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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU? (RHOAUCKLAND RECAP)

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU? (RHOAUCKLAND RECAP)

Michelle comes over to Gilda’s house for a doggie playdate, which Michelle admits is odd for her because she hates dogs. Michelle’s animal hate tally so far includes horses and dogs, both of which she owns. Now, Michelle seems like she doesn’t take any kind of shit, but I guess she’s also the kind of person who’s children are able to whine at her until she buys them animals that she would rather see die. Michelle fights with the dog, who keeps chewing on his leash, and threatens to buy it a cheaper leash as retaliation for it not liking her. This scene is sad but at least Michelle’s wearing a turban the whole time.

Gilda lives on a very exclusive street called Paritai Dr and when people tell you about very exclusive things you’ve never heard of you start to realize what a lie capitalism is. Anyway, Gilda has a fucking harp in her living room and the dogs try to hump each other in front of it.  Gilda has the dogs to go play outside so she and Michelle can hang out and talk about how Angela is the worst. Michelle says that she feels really bad that she fought with Angela at the birthday lunch. Gilda tells us that Michelle isn’t the type of person to attack anybody even as Michelle says, “I called [Angela] a plus sized model because she’s a plus sized model.” Michelle is all about accuracy and when that accuracy happens to also tear down Angela and involve body shaming, all the better. So now Michelle wants to invite all of the ladies over to her house to see if they can all get along. Spoiler: they can’t.

Angela goes to visit a Healing Practitioner named Karen. Karen’s earrings are so long that they graze her nipples. As far as I can tell Karen’s job is to listen to your problems, tell your problems back to you using different words, call you “honey”, lay you down, and do some really intense breathing while gesturing wildly over your body. I don’t want to believe in this type of healing but I do and I’m also convinced that it tickles. Karen stands over Angela and pulls fake daggers out of her and breathes dramatically and calls her “honey” so often I know that I am 100% sure that she has forgotten Angela’s name. At the very end she gives Angela some chakra oils and do chakra oils help you get a better personality? Because, if so, can you get Angela a larger size? 

Angela and Julia go over to Anne’s to have afternoon tea and listen to Anne refer to herself as “The Champagne Lady” like 18 times. Who names themselves after their major vice? I guess I’m the “Watch anything Andy Cohen greenlights” lady. Angela shows up to Anne’s house with a rack of clothes so she can offer Anne styling tips even though no one asked her. Anne is like, “Wow! Please leave those in the hallway so we can pretend you didn’t!” Angela tells us that cleaning out someone else’s wardrobe makes is really lethargic because she meant to say cathartic but she is not smart. Angela loves helping people look and feel good and doesn’t mind at all that she annoys the living fuck out of everyone that she meets. Anne turns down every single dress that Angela brought over for her and Angela is offended that Anne is not accepting her completely unsolicited help. Anyway, Michelle calls because production told her to and invites them all over to her house for a dinner party that definitely will not be horrific, not even a little bit.

Michelle’s house! She has two kids who are adolescent gorg so they’ll be fully gorg one day but right now their skin is like “IDK LOL”. Michelle’s daughter wants to wear her designer clothes and Michelle refuses her request by yelling, “YOU’RE TWELVE!” and I’m into it. Then they go to a fashion show and Michelle is wearing a large pink tie with a sparkle lady bug on it and a green sequined jacket and is the point to look like Paula Poundstone on a Tinder date? They get to sit in the front row at this made up fashion show and her daughter has never been more bored. 

Louise gets new head shots because her old ones are serving 1996 Sharon Stone It’s Gonna Be Me realness. End of storyline.

Michelle’s house! Julia and Louise arrive first and are shocked to learn that they can’t wear shoes in the house because Michelle has expensive floors. Also, your shoes have poop on them. But Michelle really should have mentioned this requirement in her invite, or at least have a basket of cute slippers in the entry way. But then we’d miss out on the fun of watching these ladies balance precariously on one high heel while trying to take their other shoe off so never mind, Michelle is the best.

Gilda drives up in her Rolls Royce and says hello to the chickens, who we must assume Michelle also hates, and takes off her shoes right away because she knows the deal. Angela and Anne come together and are shocked that they have to remove their shoes and Anne is like but these are my crystal shoes with crystals on the bottom of the sole and why is she trying to be a Paul Simon lyric so bad. 

The ladies all gather at a bar in Michelle’s house that made out of yellow marble and is brighter than the sun. Everyone gets offered a glass of champagne except for Angela because if we pretend hard enough maybe she’ll just go away. Michelle takes Anne and Gilda into her wine cellar where she keeps the champagne and Anne is going to dig a tunnel into that place, mark my words.  Michelle’s house is all marble and statues of animals and giant swinging outdoor day bed that probably 436 people have fucked on. I bet all the local teenagers sneak onto Michelle’s property at night to do it on that bed.

Back at the brightest bar in the world, Julia asks Louise and Angela if she should tell Gilda that Anne called her a gold digger and OMG Julia you are so sweaty. I can see the work you are doing right now and it’s giving you pit stains, knock it off. Lisa Rinna is like “Damn girl, take it down a notch.”

But Angela is all about this find a way to trick someone else into fucking up Gilda’s world plan. Angela says that she wants to get the bottom of who Gilda was when she first came to New Zealand which, what does that even mean? There’s so much of Angela saying she’s heard something have you heard something I heard something but what did you hear who should say it I can’t say it can you say it? Angela tries and tries while Julia and Louise stare at her, saying nothing, and finally Angela says, “If she is a gold digger what created her?” and Louise is like, “Oh, you’re talking about the [long beep sound over the redacted rumor]” and the other two are like “HOW COULD YOU SAY THE THING I WORKED SO HARD TO GET YOU TO SAY?” And I mean, bleeped out secrets is so Adrienne Maloof and no one here has tinsel in their hair so I refuse to stand it. I Googled it and the rumor is that Gilda used to be a call girl. Yawn? Yawn.

We’re at dinner where it’s being served family style and Louise is judging it and the fact that she’s judging it while not wearing shoes against her will makes me laugh. Angela tells everyone that it’s all good between them because she got the daggers pulled out of her and Michelle and Gilda are like, “But we put those there on purpose.” Then Angela starts talking about having your colors done and asking the ladies if they’ve had their colors done or not and WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT it is 2017, we don’t have our colors done anymore. I mean, I had my colors done but it was in my mother’s bedroom in 19FUCKING87. Anyway, Angela is trying to say that Gilda wears the wrong colors and Gilda is trying to say that Angela should fuck all the way off.  

Julia pulls a Rinna again and pulls Gilda away because Julia thinks it’s very important that she let Gilda know that she tricked Anne into calling Gilda a gold digger on-camera. Gilda is like, “Sure, fine,” and goes back to the table. Back at the table everyone talks about Gilda being a possible gold digger and Anne is like, “I said the word gold digger because Julia told me to,” and Gilda is like, “I married a rich man who was older than me and I loved him and we were married for 15 years and we got divorced and I am rich AF look at how unbothered I am.” She also adds, “I’d much rather dig gold then dig shit,” which: same.

So far the evening is not dramatic at all so Angela decides it’s time to make a big play. She announces that she has to tell everyone what everyone already knows, which is that there is nasty rumor about Gilda that we are not allowed to say on camera due to Gilda threatening to sue the shit out of us all.  She says that Gilda needs to know that people speak about her poorly and, after talking around it for forever, Angela finally says that Louise said that [long beep sound over redacted rumor that you used to be a call girl]. And what Gilda does next is amaze. She blinks, she says, “I don’t care,” she says, “I’ve got degrees here, I got money here, what did you do?” She says that she hates Angela’s demeanor and her fake smile and her crazy eyes. She says that Angela needs to stop even looking her direction. Angela tries to use the “You should be aware of what people are saying in the street,” defense and you are not Porsha, don’t try it. And then Gilda says to Angela, “Do you know what I’ve heard about you? Not a fucking thing.”

So Angela walks away because she can’t deal with the negative energy that she created. Angela says that she’s had enough of Gilda’s small mindedness and I don’t have any idea what in the actual fuck she’s talking about. Is it small minded to not want to have someone say that you used to be a call girl during a dinner party?

We end the episode with Michelle letting us know that this is Gilda’s town. We are in Auckland, the big dance, not basic bitch Angela’s home of Christchurch, and so Angela better Auckland-up and get ready for it. 

DESSERT WEEK (GBBO RECAP)

DESSERT WEEK (GBBO RECAP)

WELL THAT WAS SOME SHIT (BACHELORETTE FINALE)

WELL THAT WAS SOME SHIT (BACHELORETTE FINALE)