Well, girl. We are back in Mexico. I love Mexico, it’s my favorite. My sister got married there a couple of years ago and I was like ... WHY DONT I LIVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL PLACE. It's amazing, but also: NEXXXXXT. Three episodes of a vacation I can't afford to take? Whatever, who am I kidding THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I WATCH THIS SHOW. Also? Holy Smokes these ladies have never gotten along so well ever in the history of the show, so let me hang out and see if Bethenny is going to finally strangle some poor Heaux to death before this hour is up.
MARIACHI SOUNDS ... and just like that we're back at this gorgeous infinity pool gettin’ therapized by the one and only Sonja Morgan. LOL WHAT? She is FUBARED (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) and she has therapy diarrhea of the mouth. She’s telling Ramona that she can see that she is not happy. It's A LOT obvi, because well ... you've met Sonja, you know what's up. You might think Ramons is gonna be aggressive and punch her, but nah this is her girl so she takes some deep breaths. Though, Ramona does fight back a little and says she's fine with the life she has now and how her life is without a man OR Mario. MKAYYY. PS. Have you guys seen Mario lately? Check this pic. I don't know who this fetus is that he's hanging with but ... Mario's pretty hot. He could get it, y'all. Whatevs. I'm getting off track here. Maybe I'm contact DRUNK. LOL. It's becoming clearer and CLEARER that Sonja is super duper SHIT FACED. She starts making weird sexual gestures to LuAnn (and everyone else) and is screaming her love for Tequila.
This vacation is turning into the sorority girl party your of your husband's dreams. This is some serious GIRLS GONE WILD shiz. All of sudden we realize it might not just be Sonja who is eff'd up. It's the whole crew. All of these girls are sauced. EVERYBODY is shit housed. How do we know? Because even queen of control Bethenny is starting to get goofy. Girlfriend is on her phone (OMG INTERNATIONAL MINUTES ARE EXPENSIVE SOMEBODY IS RICH, BITCH). B is on the phone talking and starts playing with her boobs ... AT Sonja. Then she flashes her. Sonja is acting like a teenage boy and is cat calling Bethenny. It's hilarious. Sonja (who might be a part time lifeguard at The Lady Pond ... if ya know what I mean) is making all of these weird noises and THEN rips her clothes off and jumps in the pool. IS THERE A FULL MOON WHAT IS HAPPENING? Then suddenly Sonja gets naked and runs in the pool and Ramona shows Carole her boobs. Carole ain't having it though, why would she Adam is at home waiting for her she don't need these 60 year old titties.
WHAT IS HAPPENING. TEQUILA MAKES PEOPLE CRAZY.
Then just when you think the world is as crazy and wild as it can get ... Bethenny and Ramona have a heart to heart in the pool. I know. I KNOW IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW. Bethenny tells Ramona she doesn't hate her, she just doesn’t like her now because of the things she has said to her and how she has been treating her. They apologize to each other and they’re crying and screaming and hugging all while balancing on pool noodles.
TEQUILA MAKES PEOPLE CRAZY.
You guys. The show is 11 minutes in … I can’t keep up with this. My fingers are smoking from typing fast while watching the show. IT IS INSANE.
Everybody sorta gets it together and gets ready for dinner. These people are champions. How does one even have all of these things happen in the same day. They were just on a tequila tasting and now they're gonna get refreshed and sexy for dinner. LOL HOWW. TEACH ME. Bethenny arrives first. Guess how happy she is to be the only person sitting at the dinner table. She waits for everyone for what she says is an hour and a half and then ... goes all BETHENNY. Well, BETHENNY GOTTA BETHENNY, Y'ALL. She starts yelling at everyone and knocking on doors. She hates that she is always early and the first one to dinner. She’s on a warpath and Dorinda cannot handle it. She wants Bethenny to chill since they’re all on vacation. I'm desperate for her to yell, CLIP CLIP CLIP, but she doesn't. She just makes the hand gesture, which I guess is totally enough. I mean she's consumed an entire tequila farm I guess I'll leave her alone.
Then Dorinda starts getting loud and it’s SLUR TOWN. You can’t really tell what the hell she’s saying. While she’s being wild, she cuts her hand open with her dinner knife. Like there’s blood on the table, it’s serious.
TEQUILA MAKES PEOPLE CRAZY.
They’re wrapping up Dorinda’s hand and D goes in on Bethenny about being a super woman. The situation sorta kinda almost calms down and there are loud noises, which turns out is a fireworks show. It’s adorable and cute and a little bit of a deep breath, but then Dorinda and Bethenny get into it again. It's basically a lot of slurring and nasal New York noises. You know, like usual.
Bethenny and Dorinda get into it again, not as bad as the night before but there’s definitely bad blood. It’s really just about TEQUILA but everyone is hungover and tired now so everything is a mess. BUT Bethenny doesn't really do gentle and pokes and D a little AND Dorinda takes a minute to see what she's done. Again. TEQUILA DID THIS EVERYBODY BE NICE. I should be on the show, that's what I'd say. Don't these bitches need a best gay, anyways? I mean THEY DO. Here I am. TAKE ME.
Whatevs. Everyone goes to yoga and chills out for a while, and then Dorinda finds Bethenny and apologizes. They talk it out. Bethenny cries because she’s sensitive and has anxiety about her HUGE success. BOOM. Everything is right in the world again. I'm sorta proud of B for admitting that, is girlfriend in therapy? This is a big AHA Moment. Where's Oprah. Should we call Oprah? THIS IS HUGE.
Ramona, Carole and Tinsley go on a yacht for the afternoon. They gossip about how mean Sonja is to Tinsley because of course. We learn that Tins is happy with her new dude, as happy as someone could be with a dude they’ve known for like 15 minutes. She’s so ready to have a new relationship. SO READY that our girl is flying to meet him in Las Vegas once the trip is done. LORD. LORD. LORD. They also have drinks and run around and go swimming and fishing. It’s fun and cute AF. They decide that since they didn’t catch a fish, they’ll stop and buy one so they can show off to the other girls back at the villa.
I'd show this to you, but this was seriously the least interesting thing that happened during the show and so the internet doesn't wanna give you pics of it. So enjoy this pic of Sonja jumping into the pool BUTT ASS NAKED.
Sonja, Bethenny, LuAnn get a massage. They gossip about what a bad houseguest Tinsley is for Sonja because of course. It looks nice but also kinda lame. Why can’t Sonja ever be happy and supportive for other people? I don’t know why she’s dragging Tins down. I mean being super into a guy after 15 minutes is annoying, but CHILL OUT GIRL. LET T. BE HAPPY. (Hi. I know I just made fun of T like 3 words ago ... it's called comedy ZIP IT).
They all go back home, nobody is fighting! WHAT IS HAPPENING. They get ready for dinner and as far as we can tell NOBODY IS LATE and BETHENNY ISN'T SITTING ALONE WAITING FOR ANYONE. Thank GAHHHHD. At dinner they all tell their favorite and least favorite part of the trip. They’re all cute except LuAnn who says her favorite part of the trip was her husband. What a turd. Her husband wasn’t even there. The girls scream and yell and pretend to be sick.
Holy Cow. Has any Housewives trip been this successful? HOW CAN NEXT WEEK BE THE FINALE? I love these girls. What am I gonna do when they aren’t in my life every Wednesday?