I’m mostly skipping over episode 5 because last week I went to go see the eclipse but then I got caught in a traffic jam that trapped me in Kentucky for 10 hours and I’m just now recovering. Also, not much happened in episode 5 while episode 6 should be mandatory viewing for all school children.
Main takeaways from episode 5:
Anne’s nephew is THE MOST
They all go to Port Douglas, Australia
The packing takes like half of the episode
They all bring 6 dozen bikinis
They all plan to not fight
Angela brings her PA Lea with her on the trip because I guess it’s a Jessica Jones situation and if Lea is away from Angela’s voice for more than four hours she might remember that she doesn’t need any of this bullshit.
A waiter spills their cocktails
Angela thinks that she once had an affair because she when she was 17 she held hands with a dude who had a girlfriend.
The producers hate Angela very much because during a scene of her getting a manicure they showed us this:
On to episode 6! HOLY FUCK YOU GUYS EPISODE 6. This show was filmed a while back and already shown in New Zealand and when I started recapping it people said GIRL EPISODE SIX WAIT FOR IT. And I’m here and, I mean, white people are garbage on every continent #themoreyouknow.
We open in Port Douglas and the girls are all getting on a boat which like, as a Real Housewife, don’t let them pen you in like that. You have to always make sure that you always have an out. The thing about a boat is that you cannot easily leave the boat, hence it tends to be a scene where shit gets really real really fast. LIKE ON THIS EPISODE.
The women get on the boat and the producers are doing so much to make us feel like things are going to be OK, even playing a song with lyrics, “It’s a beautiful day, see a million colors and you’ll feel brand new it’s a beautiful day it’s a beautiful day,” so you know that it is, in fact, about to be the worst day of their lives. Anne and Lydia post up on a lower deck and talk about how well everything is going and then they spot a shark in the water and the music picks up like maybe things won’t work out after all. The shark of unexamined racism circles the boat like, “Wait for it…”
Michelle tells us that, while she was helping Gilda onto the sun lounger on the boat, Julia said, “Oh Gilda, don’t treat Michelle like your house [a word that Jay-Z can say].” And first off, come on producers, you have cameras, get that shit on film. Second, obviously Julia is new to this game because even though it wasn’t on film she owns up to immediately and says it was, “A stupid joke.” And, I mean, wow, wow, WOW. Julia just showed her racist ass and is so nervous about it that you know she says that all of time, like once a day.
Michelle tells Julia it’s not OK, and Julia runs below deck to Angela where she cries and wonders what she can possibly say to make it right. Like, jumping into the ocean to atone for your horror show of a life could work. I honestly can’t think of anything else.
Michelle and Gilda talk and go back and forth between crying tears of frustration and rage and deciding not to cry because they won’t allow Julia to get the better of them to crying again because OH DEAR GOD to realizing that Julia is the worst racist asshole to saying that Julia is just an idiot and they shouldn’t bother with her.
Angela counsels Julia that she needs to apologize and be the bigger person and like that is not possible in this here scenario. Julia is the smallest, tiniest speck of a person.
Going upstairs, Michelle catches Julia’s eye and lets her know that she sucks, her life sucks, her choices sucks, she’s not nice, she’s extra mean, she’s an ignorant little bitch, and you know how Julia was so concerned that everyone thought she was a gold digger well that was right on because she is 100% a gold digger.
So then Julia decides to follow Michelle upstairs to apologize and like, no, honey, no, now is not the time. The thing about saying a horrific, racist thing to another person is that you don’t get to immediately feel better about yourself. Julia just used a term that exists in order to strip the humanity away from black people, made them feel less than, so while Michelle is dealing with all of that she does not also need to make Julia feel better about it. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR RACIST ASS WHITE FEELINGS.
But Julia’s the worst, so she pushes it. She tries to clarify that she didn’t call Michelle a house [redacted] but instead she called her a boat [redacted] and Michelle is like WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS A BOAT [REDACTED] EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE. And Julia’s like, “I really don’t know,” and Michelle is like *throws a drink in Julia’s face*.
So then Julia runs back downstairs to get the other women to console her. Angela and Anne participate in the fuckery that is consoling the woman who used a terrible racial slur about their friend while doing nothing to reach out to the friend who was called the terrible racial slur. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GO CHECK ON MICHELLE. Louise sits back like, “Yeah, Julia doesn’t think before she speaks and is also dumb and is also a racist so, I don’t care for her.”
Back at the hotel, Lea irons Angela’s handkerchief while Angela explains the boat situation to her boyfriend in the most round-about nonsensical way while he stares at her like, “Please stop talking.”
The next day, the white ladies take a helicopter ride to a rain forest to do some bullshit laughing yoga, while Michelle and Gilda stay back to enjoy a peaceful afternoon without hate crimes.
You guys, the laughing yoga teacher has the worst hair.
She leads them in super basic improv exercises and then starts reading auras and notices that Julia’s aura is actual poop. The yoga teacher spends a lot of time filling Julia with love and light and Julia cries because she didn’t mean any harm and COME THE FUCK ON. When you are wrong you need sit in your wrongness and be wrong - you don’t get to just get your aura scrubbed clean and be forgiven, especially when the woman you so deeply wounded ISN’T EVEN IN THE ROOM.
The next day, the women all lounge together by the pool together and have cocktails and everyone refuses to talk to Julia except for Angela. Angela is wearing a white swimsuit and her self-tanner rubs off onto her bikini line and it’s proof that God exists and wants us to be happy.
The women get back to Auckland. Julia and her husband talk about how many times she called him while she was on the trip and they don’t mention her screaming at him to get their lawyers to prevent Bravo from letting this storyline happen, which I have no corroboration for but which I’m also 100% sure happened.
Julia and Michelle meet up so Julia can apologize and Julia starts this meeting looking legit terrified.
Julia: I’m an idiot.
Julia: I would have said that to anybody.
Michelle: In no way is that argument going to help you. Try again.
Julia: I once talked to a Polynesian.
Michelle: Try again.
Julia: I hate myself.
Julia: Don’t lecture me.
Michelle: I will do legitimately whatever I want and you will take it.
Julia: I am scared of you so yes.
Michelle: I don’t like to hold on to grudges.
Juila: You are a beautiful proud black woman.
Michelle: *suppresses the urge to smash a glass on Julia’s head*
Julia: Can you forgive me?
Julia: Can you accept my apology?
Michelle: If that means this conversation will end then sure, I will say out loud that you apologized to me and I listened to it.
Julia: Whew! That’s a load off my mind.
Michelle: Go home and watch Roots.