ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL HUNTY (PROJECT RUNWAY RECAP)

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SCREAMS!

OMG. Heidi is back and I'm so glad I can barely take it. I was almost convinced we had nothing left to live for. I mean have you looked outside? The world is GARBAGE what do we have to be excited about? I'll tell you friends ... NOT MUCH.  Though at least now we have Project Runway, so that's something? I'm so happy, well I'm trying to be anyway. Let's get to it. As usual these heauxs are teasing us at the opening of the show with brand new drama. They've got these clips from upcoming episodes and it looks CRAZY and INSANE and DRAMADRAMADRAMA. My favorite part is they say PR's most favorite thing ... THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF PROJECT RUNWAY.

Christ almighty I have missed this show.

GIVE ME SOME NEW SHIT TIM, I AM READY.

We meet the contestants. You might have done that last week or whenever, but I do not watch that stupid road to the runway show where you meet everyone. That's too many people to look at and hear from in one single hour. It's exhausting. Besides! I'm a grownup and a pretty smart one. Throw these bitches in and make them work! I don't wanna hold nobody's hand. I don't want to meet your mom while you knit a scarf for 30 seconds. Give me action and panic. I WANT MAGIC GOWNS. I WANT GLAMOUR. I WANT CRYING AT SURPRISE CHALLENGES. I WANNA SEE YOU CRY AT 3AM WHILE TRYING TO DESIGN THAT SURPRISE SECOND LOOK HEIDI GAVE YOU AT THE END OF THE DAY. I WANT A DRESS MADE OUT OF SKITTLES AND FISH BONES. Seriously. Who wants to see these nerds at their calmest and best, that's not good TV.

There's 16 contestants because SEASON SIXTEEN LOLOLOL. I mean you know these PR bitches like a corny moment, and I guess so do I because I am giggling like a school girl in heat. 16 LOLOLOL Though, let's be real, I can't write about all these heauxs because I've already completed one thesis project and I'm not doing another right here. I gotta sleep tonight. Here's what you need to know... there's someone named Deyonte (sounds like Beyonce but with a T?), this group is more diverse than I can ever remember (like super brown and lovely), and there are twins.

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Can we pause her for a moment to talk about old folks being absent from the show? Every season, and look me in the eye right now because I REALLY MEAN EVERY E-V-E-R-Y SEASON they have the token old person. I say old meaning people north of say ... 38. You get one person who might be 40 or 45 maybe even 50 (!). That's getting old (pun intended) my dudes. ONE PERSON who isn't 20? That's kinda lame. It's usually some weird neurotic wack job who doesn't know how to live in the world. I don't wanna judge the older contestant on this show because I've spent like 3 minutes with them I'm just gonna take a sip of this tea while I turn to the camera and give you BIG CRAZY EYES. You read into that what you want. Also NONE of these numbers mean OLD. Hell I am old. Maybe older people don't apply to be on the show? I just wish we had more than one each season, or at the very least that the old person wasn't at least 75% INSANE.

We interrupt my soapbox for an important announcement.

TWINS.

WE HAVE TWINS. I KNOW I SAID IT BEFORE BUT THEY'RE TAKING UP A LOT OF AIR TIME SO OH MY GOD LOOK ALL CAPS WE HAVE TWINS ON A TV SHOW. WOW. DID YOU HEAR ME? TWINS. TWO PEOPLE WHO LOOK ALIKE WHO WERE BORN AT THE SAME TIME FROM THE SAME MOTHER. GOOGLE IT. WOW.

OMG you guys this can't be a gimmick, nah not at all. They talk so much you're going to cry. These two spent 5 months making an outfit for Katy Perry and OMG SHHHH. They talk a lot. Like so much. They're the most memorable (SO FAR), but there are clearly a lot of characters on the show so NEXXXXXT. I can't wait for the focus to shift off of these two to someone else. Sure. Fine. They're charming, but ... HUSH YA MOUTH.

A bus shows up while everyone is standing around being awkward and Tim and Heidi pop out. Why? Why is this happening? I'll tell you why. Because we need our next THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED EVER IN THE HISTORY OF PROJECT RUNWAY moment. It's the 16th season, and these two are doing their thing. Heidi is glowing and gorgeous and Tim looks like he has been in a coffin since we last saw him. GET A LIGHT LAMP GURL, VISIT A TANNING BOOTH, GET A SPRAY TAN, WALK OUTSIDE? SOMETHING. YOU'RE TOO WHITE. It ain't right. I mean there's white and then there's dead, Ya know? I'm not sure Tim is alive. Can someone run and check his Vitamin D levels, he might need a booster.

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HERE WE GO!

The designers have to create a red carpet look that shows who they are as a designer. Tons of models come off of the bus, so I guess there was almost a point for the bus riding onto set beyond making PROJECT RUNWAY HERSTORY. I mean you gotta put them girls somewhere. Here's something really new and (no shade) exciting ... the models are a variety of sizes. BUT LIKE FOR REAL. They range in sizes from 2 to 22 ... which is, all jokes aside ... HISTORIC for the show and bad ass. The models are randomly assigned and omg I am excited.

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Also... there's a new model confessional. Like they talk about their designer or their feelings or like whatever while looking into a mirror? It's like a giant selfie facebook live sort of thing? I think I love it. BUT REALLY? OH MY GOD. So much drama potential. I can't wait until the shiz really hits the fan. This will be GREAT.

The twins. dude. They're talking again. I hope they leave first. They talk a lot. Like A LOT A LOT. The only thing more annoying than them is this one dude who somehow made it out of design school without ever really making a dress. Yeah. He only makes menswear and he came to Project Runway. He talks about this a lot. Please don't cry about it because I can't. Have you seen the show ever? Really, girl? Byeeee!

They get a couple minutes to measure their models and $300 and they're off to Mood. Same old same old. They have one day for the challenge. I really wish Tim would whisper DONT FUCK IT UP. Wait. Now I'm desperate for a RuPaul's Drag Race Project Runway crossover.

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE.

There's a tour around the room with Tim. These peeps are cute and talented. I'm excited there doesn't seem to be the token crazy to be kicked off right away. Like there's nobody spitting on fabric or making weird noises or crying or anything. I think these contestants are FOR REAL.

Maybe?

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The model confessional makes the whole design and fitting process feel more like a collaboration than this show has felt in the past. They're telling us what they like and what they're struggling with and that's new and different. I hope this isn't just for the first episode. This new confessions thing might be harder for something like an unconventional challenge maybe, but I love it right now. I'm also digging the plus size model situation. It makes me sad that we haven't seen bigger models before, but good for Project Runway for getting their shit together.

Tim's spin around the room is everything you've missed and are hungry for ... and more. I LOVE TIM I LOVE TIM I LOVE TIM. There are so many designers and everything moves so fast there's no super dramatic moments. It's early ... so you just sorta hold on with the whizzing camera and people running around all over. It's FAST FAST FAST!

And it's runway time! Heidi does her thang. One day you're in and the next day you're out! Heidi's hair is so good it almost makes me want to die. What is she feeding this hair? Is that Biotin? Crack? An all avocado diet? WHAT IS HAPPENING. This not having to deal with Seal thing must really be good for hair. It's so gorgeous I can't even hear what she's saying.

I am a gay homosexual ... THIS PICTURE THO! I found this when I went searching for a pic of her hair and posted this instead because WHAT.

I am a gay homosexual ... THIS PICTURE THO! I found this when I went searching for a pic of her hair and posted this instead because WHAT.

Nina and Zac are back thank god I love them. I mean I really miss Michael Kors but ZP will do I guess. Olivia Munn is guest judging and Tim is watching as usual, the whole thing feels exciting, like we're back home and safe.

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The runway show is really awesome. Again, there are clearly some great and not so great looks like usual, but there's not one total messy designer. This feels awesome and new. You know what else is new? Their background HIGH DRAMA music. Listen. Like really listen. It's different you guys and I am so tense, but in the best possible way.

The way everyone is talking about the plus sized models is maybe a little cringe worthy. One designer even says that she added extra embellishments to hide a model's figure. HOLY COW. We do not know how to speak about people who are not skinny. I don't even know how to talk about it right this minute in describing it for you. We are going to learn some shit this season, y'all. Like ... WHOA ... it's gonna make us all a little uncomfortable but I'm ready. Let's LEARN!

They're doing a lot of behind the scenes stuff when they come back from commercial, which is new and cool. I love that shit. GIVE ME SECRETS THAT AREN'T SECRETS I LOVE IT. We're also getting the judges looking at the winning and losing looks and I love it. Gahhhhh. I mean nobody can throw super shade a design like Nina Garcia ... (AHEM ... as long as Kors ain't around). Whew this part is fun.

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The winner is Deyonte! I mean that's so close to Beyoncé of course he's going to win. His look is a gorgeous giant floral patterned gown. It gives you major Michelle Obama flashbacks and shit now I'm crying because remember Michelle Obama? Deep sigh.

this is the best I could get for you on my phone ... it was A MESS ... but ... I didn't hate it?

this is the best I could get for you on my phone ... it was A MESS ... but ... I didn't hate it?

Who goes home? Cha-cha with his crazy my little pony slash Lisa Frank realness piece. I thought it was kinda fun and I wanted to see more form this dude. Maybe I'm just in a good mood because my favorite show is back and I was trying to ignore what a big hot nasty mess this piece was the whole time. OH well. These first episodes are really hard there are so many contestants to keep track of and watch.

YOU GUYS I LOVE THIS SHOW I AM SO EXCITED! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!