I am not a particularly observant jew--unless crippling neuroses is a mark of Jewish orthodoxy, in which case I’m extremely pious--but I’m not in the market for another religion either. But DAMN, Lydia and Doug sure make devout, traditional Christianity seem awfully sweet. Like “two luxury cars, a helicopter ride, a wine tasting, and jewelry for your birthday” kind of sweet. Their sect of Christianity is all like “Come for the Jesus, stay for all the gold in the Vatican.”
But first Vicki Gunvalson serves dinner to her two lovely children and adorable grandsons, a ritual she engages in with such genuine love and care that you almost forget for a moment that she is the Cersei Lannister of the OC (without the brother-fucking...I assume). Vicki wants more grandchildren and tells her son Michael that he needs to “to mate” with his girlfriend asap. Michael’s like “Mom you’re so gross, stop embarrassing me.” But he’s also thinking “Mom, I’m super relieved you broke up with the abusive guy that faked cancer, so talk about my sex life all you want. Whatever keeps you from dating a human nuclear waste site.”
Then it’s over to new mom and total snoozer Meghan King Edmonds who facetimes with her husband Jim who is away for work, as always. Meghan coos that she misses Jim, and Jim coos into a hamburger he’s mowing down because he’d rather be intimate with cooked meat than with his wife.
Then we’re back to Lydia who is celebrating her 36th birthday, which I guess is a huge milestone because Doug gives her:
A $90K “mom” SUV
An $180K Aston Martin
A helicopter ride to Catalina
If this is Lydia’s 36th birthday, is Doug going to purchase a small country for Lydia’s 40th? Sweden perhaps??? That seems innocuous enough.
Then Lydia demands that Doug push her face into her birthday cake, which is probably some weird Christian kink that DOES NOT appeal to me but if it means stacks of cars and helicopters, you can bake my face into a cake for all I care. Hell, replace my head with a birthday cake. Just give me those sweet sweet bday gifts.
Next, we meet up with Kelly Dodd and her husband, Michael, for a romantic dinner where Kelly orders a ton of food for the table and balks when Michael asks for something a little lighter than lobster mac and cheese, tacos, burgers, more mac and cheese, and booze. Michael admires Kelly’s love of socializing and Kelly recoils at his compliments and blames their age gap for their marital woes. Because Kelly’s manic behavior, unhinged temper, and drinking problem would be totally fine if Michael was just an itty little bit younger.
Then it’s off to another sham marriage where Shannon prepares a healthy meal for her family, while her husband David eats chips in her face as if to say, “each (crunch) of these (crunch) chips represents (crunch) how much I do not (crunch) value you or love you (crunch crunch crunch).” Shannon also announces that she wants to open a healthy and affordable restaurant and David seems skeptical. This is the point in a Maury Pauvich show where the audience shrieks ‘LEAVE HIM’ to Shannon. Also, hot Game of Thrones take: Anyone else think that David is the Night King?
Then we’re off to Lydia and Doug’s NOBLEMAN Magazine launch party. Half the women dress in lace because if you look like a doily, no one can tell how old you are. Lydia insists she wants no drama at this very important party for a very irrelevant magazine but spends most of the party trying to broker peace talks between sworn enemies, Tamra and Vicki. Seems like even squeaky clean Lydia likes to roll around in shit once and awhile.
Peggy tells Tamra that everyone needs to get over their issues and Tamra freaks the fuck out because if she doesn’t hold grudges, there will be no drama and then she can kiss her $350K/season paycheck goodbye and also because Vickie said mean things about her family.
Also, a few of the ladies seem to be questioning why Peggy got a double mastectomy because America is crying out for another fake cancer scheme on this show. Seems like we’re gearing up for Peggy to eat a lot of shit this season.
Finally, Bravo is throwing some petty shade at Shannon with a lot of clips of Shannon looking for food. I would say I expect more of Bravo producers but that’s a lie. These may not be the clips I want, but for watching Bravo religiously, they’re the clips I deserve.