THE BROS MEET THE HEAUXS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

CONSTANCE CONSTANCE CONSTANCE CONSTANCE CONSTANCE CONSTANCE CONSTANCE CONSTANCE CONSTANCE CONSTANCE

MY SKEPTICAL QUEEN

MY SKEPTICAL QUEEN

THANK YOU JESUS FOR THE MIRACLE THAT IS CONSTANCE! Rachel's mom Kathy is no slouch either, but it's Constance who just SLAYED these bros. SLAYED. Bryan's like, "I'm in love with your family already," and she says, "You've been here an hour and a half." She literally says that and then laughs in his face. I LOVE HER. I also like her wacky husband and his wacky beard and their adorable kid. And girl, Constance is serving PREGNANCY STYLE EVERYWHERE. Bejewled collars, statement necklaces, gorgeous plums, tight black tops with puffed sleeves--girl is out Catherine Zeta Jonesing Catherine Zeta Jones.

Ok, so the bros are gonna meet the heauxs, i.e. Rachel's family in Dallas. Papa Rachel won't be there because he's a FEDERAL JUDGE and ain't got time for this shit. Also regulations and ethics. Rachel goes to retrieve Peter at the Hilton Dallas AND I AM APPALLED. The Hilton Dallas???? I am a regular person with a regular job and no sweet production deal and even I know I'm staying at the Hotel ZaZa when in Dallas. Shame on you, producers. SHAME. 

First Peter and Rachel go shop for some baby gifts for Constance. Peter's sort of awkward and walks around with a suffocating giraffe in his armpit. WHAT KIND OF FATHER IS THIS? A nervous one clearly. But he's going to clarify his feelings to Rachel before they go into mama's house.

Again much is made about his reticence to jump in with both feet on national television. Peter tells Rachel's mom Kathy he's not sure he's ready to propose :::PAUSE::: and SHE LIKES THIS BECAUSE SHE'S A REASONABLE PERSON. Look, if there's a hallmark of the Lindsay fam it's that they are reasonable AF. They're measured, they ask a lot of questions, they look at information critically. I mean, I LOVE THEM. Like I want to get married to the Lindsay's and play Trivial Pursuit on Sunday nights, I think I'm ready for that. And I like Peter. He's sexy and reasonable, just like Rachel. He's awkward when giving speeches about love in front of someone's family. You know, LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

LET'S BRING ERIC HOME TO MAMA

Eric gets the lamest of the three pre-family dates, which is a sort of sightseeing tour of downtown Dallas. There are no bull riding bars, no tumbleweeds, just sort of a Dallas space needle and a finger point towards the federal building, YAWN. Rachel genuinely seems to have fun when she's around Eric, but I still can't see him as her forever dude. Does Rachel end up with a personal trainer? What do they talk about?

Eric tells the Lindsays how he hasn’t ever had family and all he wants is family. But you guys, the question isn’t if Eric can settle down and not be a player. The question is, when they get married, how much emotional work is Rachel going to have to do with him all the time. Eric has all the right things to say and I believe he means them, but I feel so worried that he doesn’t really know what all this is.

WHATEVER LET’S BRING BRYAN’S BONER HOME

Rachel and Bryan wear their matching Swiss watches. Le sigh. Bryan says he can't wait to show Rachel's mom the "chemistry" they have. RECORD SCRATCH. Like bro, nobody's mom wants to know about how bad you want to bone each other. Boning comes and goes. What's it about your charming ass that's gonna make Rachel happy forever??? Do you take out the trash without being asked? Do you contribute to a 401k? Do you like Monopoly? WHO ARE YOU BRYAN.

Peter says he doesn’t like Bryan and his fake Miami swagger. Again, REASONABLE. The perspective of divorce has me screaming, TAKE REASONABLE, RACHEL. REASONABLE IS FOREVER. Old girl never listens to me because she just wants to pork Bryan so bad. She takes him to meet her Dallas friends with big hair because she loves him best. Bryan sits down, takes one sip of mimosa, and rattles off I’m 37, I’m a chiropractor, I want to get married and have kids. I think he even throws in "doctor of chiropractic medicine." A guy on Bumble once tried to fool me that he was a doctor when really he was a chiropractor. NEVER AGAIN. Rachel says she thought Bryan was a douche bag. GIRL FOLLOW YOUR GUT.

The producers tell Mama Kathy to WATCH OUT FOR MAMA OLGA. So she grills Bryan's fake ass about his allegiances. He literally says Olga is his "number one woman."

Crazy Olga and Reasonable Kathy ARE GONNA HATE EACH OTHER

Crazy Olga and Reasonable Kathy ARE GONNA HATE EACH OTHER

He tries to be like, oh, I'm with my wife, but PLEASE Y'ALL WE HAVE MET OLGA. Rachel looks horny enough to believe his mess. He may "mean" it, but whether or not in reality it's "true" is another story. Over lunch Bryan says, "From day one, Rachel felt like my girlfriend." And Constance is a second from yelling OH HELL NO and breaking bottles. Rachel is defensive.

Everybody but Rachel doesn't trust Bryan. GET THEE TO THE FANTASY SUITES. Like maybe once she does the deed with him and finds out he's just like every other mediocre dude in the sack, she'll be ready to move on.

HEAUX MY GOD WE STILL HAVE TO GO TO SPAIN

Did Rachel do pageants? Her dismount from the van and take in the wonder of Spain moment was the most pageant thing I've ever seen.

world peace?

world peace?

I'm exhausted by this point, y'all. I can't believe we're starting the fantasy suites. It seems to have less fanfare than usual. Eric's up first and they go on a helicopter ride and like ring a bell or something and have dinner. WHAT'S UP WITH ERIC'S OUTFITS. This man went to Old Navy and snatched up all the blue and white t shirts and chambray button downs. Rachel wears way too much makeup to dinner. She makes Eric tell her he loves her which isn’t that nice since she’s gonna dump him probably. They head back to the suite and the next morning he's topless, but it's not clear if they boned. I think no. He's so genuine and sweet and really wants this to happen, so like, ugh, life doesn't work out that way like ever. Hearts, Eric.

No one owns more bedazzled rings than Rachel.

Peter's up next and they head to a Spanish vineyard where a sort of overwhelming man in a beret speaks a lot of Espanol and sings and forces them to drink wine. Raquel y Pedro get their own wine cellar that they'll probably never see again. Peter’s not sure if he’s ready to get married so the producers send a toddler over to remind Rachel she wants to get married and have kids. Then just like Lucille Ball and the Kardashians, they crush some grapes with their feet.

Rachel’s like, I want a proposal and then we’ll work it out. He’s like, I want to be engaged once and I want to be certain. They don’t know where to go from here.... 

TO BE CONTINUED

Rachel’s devastated. I'm devastated that we have to watch the Men Tell All before we get back into these damn fantasy suites. And like, Rachel girl, do you want to be engaged to the wrong dude just to be engaged? Like how about finding a real life partner, not just a ring??? C'mon girl, you're smart! You're beautiful! DO YOU.