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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

LIFE'S A DRAG (RHOC RECAP)

LIFE'S A DRAG (RHOC RECAP)

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This episode of RHOC leans heavily on conflict that happened off camera. Blech. Given that Bravo producers are insatiable drama vampires who feed on the shrieks and sadness of former beauty queens, it’s hard to believe that anything juicy happens without cameras rolling but labor laws, unions, film crews can’t work 24/7 yadda yadda yadda. So I guess I’ll have to choke this down like David chokes down Shannon’s healthy cooking.

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After last week’s lovefest, where mortal enemies Kelly and Shannon became friendy-lish, it all falls to shit. Kelly tells Meghan that after their delightful on-camera hangout on St. Patties Day, she spotted Shannon recording their conversation on her iPhone, OFF-CAMERA GODDAMIT. Kelly plans to confront Shannon about her secretive tactics to undermine her, and Meghan is like ‘sounds great,’ and as soon as Kelly leaves, Meghan calls Shannon to warn her. Shannon denies everything because Shannon doesn’t even know how to download apps, let alone record someone on her iPhone. This is basically the plot of Encino Man.

Meanwhile, Peggy Sulahian is heading to New York City with her daughter to tour colleges. Diko, the Armenian Zoolander, doesn’t want them shopping because they spend too much already. Peggy laughs off Diko’s concerns because they have over $1.5 million dollars worth of cars in their garage and so many diamonds and probably a dodo bird and a white panther and WE GET IT PEGGY. You are very rich. You’re the richest. I was under the impression that you needed at least one house in foreclosure to be on RHOC but when god made Peggy,  s/he broke the mold.

Next up, Meghan King Edmonds, the unsweetened oatmeal of this franchise, meets Vicki for lunch. Meghan wants to know why Vicki feels wronged by Tamra and Shannon when it was she who was spreading vicious lies about them. Vicki is hurt they don’t want to be her friend anymore and insists she deserves an apology. Meghan is like “nah yah dan’t.” And Vicki’s like “Yas ah da”. That goes on for a while. Then Vickie doubles down on the Shannon domestic abuse rumors but begs Meghan not to mention anything and Meghan’s like “Maybe I have to say something,” and Vicki’s like “Nah ya dan’t,” and Meghan’s like “Maybe I da.” But the whole thing is being filmed so who the fuck cares who says what. It all comes out in the reunion anyway. These Heaux are DUMB.

Next, Shannon has invited the ladies minus Vicki to a night of drag queen bingo and decides that everyone should dress up as men for the event. Can someone please send Shannon the memo that drag queen bingo is hosted by drag queens but participants don’t get dressed up in drag? Sometimes when I watch Shannon, I feel visceral and painful embarrassment, like a  teenager ashamed of my mom. She’s just. so. extra. Anyway, Shannon, Tamra, and Kelly all dress up like the cast of Deliverance and Kelly opts for a teardrop tattoo on her face. I would wager a million dollars, or the black half of Peggy’s bicolored car, that Kelly has no idea what a teardrop tattoo signifies.

Lydia dresses up as an old-timey man and holy shit she makes a weird looking dude. She looks just like Jo Lo Truglio but wearing a hat.

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The ladies head to bingo and Meghan King Edmonds, the personification of paint drying, joins too. Thank god Shannon brought her a costume so Meghan could dress up like someone with a personality.

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Lydia hates drag queen bingo. There’s “nothing about drag queens in the bible,” and that’s confusing for Lydia’s brain and spirit.  I’m pretty sure all men wore robe-like dresses in biblical times so calm down church lady.

Kelly confronts Meghan for speaking to Shannon first about iPhone-Recording-Gate. Meghan is super defensive and lashes out at Kelly for spreading a rumor about her husband cheating on her. This pushes Kelly over the edge and she calls Meghan a bad mom for being out at bingo rather than home with her baby. Meghan weeps into her mustache, heartbroken. Until the cameras turn off and then her mouth slowly turns up into a menacing grin because she knows she still has a storyline. At least for now.

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YOU LEGIT STOLE THAT WATCH (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

YOU LEGIT STOLE THAT WATCH (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

TRIGGER WARNING (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

TRIGGER WARNING (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)