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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

#FREELEA (RHOAUCKLAND RECAP)

#FREELEA (RHOAUCKLAND RECAP)

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Angela and her French personal assistant, Lea, go shopping for a mansion that Angela cannot afford. It’s your typical 7 million dollar hand job of a home so of course it includes an elevator. Angela puts Lea in the elevator because she loves terrifying foreigner/she’s really into Panic Room cosplay. The elevator is like a platform that raises you inside of a box but when it gets to the top it just stops and Lea is freaking out because she’s trapped in a box while her boss, Angela, stands in freedom and yells, “Lea? What can you see?” HER IMPENDING DEATH STOP LAUGHING AND GET HER OUT.

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Michelle calls to invite Angela for coffee so she can body shame her in a new location.

Louise invites Julia and Michelle to come with her to an acting workshop. They do relaxation exercises and yelling exercises and then accent exercises which are a gateway into doing mean impressions of the other housewives. Louise pretends to be Gilda, and then Julia pretends to be Louise and her impression of Louise is basically, “I’m Louise I’m a stuck up bitch who hates Julia because she married a rich man and didn’t inherit her money.” Louise’s reaction is, “You are correct,” and Michelle just stands there and prays for the floor to swallow her. Louise tells us that she likes to wind up Julia on because Julia is an actual moron who is both super easy to freak out and who freaks out in really satisfying ways, like by visibly shaking and crying herself to sleep at night. I don’t understand how this is an argument, though, because Louise thinks that she’s better than Julia and Julia also thinks that Louise is better than Julia.

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Michelle and Angela meet up for coffee. Angela says that she didn’t appreciate Michelle yelling about her protruding tummy in the middle of a party and Michelle says that she doesn’t appreciate Angela’s existence/her being mean to Gilda. Angela agrees to buy Gilda flowers as an apology and I guess that meeting had a point.

Anne meets up with Lea and Angela. Angela tells Anne that Lea crashed her car earlier that day and Lea is clearly upset about this. She’s like a tiny French lamb who’s crying and also bad at driving. Anne speaks French so when Angela leaves the table Anne straight up asks Lea if she’s being held hostage or what. Lea is like, “I am very unhappy but I’m also French so I accept that this is just existence.” And Angela comes back and says, “What were you talking about?” and Anne, gawd love her, does not lie at all and basically says, “I was trying to figure out if Lea is your prisoner or what.” And then they all laugh. Anne says that she may want to steal Lea away because having a French assistant would really help her with her champagne business. IT’S SO NICE WHEN YOU CAN MAKE A PROFIT OFF OF YOUR ALCOHOL PROBLEM.

Gilda has Michelle over and she has a chef make them lunch and they don’t eat what is even the point. Michelle tells Gilda about Julia losing her shit during the acting workshop. Julia is also having the married couples up to her vineyard and Gilda isn’t invited and Gilda is legit relieved. Angela calls Gilda and asks her out for a coffee so she can apologize. She asks if her PA can talk to Gilda’s PA to set up the date and Gilda is like, “I’m normal I don’t have a PA just tell me a date.” Gilda then tells us that she’s agreeing to meet this woman who she openly hates, who openly hates her, because, “I don’t believe in apologies but I do believe in corrected behavior.” Also, the producers are making her.

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Angela takes Lea to see the destoryed car. Angela is upset that the car is smashed up and it’s so gross because she’s like crying and saying, “Oh, the little car,” and Lea is trembling next to her and she doesn’t even for a single second say anything like, “Also, I am glad you are still alive, French slave.” Angela wants Lea to start driving again right away because she refuses to take an Uber.

Julia is so freaked out to have Louise come over to her vineyard that she breaks a wine glass. Julia’s husband is like, “Um, but no one cares.” Julia tells her husband that she wants to prove that she’s as good as Louise and her husband is super nice because he doesn’t say, “Like, that’s not a thing you can do.” Julia, you don’t win by showing this woman who cares nothing for you your big house. You win by not giving a fuck. Julia is trying to turn this storyline so it’s her and Michelle, who married into money, vs. Anne and Louise, who came from money. But like, that’s some rich people bullshit parsing and none of the rest of us care. WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES YOU’RE ALL GOING DOWN SO CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

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Michelle, her husband whose name I can’t bother to remember, Julia, her husband whose name I can’t bother to remember, Anne, her husband whose name I can’t bother to remember, Louise, and her husband whose name I remember is Scott only because he looks like the principal in Community, gather at Julia’s vineyard. They playfully argue about who married who for what reasons and Michelle’s husband is like, “My money!” and Michelle is like, “Your big cock!” And then Anne says, “Money doesn’t buy you class” and someone owns Luann a check.

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Angela and Gilda meet up because they’re the only ones left in Auckland. Gilda says, “Everytime I see her she walks out so I’m hoping she’ll walk out when I get there.” I LOVE GILDA. Gilda arrives in red and black battle fabulous coffee casual gear, and Angela arrives looking like a sail. Gilda tells Angela that she thinks that Angela is fake. Angela responds that she’s not fake at all but she says it in the most fake way, like making her eyes as big as possible because she read once in a book that you can control people’s mind if you just show them the entire whites of your eyes. Angela adds that she’s so real that she’s writing a book on how to be real and Gilda just stares at her. Angela says that she is a brand and Gilda says that she doesn’t want to talk to brands. Gilda leaves and Angela makes a smiley face of rage.

Back at the vineyard, Julia takes the woman into her living room where she has an album of artistic dick pics laid out for them to admire. Anne is uncomfortable so then Julia brings out a vibrating cockring and, I mean, what. Like, it’s not even interesting. You can literally buy that at CVS. Anyway, Louise and Anne are scandalized so then Julia brings out a rabbit vibrator and you’re going to presumably feed these people so maybe save handing around the things you jam in your vagina until after dinner. Anne takes all of this to confirm her theory that people who marry rich men are also whores.

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The women rejoin the men and tell them that they just looked at their sex toys and Julia’s husband turns like bright red and is also turned on, you can tell.

Louise announces that she’s going to take the women on a trip to Australia and Julia is pissed that Louise is one-upping her cockring wine party with a trip announcement. LOUISE ALWAYS WINS.

DEVOUT CHRISTIANS HAVE ALL THE FUN (RHOC RECAP)

DEVOUT CHRISTIANS HAVE ALL THE FUN (RHOC RECAP)

BEYOND THE WALL (GoT RECAP)

BEYOND THE WALL (GoT RECAP)