m sure that lots of other dudes will for real propose to you and raise that baby and manage to do so without making you cry three times an hour. 

Anyway, inside the jewelry box is a metaphorical key to Rob’s heart along with an invitation to move in with him in New York. WOW I GET TO MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND LIVE IN YOUR TINY DUSTY ASS APARTMENT THE BLESSINGS ARE JUST RAINING DOWN UPON ME. Rob’s standing there smiling like he’s a hero even though he just proposed a scenario where she has to do all of the work. Like, if you’re trying to turn over a new leaf, maybe you move to LA to be with her? Shivonne doesn’t say yes right away and it freaks Rob out.

Shivonne tells us that she’s pregnant (no shit) so she can’t accept his offer until he accepts that she’s pregnant. She tells him that she’s 100% considering it which is such a non-response it’s brilliant. Rob wants to get a yes out of her because coffee is for closers and he gets everything he wants with the exception of an actual DJ career. 

The food arrives and Shivonne is freaking out about how to tell Rob that she’s pregnant and she isn’t sure how to do it and like I don’t know, how about “Remember that sperm you shot up in my vag I still have some of it only it’s a kid now.” Instead, she starts with, “You can’t be mad at me, promise,” and my God WHY WOULD HE BE MAD AT YOU? Like, biology is real and you don’t need to apologize for it. Being able to make life with your body like a god means never having to say you’re sorry.

Shivonne asks Rob how he would feel if it happened to be that perhaps she was a person who maybe had an ovary which might have dropped an egg which possibly ran into his sperm that could have created a zygote that perhaps implanted in her uterine lining and Rob is like, “I do not understand,” because, honestly, she is making no sense right now. Shivonne is too busy freaking all the way out to say the most important thing, which is, “I’m pregnant” but she does manage to finally get it out. And Rob, prince that he is, immediately says, “No you’re not,” because he’s an obstetrician/DJ, DJ Fallopian Tubes, catch him in his mom’s basement Saturday night. Rob says that she can’t be pregnant because she doesn’t have a belly. She says that she does have a belly and shows it to him and then he says that she’s sticking it out and she’s not really pregnant. She asks again if he’s mad and SHIVONNE YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO IS MAD. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN PREGNANT WITHOUT ANY OF HIS HELP FOR FOUR MONTHS ALREADY, THROWING UP AND FEELING LIKE SHIT EVERYDAY. YOU’RE THE ONE WHOSE CAREER IS NOW PUT ON HOLD. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S HAD TO CARRY THE ENTIRE BURDEN OF HAVING THIS BABY SO FAR WHILE HE STANDS THERE AND SAYS, “But you don’t even have a belly.” THESE ARE CAPS OF RAGE.

Anyway, once he stops being a dick Rob is overjoyed that he got to reproduce with this woman who he does not deserve. He kisses her belly and she cries and it would be sweet if it wasn’t the bare fucking minimum a father should do. Rob then dances around in celebration about how his sperm work and like STOP DANCING AND ASK HER HOW SHE’S FEELING YOU MONSTER. 

They go to bed and Shivonne eats a yogurt and that second trimester is no joke, you guys. I once went out to a restaurant and ordered so much food the waitress was like, “But what are you training for?” And I was like, “BRINGING FORTH NEW LIFE I WOULD ALSO LIKE THE CALAMARI.”

Shivonne tells us she is torn about moving because she doesn’t want to move for a man. She says that she found herself in LA and gained confidence and girl I believe in you. I so badly want her to counter-propose like, “I’ll put up with your ridiculous ass and consent to combine my glorious genes with your ‘meh’ ones if you move across this country to LA and also give me nightly foot massages.” Instead, she doesn’t say anything and they go to sleep.

The next morning Rob admits that he’s asking a lot from her but he still needs to pressure her for a solid yes. Shivonne is torn because she wants to be with Rob but she hates cold weather and having a baby in a tiny apartment in NYC and taking it on the train sound horrific. CAUSE THEY ARE. Rob says that living in New York won’t be permanent, they can move away in a few years, and she says yes. She says, “I’ll do it for Rob, I’ll do it for the baby.”  She says that she’s happy and then she and Rob kiss and pull away and stare at the camera and it’s basically the last shot in The Graduate.

In summary: The patriarchy is real, never apologize for your uterus, Rob please do some work to be worthy of Shivonne, Shivonne please do some work to hold Rob to a standard that is slightly higher than the floor, I wanna see baby pictures as soon as they are available