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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SURPRISE WEINER (PROJECT RUNWAY RECAP)

SURPRISE WEINER (PROJECT RUNWAY RECAP)

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Previews for shows ruin everything. Do you like to watch the “next week on Project Runway” preview? Sometimes I can’t help myself it’s so tempting, but I really wish I could not. I like to be surprised. Nothing is a surprise anymore. We knew these jerks were gonna get to sleep at the top of the Empire State Building way before we got to see it. NO FUN!

Nevertheless, I giggled like a school girl when Heidi and Tim come bouncing down the runway with backpacks and duffle bags and what not like a couple of idiots. OHMYGODWHATISGOINGTOHAPPEN (lol duh). Everybody’s favorite supermodel and the whitest man on planet Earth announce that the designers have somewhere to be (GASP OMG A TRIP YOU GUYS), and that they’ll be creating sleepwear for Heidi’s clothing line (LOL Y’ALL ‘BOUT TO GET READ FOR FILTH). The designers will have to make their own textile for their look and Heidi says the designs must be fashionable. The winner will have their look included as part of Heidi’s collection. WHOA. No pressure.

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Tim announces a slumber party to inspire the work. GUYS. Am I the only person that thinks slumber parties are the worst? Like please be quiet, do not put my bra in the freezer, turn up the heater I’m freezing, and shut off the TV I’M SLEEPY … OH MY GOD SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR IS THE WORST WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. Oh, just me? Cool. As if having a slumber party wasn’t bad enough, these cute little seamstresses are going to have to sleep at the top of the Empire State Building. That’s never been done before? I mean, of course not because it’s completely bat shit crazy. I don’t know if I should be excited or scared or what. Maybe both.

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(Xanax break)

Right away the twins have issues. They have one of their “fun” (looks directly at you to make sure you see those quotation marks) confessions to announce that they’re scared. I feel you girls, but the only thing you need to be scared of is these other dudes slipping you a roofie, wrapping your body real tight, and tossing you off the most beautiful thing in New York City … but yeah … heights are scary you guys.

Heidi and Tim walk off of the runway and chat about how they wish they could get a sleeping bag and hang out with the designers. LOL I think we all know that’s a lie. The thought of Heidi Klum in a sleeping bag on the top of the Empire State Building makes me laugh so hard I might actually die. Thanks, guys. I may never stop laughing.

Everyone gets into their matching pj’s and walks over to the skyscraper. They look like the Vontrap family. At first everyone is excited and inspired and it’s beautiful and look at times Square and look at all this magic. Then they get to work drawing and designing. They’re super cute … I really love this cast. FINE. Yes. EVEN THESE DANG TWINS. And SNAP! Just like that everyone gets into their sleeping bags and goes night night. They’re all so positive; you know that shit is terrible and loud. All that wind? All those car horns? I guess that’s the price you pay to be on Project Runway.

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Tim shows up the next morning with bags full of breakfast sandwiches. He’s super cute in his little suit and gay hands. God I love him.

AND POOF! We’re back in the workroom. (Really? Maybe I’m being a little cynical here but … REALLY THAT’S IT?) Tim has supplies for everyone they get to work. He’ll be back in a bit to review their plans with Heidi. There’s dying and painting and all sorts of shiz going on. I’m mostly blown away by how awake everyone is. Maybe I’m just a delicate granny who is also a light sleeper. It makes me wonder if they really slept on the top of the building. Would you be this productive if you had just slept in a sleeping back on a concrete floor? NOPE. AND YET … The workroom is busy and inspiring. I can’t wait to see what they make.

I’m basically vibrating as they work. WHY? Because I can’t wait for Heidi’s critiques of course! I think we can all agree that Heidi’s critiques are THE VERY BEST OF THE WHOLE SEASON. She’s gonna murder these heauxs. I can’t wait. The designers are also clearly feeling this and some of them are paralyzed with their anxiety. For instance: WTF ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WEAR TO HAVE HEIDI TELL YOU YOUR PAJAMASLOOK LIKE GARBAGE?

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Kentaro is stressing out because he has one of the plus sized models. I wanna be really aggravated here, but I can’t. He doesn’t know what to do, so he asks for help. He keeps checking in with Samantha because he doesn’t really know what to do with a larger model. How do you cut the armholes, what do you do with the neckline etc etc etc. She’s super helpful and it’s inspiring. LEARNING CAN BE FUN Y’ALL. Also? Samantha is a champ and I love her.

Kenya has never created her own textile and she’s struggling. She’s painting her fabric a little and I’m nervous because (WTF is she doing) and also she is absolutely one of the very best designers so far. I also need to confess:  I LOVE HER SHE HAS TO DO WELL I DECIDED NO PRESSURE.

Heidi comes in to the workroom … and she looks like an alien. What else could explain how gorgeous and amazing she looks? She’s doing some sort of casual look? I don’t know what she has on but whatever it is it’s flowy and incredible. AND HER HAIR. WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THIS HAIR? Is she taking vitamins? Is it supermodel magic? WHAT IS HAPPENING? She wastes zero time and rips the twins because they don’t have much done. Is it because you’re chatty chatty chatty? LOL She spins around the room offering advice and opinions and my god I love her.

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Then it’s like Tim is jealous of all the attention Heidi is getting. He calls out one ombre textile or looking like a menstrual cycle and I’m so shocked my teeth nearly fall out of my face. Like I had to pause TV and have an ice tea break. TIM! WHAT! GIRL SETTLE DOWN YOU’RE PRETTY TOO.

Heidi leaves the workroom (WOW THAT WAS FAST AND PAINLESS) and tells them that many are on the right path and a few have a lot of work to do. It was a pretty cool critique. I was hoping for her to really destroy someone because that’s fun, but it didn’t happen.

Meanwhile? The twins are doing their running around thing again because that’s how they roll. They’re annoying the other contestants because they’re helping each other A LOT. One of the contestants notes that it’s not illegal, but they’re taking it to a whole new level. See, I told you they needed to be watching out so they don’t end up being thrown off the side of a building. I’m feeling some foreshadowing friends (CUE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING)

The next morning there are a few last minute finishes and everyone is HIGH STRESS as usual. Kentaro is dying fabric that might not be dry by the runway. The twins are working together; Aaron is stressed about his top. Kenya’s look is not coming together. Tim shows up for the runway and these dudes are not ready. I AM STRESSED OUT! … this show never fails to bring you right to the edge.

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OMG. DEMI LOVATO IS THE GUEST JUDGE. LOL. I don’t even know what that means. Like who is she? Whatevs. Who even cares. PS. Have you guys seen Zac’s new documentary? We’re gonna watch that right? CANNOT WAIT.

The runway is a little all over. There is some sexy stuff, and then there’s some not so sexy stuff … there are some real JC Penney situations happening ... if you know what I mean. It’s very clear who is in the top and bottom.

Kenya cries in the critique because she’s ashamed of her work and I’m crying too and it’s hard to type. Fine. You guys. She’s my favorite and I’m scared because she’s in the bottom. Her color story (lol I can’t believe I just typed that) is great, but her look is crazy … it’s impossible to get in and out of and who wants complicated pj’s? She’s in the bottom with Deyonte (who basically designed a silk potato sack) and Aaron (his look looks like a wearable aluminum foil romper … TERRIBLE). One of those dudes better go home. I can’t take it. In the top we have Kentaro, Baldy twin, and Michael.

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It’s really hard to tell from the judges up close critique who’s going to win OR who’s going home. Ultimately … Michael is the winner of the challenge with his gorgeous nod to the Chrysler Building. I like this dude and all, and his design was cute, but Keytaro was cheated. If this were the MTV Music Awards this would be the point where I would Kanye West this mess. KENTARO WAS ROBBED, YO!

Kentaro's design

Kentaro's design

Kenya is in right away, but I get nervous because Heidi really took her time telling her. Deyonte gets sent home. I’m sad because his name is almost Beyonce but his look was really a hot messy mess. Like who puts elastic and silk together? Whatevs Deyonte gets to go home and see his baby get born, so that’s something, right?

Deyonte's design

Deyonte's design

NOW, you know I gotta talk about how they should’ve sent Aaron home because he presented his runway look while wearing mesh (THAT WAS MESH, RIGHT?) yellow shorts. MY DUDES … you could clearly see his tighty whities underneath. Lord knows what else you could see. Zac called him out for it … so it must have been … revealing? Do what you want, but like cover your business, friends. You know what I do not want on my runway? SURPRISE WEINER … that’s what.

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Wait. Just kidding. Maybe I don’t like surprises.

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