WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW (RHOC RECAP)

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This season of RHOC has felt laborious and forced because half the ladies won’t film with Vicki. Bravo is trying to fill screen time with manufactured b-plot drama and it’s the reality tv equivalent of Jeb Bush begging for attention during the Republican primary. I apologize for bringing up the election without a trigger warning. We’re on the edge of nuclear war and a racist uncooked hotdog is leading us and no one needed a reminder of that right now. Anyway, back to the crappy plotlines.

Lydia and Meghan hike up a picturesque trail where Lydia is in awe of God’s great earth and Meghan is in awe of how awful Kelly is. Meghan is indignant because Kelly spread a rumor that her husband was cheating on her when she was pregnant. Lydia gently points out that Meghan accused Kelly of cheating first, so maybe they’re both in the wrong. Meghan screeches and whimpers and cries (without tears), insisting it’s not the same amount of wrong and that she could be home breastfeeding her baby right now but instead agreed to hike with dumb cruel Lydia. Poor Lydia bats her long eyelashes and apologizes and makes a mental note that Meghan will not be allowed into Disney Princess heaven when the day of reckoning is upon us.

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Speaking of the end of days, Vicki calls Tamra to invite her to coffee in an effort to improve their relationship. Tamra agrees and then guzzles sauvignon blanc like she’s Tami Taylor after a hard day of guidance counseling.

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It’s Shannon’s birthday and what better way to celebrate than to drudge up the pain and alienation she feels in her marriage. When Shannon mentions that everything seems to have gone downhill since their beautiful vow renewal last year, her husband, Stone Cold David Beador pretty much blows her off. Shannon-if you’re reading this, which I’m 100% sure you are-it’s time to leave that man. He is calculating and manipulative and good looking in a Ted Bundy serial killer way. GET OUT. Oh and happy birthday. Do you, Shanzie.

It’s also Eddie’s birthday. Shannon organizes a dinner at some molecular gastronomy restaurant that’s like Alice in Wonderland meets Señor Frog's. There’s food served on oversized dishes and lots of smoke and desperation. Tamra tells the table that she’s planning on meeting Vicki for coffee and everyone thinks it’s a terrible idea. But Tamra wants to practice forgiveness and also practice getting these sweet BravoTV paychecks for the foreseeable future, so she needs to make real drama happen, which is far more than I can say for Meghan.

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Vicki is also celebrating her birthday. (Was the entire cast born under some cursed sign?) For this auspicious occasion, her children buy her a gun. GOD HELP US ALL. Vicki is the face of why we need more stringent gun laws in this country. This woman is 80% margarita and 20% emotional instability. I’ll put my money on someone getting shot this season. Because as theatre lovers know, you don’t see a gun in Episode 10 of RHOC, without it being fired during the reunion.

A group of discarded ex-OC housewives are invited to Vicki’s birthday party because half of the current cast refuses to be in the same room as her. These old housewives have the essence of former pageant queens who have aged out of the circuit, removed their pancake makeup, and are ready to share their laxative overdose horror stories.

These women gather around Vicki like moths to a larger moth, eager to discuss the rumor that Eddie is gay. The best man in Tamra and Eddie’s wedding is among these heauxs and insists he’s seen Eddie making out with guys. Vicki pretends she doesn’t want to hear it but is really like:

Watching these petty fools, it occurred to me that they probably don’t vote. And it’s probably better that way. Oops my bad, sorry for bringing up the election again.