I love getting in on the ground floor of some nonsense and here we have a whole lot. The most remarkable thing about this show is that most cast members are actual housewives, which is such a breath of fresh air I can’t tell you. I thought housewives, as a group, had gone extinct because whenever one appears Andy Cohen casts her and 7 months later she’s divorced.
The intro voiceover tells us that Auckland is full of rich people. Sure? Sure.
We start with Louise, whose tagline is “I made my money the old fashioned way - I inherited it!” She used to be the, “You are the weakest link – goodbye!” lady in New Zealand but she did a really odd reading of that line – she said it very fast and this is probably why that game show no longer exists. Anyway, Louise owns a theater company call Tadpole Theater Productions and holy shit that is a bad name. Her daddy and grandaddy were rich and that’s why she is rich and also a snob. She has: a gardener, an ironing lady, a pool boy, a lawn guy, and a handyman. Her husband Scotty looks like the principal in Communitybut used to be a professional rugby player so he once had nice thighs. Louise is doing the voice over for the show I guess she’s supposed to be our touchstone housewife, which makes sense because she’s super relatable – JK LOL x a million.
Next housewife we’re introduced to is Gilda, who’s tagline is, “I never start a fight I can’t win,” so you know she’s going to be extra fun. She immigrated to New Zealand from Iran and her jewelry is everything. She married a 70 year old when she was in her 20s and Erica Jayne could never. She has a 2 year old and a 7 month old and like how is she even standing. She also just divorced the 70 year old and is a trained architect and goddamn that is a degree. She was 7 years old during the Iranian Revolution and the following Iran-Iraq war so she’s seen some shit and, you guys, we’re five minutes in and have like 4 more housewives to meet but I don’t care, I’m 100% TEAM GILDA. She’s the kind of bitch who flees a country, moves to your country, takes your old ass rich men, marries them, steals his sperm, and then gives him the boot. HERE. FOR. GILDA.
Next up is Julia, tagline: “If people are talking behind your back then you’re the one in front.” Um…they definitely let them write these themselves. Julia is newly married and says that she likes to look good which is weird because she doesn’t look good. She says, “I can walk into a room and people are going to look at me. And I like that,” and, I mean, maybe they’re just being polite? Like, when someone walks in a room you look at them to just acknowledge their presence? It’s not that deep. Anyway, Julia did lots of commercials in the 80s and they show us video and Robin Sparkles just got her wig snatched. But, one thing I don’t get is that Julia’s face is an actual rectangle so how is it that people paid her for it? Her husband is a bit older than her but Gilda set the age-difference scandal bar so high no one cares about her lame ass 15 year age gap. Anyway, her husband buys her $45,000 painting that looks like a Trapper Keeper.
The ladies are getting together to see a fashion show and also meet each other for the first time. Louise, Gilda, and Julia arrive first and then in comes Angela. Angela is a fashion stylist and the goddamn worst. I mean, her tagline is “My name may be Stone, but everything I touch turns to gold,” so she’s obviously an idiot. She wears a lot of cream and Louise says that Angela often looks like a sail, and Louise has a terrible haircut but she isn’t wrong. Gilda thinks that Angela is amazing at first sight but then Angela gives each of the ladies a copy of her book called “The Style Guide” and *just*like*that* it is ON because giving strangers your own book the first time they meet you is awful.
Angela is divorced and divides her time between Christchurch and Auckland and I refuse to Google how far apart those two places are only because I don’t give a single shit about Angela. She’s a model and she says that she’s all about allowing women to love themselves as she also hawks a powder women who love themselves can use to cover their gray roots. The producers obviously want us to hate Angela because they show us video of her sitting in a field and throwing leaves in the air and my God. Her three children and two step children are in Christchurch and she gets to see them every other week so that must have been a rough divorce.
So we’re all at the fashion show and Angela takes this opportunity to share her expertise in terms of fashion and styling by talking without taking a breath until everyone else at the table wants her dead. After mentioning her fifth job, teaching teenagers a styling class, Louise asks Angela what her ultimate goal is and Angela says she wants to Oprah and then Gilda says that then maybe she should STFU because Oprah doesn’t talk this much. And Angela shuts up and the other women are like, “Same” and YES GILDA GET IT.
Michelle is the next housewife we meet and her tagline is “I used to strut my stuff on the cat walk, now I’m the model housewife.” She is so fucking beautiful that she makes Cynthia Bailey look like a hobo. I’m immediately deeply in love with Michelle. She used to be a model and they show some of her work and she is legit. She’s been married for 17 years and there are no handrails on her staircase so she and her husband bicker about it but her house OMG HER HOUSE. It’s very modern but it’s in the country so they have horses that Michelle openly hates. Like a reverse Lisa Vanderpump.
Gilda meets up with Michelle and tells her exactly why to hate Angela which is basically, “She exists and it’s tragic.”
We meet our last housewife, Anne, who introduces herself as “the champagne lady” as though that’s an actual thing. Her tagline is “I’m like a fine champagne: I bubble, I fizz, and I’m the life of the party.” She says that champagne is the only drink a woman can drink and still remain beautiful. Did you know that alcoholism doesn’t count if the booze you drink is expensive? True story. Point is, she and Heather Dubrow and Charrisse from Potomoac need to file lawsuits against each other for trademark infringement. Anne has been engaged 7 times and describes most of her ex-fiancées as “darlings.” She is the size of a tiny doll and is definitely pushing 70 but is in full denial and I’m not mad at her. Her current husband doesn’t seem to speak, but when they get home at night they open up their French doors and turn up the music full blast and awkwardly teeter around until the neighbors call the cops. She has 200 cats which she keeps in a big pen outside and calls “pussies” and please stop saying that word. She also that habit of saying something that’s only mildly amusing and then laughing loudly at herself and it’s not working, you’re not charming, please stop.
Julia stops by Anne’s and tells her why to hate Angela, which is basically, “She exists and it’s tragic.”
Julia hires a limo to take them all to her birthday lunch and Anne is sure to mention champagne the first second she steps into the limo. Angela shows up with the most over the top ridic $800 bunch of roses I have ever seen wrapped in this trailing white gauze and there is an emptiness inside of her I cannot fathom.
Gilda and Michelle drive to the lunch separately because they are the cool girls. Michelle tells us she is looking forward to meeting Angela because she sounds awful and seeing that in person can be so much fun.
We arrive at the lunch, and Anne asks why Michelle didn’t come with in the limo and Michelle says she doesn’t like them because they’re tacky and, you guys, she’s rude as fuck but she is also not wrong.
Michelle gets to know the other woman and says that she used to be a model and Angela comments that she’s currently a model and Michelle says, “What...plus size?” and it’s savage and also completely accurate, which I guess is Michelle’s lane. Angela is super tall and is a normal human woman size, like maybe a size 8, which is plus-size in model land. The other ladies are scandalized by Michelle’s comment and also do nothing about it. Michelle asks Angela where she models Angela says that she models for New Zealand tourism and Gilda points out that that’s not actually modeling and Julia tries to tear attention back to herself because it’s her birthday but they all ignore her. Gilda starts talking about how nice it is not to model and not have to worry about her physical appearance being scrutinized so closely and then Angela begins crying at the table, silently, for several minutes. The woman ask her what’s wrong and she doesn’t answer, just sits there, crying, for a long time, until she finally gets up and goes outside. Louise and Julia follow her out because they are contractually obligated to do so.
Michelle, Gilda and Anne stay at the table because who gives a fuck. Michelle says, “It’s not the plus sized modeling - that was ages ago!” and I don’t think they’ve ordered yet Michelle is awful and also my new favorite. Gilda says that maybe it’s just that time of the month and Anne laughs and says, “Too close to home!” even though she is minimum 65 years old. Michelle is immediately like, “You do not still get your period” and Anne is like, “I take drugs so I will never go through menopause!” and those drugs are good but like I don’t think they keep you bleeding. But then Anne says that her mother died bleeding from her vag at 84 years old and I mean, I’m not mad I’m impressed.
Angela tells Julia and Louise that she’s upset that Michelle asked her if she was a plus sized model because, in her mind, plus sized models are size 16 and she’s not a size 16 and honey, no, plus size models are anything larger than a size 4 and you aren’t even really a model so Michelle is just taking the piss. They go back to the table and Michelle asks if she said anything to offend Julia and apologizes for it if she did. Angela says that the plus size model comment was what upset and Michelle turns, so quickly, from apologizing to snapping, “Sweetie, with tits like that you’re not a normal sized model get over it.” Michelle is terrifying and I AM LIVING.
Julia says, “Back to me back to me,” and is not happy with this drama that has nothing to do with her. Julia, honey, you don’t have the personality to pull off queen bee antics. Michelle and Gilda run this show – get used to it. Everyone ignores Julia’s pleas and Angela accuses Gilda of having the worst etiquette she’s ever seen because Gilda didn’t stand up to greet Angela at the fashion show. And Gilda is like, “Worst ever etiquette I ever saw was during the Iranian revolution STFU.” Gilda tells us that she hates Angela’s big, wide fake smile. And then all the ladies take turns in telling us about how Angela is not Oprah Winfrey and, I mean, yes, clearly, very much so. Cause Oprah knows she’s a plus sized model.
Predictions: Angela is going to cry at least once per episode, Gilda and Michelle are going to run this season front to back, and Julia isn’t going to make it to season 2.