TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF, WE'RE TUMBLING THE PATRIARCHY (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
I've got to be honest with you, there's really nothing I love more than a group of men acting like complete fools for the attentions of one gorgeous, smart, poised black woman and her lesbian sidekick Ellen. It feels like we're tumbling the patriarchy every Monday night, doesn't it? Tonight we've got a bunch of six-packed dummies running around topless like they're Magic Mike, performing feats of strength in a baby-pool-mud-pit, and saying things like "The more I talk about it, the more that it sounds like I’m bitter, I’m the crazy one...” and just by sitting on my couch and tuning in, I'm doing the Lord's work. It's GLORIOUS.
OMG, did you forget that DeMario is back??? I sorta did because who cares about DeMario? DeMario is every twenty-something-thirty-something man on Tinder who's "living life to the fullest" and enjoys a "healthy lifestyle" and says a whole bunch of shit he doesn't mean to try and play women to distract himself from the gaping void of nothingness inside. YAWN. But because Kween Rachel understands how the show works, she descends from the mansion and accepts HIS HANDSHAKE. "Rachel, thank you for seeing me," he says and I am dying. It's like he's at the principal's office.
All the mens swarm down the driveway as DeMario explains to Rachel, "To experience joy, you need to feel pain," and "When I met you, my entire life changed," and to Rachel's credit, she doesn't burst out laughing. No, ol' girl is MEDIA TRAINED and she's got her prosecutor hat on as she schools him like his mama shoulda done twenty years ago. "I'm glad this is a life lesson," she says. "Forward is not towards the mansion, it's the other way," and with that she returns to the warm embrace of Chris Harrison and the fraternity of Driveway Kappa Douche.
The men are just SO IMPRESSED with Rachel's poise. Don't get me wrong, they're not misogynists or anything. It's not like they came here thinking a woman couldn't be poised and smart! Some guy named Adam who we've never seen before, we literally don't know him from Adam, says the way Rachel handled the DeMario situation was "two thumbs up." And Dean holds Lee close.
Holy shit, we still haven't had our Rose Ceremony and Rachel has got to mingle with her mens. The Tickle Monster is running around with giant hand gloves which are legitimately hilarious except for the fact that he's creepy. I love how happy it makes her though. Kenny busts out some pics of his daughter and Rachel is WET. Blake is back on his Whaboom tirade. He says Rachel's too smart to be duped by Whaboom. THEN LET HER MAKE HER OWN CHOICES, MANSPLAINER. The producers make Rachel confront Blake with the accusation that he ate a banana over Whaboom. Blake refutes with, “I don’t eat carbs I’m on a rhaiouehoiqfu diet.” WHAT THE HELL DID HE SAY? Then in a shocking moment of self awareness, Blake says, “The more I talk about it, the more that it sounds like I’m bitter, I’m the crazy one.” YES EXACTLY.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME where Jack Stone says "You betcha!" when asked if he would accept this rose. WHO IS THIS GUY?? He's from another planet, please give him more screentime. Rachel sends both Whaboom and Blake home because obviously and they have the lamest, camera hoggingiest confrontation of all time. Whaboom is dressed like a 90 year old golfer being led into a country club buffet. These two dummies have an argument about what "funny" is. Hahahahaha, these douches like Dane Cook, I don’t trust their opinion. They don’t even have the balls to hit each other.
IT’S TIME FOR A GROUP DATE
They’re gonna go to the Ellen show and all these fame whores are THRILLED. They literally bound out of the house and into a shuttle. The producers are killing it this season with their celebrity tie-ins! Ellen is a change-maker. First coming out as a lesbian on her sitcom and then crumbling the patriarchy by tickling the tickle monster before he can get to her first.
Peter looks hot as shit in his cardigan. Bryan grabs the mic to tell the world he kissed Rachel and accuses Peter of getting his sloppy seconds, which is just like GROSS TASTELESS AND NO CLASS. Why are you swinging your dick at Peter on the Ellen show? Gross go home now. Next thing you know they've taken their shirts off and are humping the audience of grandmas and 14 year old girls who watch Ellen after school. Not one of these boys can move like Channing, but godammit if they're not gonna throw their backs out trying.
Ellen says the tickle guy does not dance well. And I love that about her. Honestly, I’m not sure what the right response is here for a dude I want to go out with. Where is Peter? He’s not getting any camera time so he must be doing the right thing, which is like, not rubbing his dick on other girls' heads. I dunno, maybe I’m a prude, but I don’t want to marry the dude who’s dream is being fulfilled by taking his shirt off and being adored by screaming chicks on daytime TV. If he can't be humble on Ellen, he's gonna be a pain in your ass, Rachel! Mark my words!
ONE ON ONE TIME WITH RACHEL
Rachel kisses everybody. Fred is like I’ve been waiting to kiss her for 20 years and me thinks he’s going home tonight. And then they kiss and it’s the most awkward moment that has ever happened ever. Lots of sounds and she breaks away. He’s screaming and whabooming he’s so excited. And then she sends him home because no woman wants to date someone they psuedo-mothered as a child! C'mon now!
A DATE WITH ANTHONY
They're riding horses down Rodeo Drive. Do we know why? Do we care? Anthony looks good in a cowboy hat but the rest is pretty silly. Over dinner he tells her he likes her in the most honest way I’ve seen anyone tell her they like her, and I like him. He gives her a la la land twirl and I think he might be a secret frontrunner.
Back at the frat house, Eric is whining, he thinks there are a lot of facades and Rachel's playing a game. He has the shiniest leg anyone has ever seen. Like a beautiful Barbie. Does he wax? Iggy wants some camera time so he tries to insert himself into the drama. It’s amazing how quickly the men's egos get bruised and they just crumble. Put them in a situation where they are not constantly numero uno and they flip the fuck out. YAWN BOYZ YAWN.
ANOTHER GROUP DATE SO MANY DATES TONIGHT IT'S A FULL TIME JOB
Rachel brings in her bachelorette posse so we can get a preview of what Bachelor in Paradise will look like this summer.
The men are going to mud wrestle and you know I like that because I like when they're threatened with potentially getting hurt. It makes them so nervous. They roll around in tiny shorts. Kenny tosses Jack Stone around like a little baby doll. Somehow Bryce and his ears beat Kenny in the final match, but Kenny is really gracious about it--
and next thing you know he reveals he used to be a Chippendale and tears his shirt off for Rachel. Against my best judgement, I like Kenny.
We're gonna finish up the night with more drama from Eric and our resident racist, Lee. Byrce and Lee told the Bachelor cast offs that Rachel should beware of Eric and blah blah shit talking words blah blah Rachel talks to Eric and blah blah Eric gets real squinty.
Now Eric is gonna confront Bryce and Lee and just like Kenny who stands up and walks away, I'm out. These are all filler boys, none of them are good enough for Kween Rachel so it's hard to give a shit. Where's my boy Josiah? Peter? Even Bryan the chiropracter slurping her face would be more exciting than Lee the Racist Manipulator saying "Have you ever experienced love????" and trying to watch these dudes parse their feelings. Both Lee and Iggy have watched the Tony Robbins documentary on Netflix and are bringing their healing to Eric. "I feel like you're closed off," and "your opportunity for growth is to listen more," and the mansion spontaneously explodes as it reaches its final douche threshold.
ERIC'S HAD ENOUGH! He calls the boyz in for a conference and takes it to the streets. “ALL THIS WEEK MY NAME IS IN ERRBODYS MOOF,” he yells and god some of these guys do not know how to dress. Nice khaki sport coat, Bryce. Eric keeps getting madder and it’s
to be continued...
until next week when we get to see Racist Tweet Lee being racist AF in real life. Will Kween Rachel learn him? Fingers crossed that she brings the dog when she does.