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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SPARTAN RACE TO THE BOTTOM (RHOC RECAP)

SPARTAN RACE TO THE BOTTOM (RHOC RECAP)

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You know those extreme obstacle races that your super athletic friends do when crossfit just isn’t enough for them? The ones where they leap over fire and crawl through mud to prove how physically and mentally superior they are to you? Fuck those friends. Anyway, one of those races was the centerpiece of this RHOC episode and it made me want to jump off a bridge. It's called the Spartan Race because you have to be very strong and equally boring to participate.

Tamra and Eddie are training to be Spartans but in between straddling a climbing wall and sprint drills, Tamra finds time to complain about Peggy’s “resting bitch face”. Eddie kindly reminds Tamra that some people are born looking like they smell shit all the time.

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Lydia and Doug are also training for the Spartan race and with Jesus in their hearts and personal trainers by their sides, they’re going to be the hottest couple in church. Lydia reveals that she is training for this race to impress Doug (and Jesus). Honestly, if my marriage depended on my participation in one of these monstrous events, you’d be witnessing my story on Oxygen’s Snapped:  the fascinating cases of women accused of murder. Later, Lydia tells her son that she’ll be jumping over fire and climbing through mud and he bursts into tears because he’s read about this in Revelations 13:13 and it did not end well.

Then there’s a sad shot of Shannon at the gym where she’s just trying to balance on two tiny bosu balls. Shannon won’t be participating in the Spartan Race. Shannon has to stand on these two balls until she loses all the weight she gained and finds happiness in her marriage.

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Later, Shannon and Peggy meet for drinks and Shannon becomes totally disoriented when Peggy reveals that she had a double mastectomy but tested negative for the BRCA gene. Shannon seems unsure if Peggy even had cancer and OH GOD SAVE ME from another fake cancer plot line. I would rather participate in a Spartan Race than watch another season of these Heaux-NONE OF WHOM ARE DOCTORS-argue over someone else’s diagnosis.  

Meanwhile, Meghan’s maternal instincts are telling her babies are annoying and are so, like, selfish, and like, to be the best mom to her dumb baby, she needs to be an amateur model. Especially because all the baby weight she gained was transferred to Shannon and now Meghan’s skinnier than ever. Meghan does a photoshoot for some designer’s lookbook and the dresses scream ‘mother of the bride’, but who cares because Meghan is still hot. I know this because she says it a million times and then forces the designer to say it too. Maybe Meghan will leave her baby with the designer.

Across town, Peggy and Diko grab lunch and Peggy demands that Diko do the ‘butterfly,’ a game where he claps his hands over his face and pretends to be a butterfly. He does it in front of the waitress and the waitress is duly freaked out and Peggy and Diko cackle maniacally. Peggy declares that the secret to a good marriage is having fun together and mocking wait staff who earn minimum wage.

Vickie and Kelly visit a chakra shop where they hold what looks like an internet modem to get their chakras read. Vicki’s chakras are totally chill which is proof that the chakra machine is broken. Kelly tells Vickie that she’s hanging out with some of the other ladies and Vickie seems perturbed but her chakras are still so chill, because Vicki is totally sane. This makes me want to dedicate my entire life to the destruction of chakra machines.

Eddie, Tamra, Shannon, and David grab dinner at a steakhouse where Shannon and Tamra gossip about Peggy’s double mastectomy. I’m going to give myself a double mastectomy if it can distract me from the anguish of this storyline. BravoTV producers!!! I beseech you to step away from the fake cancer storyline. Then Shannon whines that David has been preparing for the Spartan race 24/7 and has been neglecting his family. David, Tamra, and Eddie suggest that Shannon work out with him, but Shannon’s like “no, all I can do is balance on tiny rubber half balls. Leave me be.” It’s all very sad and I know girl is going to weep about this footage in the reunion.

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On the day of the race, Shannon opts to go drinking with Meghan and Kelly-her previously sworn enemy-rather than cheering on her husband. Meghan paints her face all sorts of weird colors because she’s not a stay at home mom, she’s an irish fairy who wants to fly away and ignore that dumb baby. Shannon and Kelly both apologize to each other for treating each other like shit. And under the influence of lots of booze, the world is peaceful for a moment. But probably not for long.

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THE COMING GYNECOCRACY (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

THE COMING GYNECOCRACY (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

BEHOLD DANIEL: A LIVING, BREATHING DICK PIC (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

BEHOLD DANIEL: A LIVING, BREATHING DICK PIC (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)