GET YOUR LAV MICS CLIPPED ONTO YOUR PUKA NECKLACES, FOLKS, 'CAUSE IT’S TIME TO GO TO PARADISE.
FADE IN: Chris Harrison takes the stage, ahem beach, shoeless, head to toe linen, under overcast skies. He tells us there's been "trouble in paradise" and that it's been stressful for the cast, the production crew, even him! He gazes at the ocean, a metaphor for all that is unknowable, and for the first time I think, was this all a publicity stunt? Are our ABC overlords that much smarter than me?? Are Corinne and DeMario willing pawns in a reality TV boondoggle of epic proportions?? Dammit they've got us on the hook now and we're gonna have to watch and find out.
THE CREDITS ROLL and like I really don’t remember any of these people who are doing stupid things like spitting water and kicking over lamps. EXCEPT JACK STONE AND SHARK BITCH. THEMS I KNOW.
Raven is the first to arrive and skips down the path to greet Chris Harrison. Raven is getting the most desirable contestant edit (usurping last season's Amanda who's been tarnished by the break up with Andy's ex trash fiancee Josh). Raven is a treasure. Not only does her hair match her name, she loves all 90s trends, including the bad ones. She's wearing a turqouise underwire bra top that's straight up Victoria's Secret catalog 1997.
Her stomach is very enviable and she's hoping to find her husband in Paradise. Odds on this? 10-1.
HERE COMES DEAN. Still hot, still traumatized by his past. Are there hometown dates in Paradise?? Because I NEED TO GO BACK TO ASPEN and eat millet with Dean's Dad.
Here’s Kristina. I think she’s Nick’s Russian? She looks different. Girl lightened her hair and her attitude! INTO IT.
HERE COMES DANIELLE. Wasn’t she at one point like a sweet kindergarten teacher? Now she’s just a Bachelor Nation heaux? GIRL IS THIRSTY. Like she has no CHILL. She's looking around at all the mens bug-eyed and swallowing hard. So like, we know she's gonna end up alone. : (
WHO IS THIS DEREK JOHN KRASINSKI LOOK ALIKE AND WHERE DID HE COME FROM???
I am suddenly way more interested in this show. John Krasinski is one of my celeb must haves (along with his BROTHER IN LAW STANLEY TUCCI) and a Bachelor Nation Imitation is a-ok in my books. CALL ME, DEREK.
Iggy comes running in and picks Dean up in the traditional bachelor greeting. Typically it's the Bachelor greeting reserved for 1:1 dates, but no matter.
JACK STONE AND HIS TEETH ARRIVE.
JASMINE arrives. She's got 'tude. No judgment, that's just her edit. She also has a really nice ass. Again, no judgement, but she's got it out and about and I'm impressed with it.
SHARK BITCH ARRIVES--her Jersey accent seems to have thickened? She’s got some big ass fake red nails too. This is a "what you been up too, girl?" story I'm into hearing. Was she just working at the Wetzel's Pretzels at the mall when the producers invited her back?
DEMARIO IS HERE and we all want to know, is he a sexual assaulter? And like, it's uncomfortable. This whole thing is...not right. Everything he says is freighted by what's about to happen that we know, but he still doesn't, and it's an editor's dream but a moral person's nightmare. He says he wants to come here to set everything straight and find the next Mrs. Jackson. OHHHH BOI. He says once people get to know him they’ll see he’s a pretty good guy and here for the right reasons.
All the girls hate DeMario ON PRINCIPLE. THEY HAVE MORALS. THEY DO NOT DATE GUYS WITH GIRLFRIENDS. HEAUXS BEFORE BREAUXS. (Oh you thought it was because he was rumored-accused of sexual assault? No, that hasn't happened yet. They don't like him because of his scrunchie girlfriend way way back in Rachel's season. Oh. Yeah. That.)
Demario decides Raven is the ring leader and so he’s gonna win her over. He says some stuff to her and applauds himself for winning over Raven and she says he’s full of shit.
Short, tattooed Alex arrives.
Corrinne shows up in some broke ass Scarlett O'Hara lace. She looks like what Julia Sugarbaker's slutty daughter would wear on a girls gone wild episode of Designing Women. Or a lampshade.
Corinne says she’s not gonna jump on the first guy who shows her attention. She says she has no boyfriend back home. She says the guys are gonna have to work for her. Sad face emoji. DeMario says he’s wanted Corrinne since day one. Day one of what? Paradise? It’s still day one, dude. Corrine jumps into DeMario's arms when they find out they're both from New Jersey, though I’m pretty sure he said he was from Brooklyn. She yells “WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE,” her weave flying everywhere.
Some girl named Lacey we’ve never seen before shows up. IGGY CALLS DIBS ON THAT.
DIGGY IS HERE, NO ONE CARES. Is Diggy like the worst in person or what? Because he's early eliminated everywhere but he presents as like real cute and a viable option. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH DIGGY.
A PENGUIN ARRIVES and claims he’s from Rachel’s season. He says his name is Matt? All I know is he looks like an old washed up member of 98 degrees who's not Nick Lachey.
Some dude named Nick rolls in in a Santa hat and beard and he’s like already drunk and wants to hook up with Jasmine. He’s like, I came here for you and stumbles into the waves. Jasmine says she doesn’t date blonde dudes so then she makes out with him.
PRINCESS AMANDA ARRIVES.
She’s so soft spoken and sweet and wonderful and everyone wants her because she’s perfect and BASIC AS FUCK. Did she have a nose job in between seasons? Or is it botox in the forehead? Her face isn’t moving naturally. She says she’s still young and it would be silly of her to pass up an opportunity to find true love. Later she reveals she couldn't get on the celebrity tinder, and I'm actually sort of shook by this. I mean can't you see her ending up with like Ray Romano or Vanilla Ice or somebody else from the Surreal Life?
TAYLOR THE PSYCHOLOGIST arrives and she's just as prissy and self righteous and annoying as before but now with a sprinkle of hesitancy before she speaks because she's seen herself on TV and realized it's not a good look. And then, in a terrible blow, my love Derek John Krasinski starts wooing Taylor. WHAT. And she sort of acts like a snooty bitch. CAN YOU GO CAMPING?? she accuses. He’s like “I’m flipping a house?” she’s like YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE IT. Look, call me, Derek, you’re hot and I like your big ears. He builds her a fire to impress her.
Corinne and DeMario are draped on each other and I’m embarrassed for them generally. Alex says this is 30 minutes into paradise and Corinne and DeMario jump into the pool with their clothes on. Alex continues narrating to the camera and it’s the most likeable he’s ever been. But like overall, I'm like, wait, are they going to show her shoving her hoo-ha in his face? Or are we going to see her slumped on the side of the pool and him assualting her? Or what, none of that happened? Because what ABC gives us here is all fun and games and it's CONFUSING AF.
THERE ARE NO ANSWERS.
Wells arrives to be the bartender and I think we’re supposed to be excited?
Danielle is obsessed with Dean or at least her edit is. She’s constantly got Dean’s name in her mouth. KRISTINA GETS THE FIRST DATE CARD. She asks Dean, obviously. Dean and Kristina arrive at some ridiculously festooned table for dinner. Dean says Nick’s an idiot because Kristina’s amazing. Dean giggles because he likes her. He’s cute. They’re bonding over difficult childhoods. Dean wants a mom. He needs to be held to a bosom. Dean, I will hold you to my bosom. Some Mexican dancers show up. Dean and Kristina dance by the pool and at one point I’m thinking, why doesn’t she push him in?? Because that would be hysterical. A glitter cannon erupts.
Jasmine tells Matt (?) about how she was the first black princess on the Disney cruise line. I’m not sure he fully grasps the importance of that. DISNEY CRUISE LINE BRAH. Matt (?) and Jasmine make out in the hot tub and he keeps his arms up on the wall the entire time, so he can’t be accused of touching her I guess, which seems odd, did he get a warning or something?
Lacey comes to tell Iggy that her grandpa died so she’s out. WOW. I mean this is how bad she wants to get away from Iggy? She’s like maybe Imma come back after my grandpa who died gets dealt with. WHUT. Lol. Iggy’s like, WELP I’M NOT SURE IMMA GET A ROSE TMRW. These men are such moral vanguards. The epitome of sensitivity!
Robby shows up and his job says he’s a “social media influencer.” LOLOLOLOLOL. He has some weird shellacked hair. Who cut this? He’s whitened the shit out of his teeth and has skinny little legs. He starts talking to all the ladies to decide who’s going to go on his date. Raven’s nips are a sneeze from falling out of her peach top so he picks her. Some other dude who thought he had dibs on Raven says he misses his dog a lot so like it's cool if he has to go home.
Robbie shows us a suitcase full of novelty swimming suits and then puts one on suggestively and shows us his cut up stomach which sort of grossed me out. So tan and like it looked like he’s been shredding or cutting weight or taking roids or doing something weird to get all these things to stick out.
Robbie and Raven take their hot bods onto some jetskis. Oh he’s gonna drive her around. But there were two jetskis? Why can’t she drive? Fucking patriarchy.
Robbie brags that he also brought a speedo. They make out in the ocean to celebrate.
The get back to the huts to debrief to their friends and RAVEN BURNS ROBBIE TO THE GROUND. Raven says that she’s scared of Robbie’s abs. I KNEW I LIKED RAVEN. She’s like, it’s scary, stop working out. “Every time he touches his hair Imma take a drink,” she says. I LOVE HER.
Matt (?) and Jasmine go on a date to a Mexican drag bar (!!!) and it's the most screen time Matt (?) has ever gotten and it turns out he's pretty likable! He gets dressed up in drag and Jasmine’s sooooo impressed like, a lot of guys would never do that. Really? I’m pretty sure like 90% of the frat bois in Cancun have had a drag moment. I actually like Matt in drag tho, he sort of looks like Daisy Fuentes. They make out and he has leftover glitter all over his face.
IT'S TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY!!! There's too many guys and not enough roses, wheeeee! But suddenly Corrine "gets stolen for a minute" by a producer and then so does Demario and it's about to go down. What is?? I don't know! The alleged sexual assault that Corinne didn't allege? What?
ERRYBODY IS SO CONFUSED.
The cameraman put their cameras down and :::POOF::: everyone explodes because there’s no longer a reason to live.