THE TWINS ARE TRASH (PROJECT RUNWAY RECAP)

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What are these size queens up to this week? Will somebody cry because they got a size 12 model? Will somebody sew their thumb to a leather strap? Will Tim have visited a tanning bed since we last saw him?  WHO CAN SAY! I’ll tell you what, I’m just gonna look right at you with giant eyes and say JC PENNY ACCESSORY WALL. LOL WHAT. JC PENNY? Is that place still open? They have accessories? How about we take a couple deep breaths and imagine Heidi Klum wearing an outfit she found at JC Penny. What would that look like? Don't judge me. I'm a poor person! I just think it's hilarious they're trying to make us think PR is on a budget. Whatevs. Let’s just hope those damned twins get less screen time.

The group walks into a giant recycling center. Tim (still the whitest person alive) greets the group with news of their first unconventional materials challenge. These MFs act like they're shocked, which makes me think they've also been to acting school. YOURE IN A ROOM FULL OF TRASH ... did you think this was the dress the children of Brooklyn challenge? And and AND ... as if making a dress out of a pile of juice boxes isn’t terrible enough, this challenge will also be their first group challenge. The group is split into three teams. Group challenges are the worst. We don't even really know these people yet, how can this be good television. You’ll be happy to know the twins do not get separated. Oh, JK. I take it back. You know these two genetic miracles are going to do cartwheels or eat recycled sequins or shave their heads or something insane. I'm shocked that we're two episodes in and I have such strong feelings for these two. Have you ever immediately wanted a contestant to be abducted by aliens, fed to lions, dropped in a vat of acid, eaten alive by bumble bees? Let's hope they burst into flames so we never have look at them again. (I SWEAR I AM A NICE PERSON). The winning team’s look will be featured in Marie Claire.

Tim sets the teams loose and they stuff all of the garbage they can into a giant trash bin for themselves. Each designer has a new model this time around, so that should be interesting. EVERYONE will have the chance to design for a person who is more than a size two. HOW DID WE MAKE IT 900 YEARS WATCHING THIS SHOW BEFORE THIS SIZE VARIETY THING HAPPENED. Of course, right away these fools start making faces about the “curvy” girls. DEAR DESIGN SCHOOLS: TEACH THESE BABIES ABOUT REAL BODIES. GAH. Tim tells the teams they have until 10:30pm to work and, “cohesion Cohesion COHESION.

Right away the twins start getting into it. I KNOW. SHOCKING AND NEW INFORMATION. Try to contain yourself. Baldy (shaved head twin) gets upset because her team’s aesthetic isn’t jiving with her. She has a tiny melt down while looking around the room because everyone is going girly and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. What is their deal? Were these two locked in a lab by an evil doctor for their entire lives? Is this the first time they've ever had to deal with the outside world? Long haired sister doesn't seem all that bad, at least she isn't acting like a character from a Stephen King novel ... I MEAN YET.

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Baldy was in the bottom last time with her tin foil shorts and Grecian Goddess half shirt mess. Just the memory of last week is stressing her out. AGAIN, When contestants pull this mess I'm always curious ... HAVE YOU WATCHED THIS SHOW. I'm stressed out most of the time and I'm not even charged with making outfits for other people on television. WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GONNA HAVE TO DO? HOW DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE. GAH. She’s overwhelmed because she was in the bottom AND THIS WEEK she has a plus sized model, a group challenge, AND has to make a look out of unconventional materials. Bish. GROW UP. She’s lost, apparently? I get the stress, but like don't give me this surprised face.

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The other teams seem to be working it out, they’re stressed and confused but they’re not being THE TWINS about it. Tim comes in and takes a tour around the room. The teams seem to be really killing this challenge even though, at least at first, some are farther along and more or less cohesive than others. They give you some super dramatic and scary music to stress you out AND Tim even says he’s worried. BUT! Let’s not forget this is a super hard challenge, so everybody calm down. ALSO. DO NOT FORGET. This is a TV show don’t be fooled by this DRAMA CLUB music. I can’t wait to see what they do (stress eats a gallon of ice cream).

WHEW LORD. The model confessional is suddenly back. The models were expecting super crazy outfits and are surprised they aren’t wearing coke can dresses. LOL MODELS ARE FUNNY (not). There are also bitchy models complaining about having to wear plastic bags and random stuff.

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WAIT. WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF HELL is wrong with this girl Batini-Khalfani.  You might not remember her name (GAH BE NICE TO YOURSELF THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND SHOW) but you will remember she was in the bottom last week for that weird grey thing? The grey thing that was bad enough on its own, but she went ahead and added some weird doily mess to the waist to, “HIDE THE MODEL’S PROBLEM AREA.” That nearly gave me a rage stroke to type. Fat shaming will just pop out and try to wear a costume. LORD HELP US. This week Tim gives her a strong critique. AND AGAIN she goes into the confessional dressed to the nines and looking like the world’s most stylish person. So clearly this girl is ALL CAPS TALENTED. So what gives? Is she psyching her self out? Is she nervous? YOUR OWN LOOKS ARE INCREDIBLE … translate that to the runway my friend I AM INTO YOU. WE ALL ARE. (PS. YOU ARE). I hope she can get it together, calm down, and DO HER WORK ... she's fun and I can't wait to see what she's going to wear to her confessionals every week.

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YAY! We meet someone new this week. Sentell takes a break from the crazy workroom and goes and calls his husband. Apparently he got married THE DAY BEFORE Project Runway started. There are some tears here, and all I can do is think this dude might be dumb. WHO WOULD GET MARRIED THE DAY BEFORE YOU HAVE TO GO INTO HIDING FOR THE REALITY TV SHOW YOU'RE ON? WHO. Is anyone on this show playing with a full deck? The newlyweds talk and it’s cute. Sentell is SUPER stressed and emotional, I mean obvi. There isn’t a more stressful show on TV other than when we see the press-room at the White House. And yet ... how you gonna act surprised, Sentell. HOW.

AND BACK TO DRAMA CLUB.

This one twin Sean is running around like a chicken with her head cut off. She keeps redesigning and reworking, but mostly she looks like she’s running around in circles. Girlfriend is clearly about to self-destruct or run into traffic. Her team is handling it like champs though. It’s a good thing we're only on the second challenge, otherwise I’m sure these other folks would light this girl on fire and throw her out the window. SHE IS A SPAZ and barring some miracle is gonna bring this team down.

We spin around the room and get a taste a few of the designs. A few of the models give us their feelings about the look their wearing. OMG. I LOVE THE CONFESSIONALS. Some of these girls are wearing full on trash bag dresses. One of my favorite things about this show is how there's always so much drama that you don't really know what the clothes are going to look like until they hit the runway ... EVEN THOUGH they're taking the time to show them to us. They could focus on Baldy all day long but then her look might be a miracle. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW! This is going to be a super cool runway show.

AAAAAAAND. It is. Some looks are obviously better than others, but it's a fun show with a lot of good stuff. It is crazy what these nerds did with garbage. It’s really amazing. The winning team is “Ballin’ on a Budget” with their newspaper chic looks. The collection is super cohesive and creative. More than anything it’s crazy cool.

Ballin' on a Budget

Ballin' on a Budget

NIGHTMARE TWIN TEAM

NIGHTMARE TWIN TEAM

The twin’s team is in the bottom, which really came down to their looks being less daring and creative compared to the other groups. They also had a couple looks where the models look like they're wearing garbage. Our new friend Sentall, for instance, his dress is made of green garbage bags. Like it looks like this model is just wearing green garbage bags, it's fine but there clearly wasn't much work that went into it (or at least it doesn't look like it).

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When Heidi starts asking questions of the group the team slowly falls apart. She tells baldy twin that she doesn’t mind her look and Sentell, says I MADE THAT. The twins get annoyed and Baldy starts talking about how hard it was to work with a “curvy” girl. It’s super insulting. One ofjudges is overheard on camera saying SHE’S SKINNIER THAN I AM. All of the judges are horrified THANK GOD because this is a disaster. When asked who should go home, all of the designers said Baldy should go home, except for the twins of course.

ONE OR BOTH OF THOSE BITCHES BETTER GO. THEY MAKE ME CRAZY.

Ayana with her Muslim fringe madness is pretty rad and wins the challenge. I love that her whole mission is to make clothes for a very conservative woman who also wants to be fashionable. Clothes with a purpose. I LOVE IT.

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Baldy and Sentell are in the bottom. Her look is a bad prom dress, and his is basically a trash bag dress. Sentell gets canned. Well, I’m sad because these twins are terrible, but at least Sentell gets to go home and see his husband. These twins ran around the whole time acting like jackasses while talking about “CURVY” girls and making everyone do their work.

The twins are garbage. THEY NEED TO GO.