WE READ AMY SCHUMER'S INSTYLE INTERVIEW SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

Some people love Amy Schumer. Some people do not love Amy Schumer. I'm somewhere in the middle. I want to support all my sisters in the arts and I like that she acts like a real person in regards to weight, looks, and sometimes she's funny and insightful about life as a woman. But, for me, the I-got-so-drunk and men-spooge-on-my-face thematics are pretty boring. One time I listened to like fifteen boring minutes of Amy talking about a night she was blacked out and eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers and a stick of butter while her boyfriend was like "No, Amy! No!" and I was like, GIRL SHUT UP, YOU OLD AND DUMB. 

Anywhoozie, INSTYLE put Amy on the cover of the May issue in a swimsuit because I guess summer, armpits, and body positivity. It was never addressed in the interview, so I'm just inferring here.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW: 

  • Jessica Seinfeld conducted this interview. What I know about Jessica: she's the author of a cookbook that instructs mothers how to sneak veggies in their kids' diets through purees and stuff. She's also married to Jerry Seinfeld and they have a very large house in the Hamptons. I guess she's qualified to conduct this interview, why not?
     
  • Amy claims to have only recently learned about La Mer. GIRL, PLEASE. I am 110% sure that as soon as she stepped off the plane in LAX the La Mer representative was there holding a SCHUMER sign and took her into a small, hot, timeshare meeting room, demanded $1000, and began her skin care regimen. I'm a raggedy single mother in Chicago and I've known about La Mer since at least 1999. Every woman in Hollywood is on La Mer. Their favorite thing to say is how planes are dehydrating so "I slather my face with La Mer." JUST LEARNED ABOUT LA MER. PLEASE.
     
  • Jessica asks earnestly, "What kind of deodorant?"
     
  • Amy "loves wellness." This includes: Soul Cycle (but at the back), brunch, and a long walk around the Central Park reservoir.
     
  • Jessica strongly believes that CBD and THC are part of an effective wellness program (but does not expound on what you should do with either).
     
  • Before the Golden Globes Amy didn't drink for FOUR DAYS.
     
  • Amy has adopted the canned celebrity response about her diet: smoothie for breakey, dinner is basic protein, quinoa, and veggies. 
     
  • Fashion is a friend Amy doesn't hang out with. (Her words)
     
  • Amy's go to sandal is an Alexander Wang that retails for $475
     
  • Amy says Gloria Steinem loved Trainwreck.
     
  • "I've never shit myself." --Amy

 

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